Video: Forgive me momma – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Charles would rather Eminem or Cage be performing this rap. But I don’t know their numbers.

Since 8th grade, rap was Charles’ lifeline. He wrote it, performed it and it helped him deal with his depression and his addiction. I’m not talking about the crap rap that is commercially popular, I’m talking about soulful kind that represents the root of the genre.

He never shared his raps with me and other than the ones online. I saw them only after he died. He knew I’d be alarmed. I called his notebooks his Rap Diaries and in those pages, I have the answer to the why of his suicide.

Charles had “it” and sometimes it feels I lost Charles and the world lost Elvis. He had so much creative potential. So to celebrate my son’s life on the weekend of his death anniversary, BES Studio offered to help me with this video. I love you and miss you Charles.

Lyrics below

Forgive me Momma

I just want apologize for all my lies
and all the times you stayed up at night traumatized
from when I said I wanna die,
When we argued, screamed and cried

I used to wonder if it was possible for a soul to bleed inside
I was trapped in the dark, But I see the light
Your love would never budge, even when I would scream and cus, puke and get drunk.

I wasn’t raised that way, I know it cut like razor blades. But you never ever fade away,

Ima graduate, I’m get this paper made, every dreamer needs a believer and I’m paving the way

Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma

My actions were ugly , teenage druggie, looking for anything to numb me, pathetic, scummy.
But you still love me. I would cry when I wanna die and you would hug me.

I was so angry when you sent me away, in my own personal hell to stay.
I hated every day, put me off on layaway
cause you were terrified by the way I lived my life.
I was still your little kid inside, the same little boy who said Momma I lost my tooth,
was the same kid saying I need bail from you, I failed you.
It hurts but that the truth
I got worth to proof, I know you love me and I love you too.
You’re my mom, the only one I’ll ever have, I’m sorry I was bad, all the tears I could sit in a bath, I’m sorry Mom, I’m sorry Dad.

Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma

Apologize for the dirty words of my songs, you didn’t raise me wrong.
But anger blinds and burns strong.
I remember when you told me Cal tied that rope, tears flushed your face and sobs choked in your throat.
I sat in silence, refused to show any expression of pain, my brain played the same sad note but I kept it bottled up and never spoke except the raps I wrote. It hurt and no one was supposed to know, when everything leaves, all you have is hope. All you have is family. I took that for granted and I can’t stand it.

Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma

The final 48 hours

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

21 thoughts on “Video: Forgive me momma – by Charles Aubrey Rogers”

  1. Anne, it is so great that Charles expressed his deep love for you. He communicates so many sincere feelings of what he was going through. It is so obvious that he appreciated you and that he knew you never gave up on him. Thank you for all you do to help so many of us suicide survivors. When a family member has mental illness, every day can be a challenge. You inspire us.💝

  2. I listened to some of Charles’s rap. I know this genre pretty well – my boys are into it. I appreciate Eminem who some say is the greatest rap artist of all time. Charles blew me away. Very talented. Hope his work gets attention. It’s very special that his mom appreciates his talent!

  3. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this. We don’t know each other ( I do work at Wasatch, and ‘knew’ Charles, and that is how I ended up seeing this) but I love you. I imagine you know this, but your courage is going to save a life if not many lives. I hope with all of my heart that that eases the pain even just a little bit.

  4. There are no words. I’m honored that you have chosen to share his words, pain, and soul poetry with us. Holding you up with prayers and love from afar. 💕 you are so loving and giving. Thank you.

  5. I can only imagine how hard this was for you and today, the anniversary. God bless you in your difficult journey. May you find peace and comfort.

  6. Wow. Just Wow. Thank goodness he wrote about his love that he had for you. I’m sure that doesn’t make his untimely death easier by any stretch of the imagination, but it leaves a little insight about the “why’s”. May you continue to talk, help, support and love in his memory. My thoughts are with you and your family every day, but extra today. We all want our kids to be happy and healthy. I guess this was his way of feeling that he would accomplish both. We know differently. Hugs to you.

  7. Charles loved his family so much. Such emotionally powerful lyrics. I’m so very sorry for his pain and your family’s. I know he is proud of the work you are doing to help others. Thinking and praying for you especially today. love, Leigh

  8. Sending you and your family hugs today! Thank you for your courage and for sharing Charles with us! You are amazing! xoxo

  9. I have been thinking about you so much over the past few days especially. Can not imagine how difficult this day is for you and your family. You have so many friends and family members that are supporting you all. Sending a hug your way.

  10. There are no words. You have brought me to my knees. I thank you for your continued fight tackling the stigma that comes with addiction and mental illness. Your strength and courage are a beacon of light for so many. I pray that God wraps you and your family in light and love, strength and hope, not just today but everyday. Thank you for sharing Charles with us today.

  11. I’m glad you can’t see me because I feel every word with tears and frustration. He so eloquently expressed what so many of us feel. Thank you for sharing your heart with me Anne Moss. You are truly loved. I’m so sorry…it’s me saying that to you today and not Charles. He did love you so. May he rest in peace and may God comfort your heart and your soul. ❌⭕️❌⭕️

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