Category: Grief

The secret to getting unstuck in grief

Nobody wants to feel the pain of grief. Nobody wants to feel pain, period.

The things that get us stuck are refusing to talk about it, feeling guilty for crying, not finding or accepting support.

‘Feeling it’ serves a purpose. As much as it sucks, that purpose is emotional healing. If we circle the wagons all the time, it leaks out in ugly ways. You are angry all the time or you might suffer a lot of health problems. And yes, your physical health is affected by your mental health. Society may separate the two but your body and your … Read more...

Cleaning out the room of your child after death

Most people wait to do this since it’s such an emotional event. Friends have told me they waited one, two or even five years or more. I had to do this right away because we had sold the house four days before he died. Another family was moving in.

At first, I tried by myself and I ended up in a blubbering pile on the floor. After an hour, I had not put a single thing in a box. But I had emptied a box of tissues.

What do I keep? What do I throw away? How can this be … Read more...

Warning. This is gooey

When I started this blog, I had no idea where it was going. I just knew I hurt like crazy and had no idea what the grief journey after a suicide loss might be.

I had to write and I didn’t expect anyone would want to be exposed to my ugly, naked grief. After all we tried to do for Charles, suicide was the worst possible ending I could imagine. In fact, I never imagined it. It was never even on my radar.

Then someone asked, “How do I subscribe to your blog?” I was shocked and I still didn’t … Read more...

Start by believing you will survive it

In the first few days and weeks following any tragedy, you are in shock. Grief covers you like a lead blanket and you can’t see how you will ever be able to function again.

Your first step? Believe you will survive this. Keep telling yourself you will.

The way I got through each day at first was to tell myself that as bad as it was, it could never be as bad as getting the news my son killed himself. I’ve already gotten that call. The best thing people could do for me is to be there and ask, “How … Read more...

Did Charles ever really belong to us?

I birthed him, raised him, loved him. But I always had this feeling that he didn’t belong to me.

I remember when we sat with the minister to plan Charles’ memorial service, and he said, “Our children don’t really belong to us. They pass through us, are part of our families but they are part of something greater.”

I remember thinking how odd it was that he just said what I had spent a lifetime thinking. Of course, we don’t “own” another human being. Our journey is not theirs or visa versa. We cannot control their decisions or take their … Read more...

It’s how you survive that counts

In Los Angeles for Christmas with Richard, Me, Randy

We used to be four. Now we are three. I still struggle with that.

I regret I did not have more children. Not that other children would “replace” the one I lost to suicide .  It’s just I feel our family is so much smaller now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful and grateful for what I have. I know parents who lost their only child. I know parents who’ve lost more than one. People say, “I’d never survive that.” Yes, you would. Because you have no other choice.

So we … Read more...

The most satisfying posts to write

Some posts are so cleansing to write. These were the posts that helped me let go of bitterness, resentment, anger, sadness and guilt. Or at least deal with it more effectively. Not all of these were popular. But they were cleansing to me and it didn’t matter to me if thousands read it or none.

The final 48 hours

Dear heroin, I f–ing hate you

I am so sorry

Forgiving myself

How could I resent your child’s cancer fundraiser?

The long arm of the law reaches down Charles’ pants

Dear Charles. My letter to heaven

Things I no longer give

… Read more...

My second Christmas without my child

by Tamara Harvey Braswell

Tamara and Logan

I will never forget the date, 5:30 a.m., July 22, 2016. My 19-year-old son Logan was pronounced dead in a Virginia hospital. Every bone in his body broken, bleeding from the inside out. His eyes black, his head swollen, his blonde hair blood stained from fatal injuries that literally crushed him when he took the street curve too fast and slammed his truck head on into a tree less than a half mile from our home.

I would never again hear him say, “I love you mom,” or feel that rush of excitement … Read more...

7 things we need our ‘ungrieving’ friends to know

When you lose a child, it changes you. And our friends don’t know how to act or what to do. They don’t know what to do with the new you even though you’re the same person you were in so many ways. So here’s what we want our friends to know.

1. You are enough

Period. We want you just the way you are and we crave your company. Being alone all the time can be a recipe for agony.

2. You can’t fix this

No one can. No one has the magic wand and no one has the perfect … Read more...

A song to you from Bemo Prince to promote emotional healing

From Anne Moss: I am honored Bemo shared this inspirational song. It represents hope and faith in the face of tragedy. 

Song Title: Two Little Children

by Bremo Prince
I guess we all have different ways of dealing with pain and suffering. When my son Trey died from SIDS in 1968, I was only nineteen.  I did not understand why God would allow such a thing to happen.

I struggled with bitterness for several years and blamed the loss of my son on the lord and took my … Read more...

What do you say to grieving parents?

1 minute 47 seconds

Phrases like, “What can I do?” or “Call if you need anything,” are too open ended for parents who’ve just lost a child. Try to be more intentional with yes or no questions, such as, “I’ll come mow your lawn on Saturday. Would 10am be a good time?”

In the early stages of grief, it’s hard to make decisions and the number we are able to make is limited. And any stories you have about the child that died are appreciated. We always love those.

… Read more...

Those who clam up have the hardest time

Everyone grieves differently. Everyone struggles with adjusting to a family member with addiction/mental illness differently.  But the one constant I have noticed is that people who don’t talk about it at all tend to get stuck and fold up within themselves.

I’ve been in that place way back when our journey with mental illness and drug addiction started with Charles. It wasn’t fun.

The more you talk, the better things are. Retreating within yourself and internalizing all of that pain ends up leaking out in unattractive ways.  Bitterness.  Anger. Inconsolable sadness and isolation.

Keeping all the hurt in your heart … Read more...

Grieving parents no longer have these worries

by Tamara Rollison

Logan and his mom, Tamara

Paying a huge college tuition bill.

He never made it to college.

Getting complaints from neighbors of loud noise and craziness.

He did have some humdingers of parties in his day.

Wondering where he is…messing with drugs…receiving a call from jail to bail him out…hooking up with bad people who could take advantage of him…driving recklessly…and all those other nightmarish thoughts that haunt every parent, at one time or another, in middle of the night.

He’s not here to get in trouble.

Becoming deathly ill…struggling with depression and anxiety.

He’s not here … Read more...

On becoming a stranger

When something awful happens, people are at complete loss for what to do or what to say.  It’s like a switch was flipped and the tragedy changed you. There is little training in how to manage a family member or friendship with someone who has met the most devastating loss of their lives.

Friends and family don’t adapt quickly to your new circumstances. Just as I have not adapted quickly to being a mother of a child who killed himself. Why should I expect others to? Why should I expect them to know what to do or what to say? … Read more...

Dear holidays, I hate you

Holidays are supposed to be festive and fun. But I’m not getting that vibe at all. You just bring me heaviness and grief. While people hustle and bustle about, I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. I just feel flat and lifeless. And sad.

Couldn’t you skip a year? This is my second holiday season and I still can’t seem to find my footing. I have a hard time finding motivation to do anything about Christmas at all. I just want it to go away.

I had hoped to be at the point of tolerating the Christmas holidays by … Read more...