“Life can crush your perfect world in under a second.”
—Charles Aubrey Rogers, from the rap song, Hell on Earth
I can hardly remember the days before I lost Charles. And when I do, it feels like a lifetime ago. Centuries even. How did my life get divided in half like that? Like my other life is a book all by itself, sitting on another shelf in some other house.
What was I like? Did I know to ask moms about their children after they died? And did I ever say things like, “He is in a better place?” Was I aware that people never got over the death of a child?
That transformation from “mom” to “mom who lost her child to suicide,” happened so fast. One second I was normal. Then one sentence transformed my life forever. As much as I wanted to hit that rewind button, there was no going back.
That gaping hole of hurt felt so large and I had to hold onto the edge of it with everything I had.
Even the day after he died, I tried to remember how I was before I knew he was dead but I couldn’t see it through all that fog. Those feelings of worrying about him were replaced with feelings of utter devastation.
Where did my former self go? And what would she be doing if all this had not happened?