Category: Grief

You should be with other mothers of dead children

I love being with other parents who’ve lost a child. No one understands my pain more than other members of the club no one wants to be in. But I also want to be with my old friends, too.

The thing is, after Charles died, I was in fear of losing my old friends–friends who had not weathered a tragedy like this. I was afraid if I let on how sad I still was or how much I missed Charles, or talked too much about my loss that those friends would label me as Debbie downer and no longer want … Read more...

I wish there were the right words for loss of a child

Years after the death of a child, things are not ‘better.’ What I mean is that ‘better’ is not the right word. The grief is in shorter bursts and it’s more tolerable.

For example, I’m able to move forward most days. I’m able to laugh. But I want a word that sort of means better. And there isn’t one. ‘Less intense’ might be a good description but that’s still not quite right. ‘Easier’ is not it either. None of those really describe the process and what’s more, they minimize the experience.

There’s also no word for being the parent of … Read more...

Finding the light in the darkness of loss

When tragedy happened, it changed me. I feel love deeper and more passionately. I feel more empowered than I have ever felt before.

None of this would have happened had I not lost my son, Charles. I would not have scripted it this way. Who would?

Little things don’t bother me as much. I’m a lot more forgiving and not at all judgmental. I accept people as they are. I notice and pay attention to others more. I feel more at peace. More comfortable with my emotions and those of others.

I could have chosen to be bitter, angry, mad, and resentful. … Read more...

How to stay married after losing a child

You might think the death of a child would bring a couple closer but that’s not always the case. I think when a child dies, how people grieve and accept the loss differs. Sometimes there is blame, especially when it comes to suicide and overdose, making a difficult situation even worse.

I want you to know that astronomically high divorce rates after death of a child is apparently a myth and a study by Compassionate Friends showed that divorce rate of couples who lose a child is 16% and not the 80% that you often hear of. However, even these … Read more...

Let people know it’s OK to talk about your deceased child

What do I say when someone asks, “Do you have children?”

I say, “My oldest is in LA living his dream as a filmmaker. My youngest died by suicide three years ago. He suffered from depression and addiction.”

Bring it up first. That gives others permission to talk about it. Because I talk about Charles often and openly, people aren’t afraid of the subject. So don’t let your fear of their reaction keep you from talking.

If you avoid talking about him for fear of being judged or not wanting to be a Debbie Downer (or David Downer) for … Read more...

That day, I just wanted it all to stop

I felt totally out of it the day Charles called on June 4, the day before he killed himself.

The heroin addiction was still new and I was confused with the despair in his voice. I didn’t know how to identify what it was. I felt overwhelmed because not only could I not fix this, I had no idea what to do.

Should I take him somewhere? Where? What’s the matter with him? Why I am hearing what I’m hearing? What is he saying? Does he want help? Am I being manipulated again?

When I didn’t know what to do, … Read more...

My grief timeline. The first two years.

This will be a description of how I felt at certain points in my grief journey after the loss of my child to suicide as a result of depression and addiction. The back and forth. The grief relapses, the surges forward and back again.

Day 1 – Worst day of my life. The pain was unbearable. I felt like I was not going to survive it. The only way I made it from one hour to the next was to tell myself it would never be as bad as it was when I got the news. The next … Read more...

You can’t heal if you don’t feel

We are a society averse to feeling pain or sadness. A culture focused on numbing ourselves through it and circling the wagons.

A breakup? We head to the bar.

The problem with self-medication is that it stalls what would otherwise be a growth and healing experience. And reaching for a substance to solve problems robs you of the ability to develop healthy coping strategies.

Avoiding your pain has the same result.

Grief cannot be avoided. And if you try, it will kick you in the ass, drag you along at a snail’s pace, and stunt your healing.

Grief. Is there
… Read more...

Start the day with what you are grateful for

Studies have shown that people who write down and think of things they are grateful for have a more positive outlook on life. I knew someone in my Families Anonymous group that did this every day and she swore by it.

Some say do five things per day, some say three and I say at least do one per day. Even others do one list of five on Monday. How is up to you but writing down one thing per day, sets the tone for your day. If you are in grief now, it might be all you can do to … Read more...

Remember when I was on the other side?

“Life can crush your perfect world in under a second.”
—Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the rap song, Hell on Earth

I can hardly remember the days before I lost Charles. And when I do, it feels like a lifetime ago. Centuries even. How did my life get divided in half like that?  Like my other life is a book all by itself, sitting on another shelf in some other house.

What was I like? Did I know to ask moms about their children after they died? And did I ever say things like, “He is in a better place?” Was … Read more...

Coming back to life after the most devastating loss of my life

It’s been a slow process feeling human after my son, Charles’ suicide in June of 2015. You can’t hit the gas pedal to speed yourself through it. You can’t go around it. You can’t drink yourself through it.

I can’t say it’s something you go though either. It goes through you and you just have to accept it.

Those days, weeks, months after the death of my child felt like my soul had been ripped from my chest, tossed into the road and run over by a tractor trailer. For us, it wasn’t easier when he was alive. The last … Read more...

We are surviving the unsurvivable

by Christine Dudek

It is almost one year since my most favorite boy in the entire world left us with a giant hole in our lives.

I am still here and surviving somehow. What I might write?  What will I share about my life? Joe and my girls – Kayleigh and Julia (Jules)– are living though the same emotional brutality as I am; but I won’t speak to their pain or their grief or their hearts. That’s theirs to tell if and when they choose.

Some days I feel a little bit devoid of anything. I think it is self-protection … Read more...

When is grief abnormal?

When is your grief crippling?  What’s normal and what’s not?

If you are at the beginning, it’s crippling. Period. You can barely get out of bed and function and you feel like you are in a fog. That’s normal.

What if you still visit your child’s grave 30 years after she died? Or you still talk to your child and cry about the loss decades later? Your brain still foggy after a year? All normal.

What if soon after, you get angry and want to throw things? Anger is a natural part of grief. So that’s not unusual.

Grief is … Read more...

Grief shaming. Why is she still talking about her child who died?

When someone loses a child, they don’t erase her from the family tree

So I’m listening to the radio in the car. The lady who called into the “Complicated Grief Show” started by saying it’s been 8 years since her cousin lost her daughter and that she still goes to visit her grave. The caller went on to say that when she visits her cousin who lost her daughter, she is always looking for ways to interject a story about her deceased child into the conversation.

Then she said, “It’s been so long now and it’s making me uncomfortable.” She … Read more...

How to let go of bitterness in grief

Who wants to be bitter their whole life? How does it improve the quality of your life? And do others want to be around you when you are bitter?

The short answer is that it doesn’t improve the quality of your life so let’s get rid of it.

We are allowed some bitterness in grief. Just know that it’s a space you want out of. You can have the thoughts, no one can stop that. I’ve had them. Just make sure you have strategies to overcome that feeling so you can move forward.

Awareness comes first. Then a willingness to … Read more...