Charles would rather Eminem or Cage be performing this rap. But I don’t know their numbers.
Since 8th grade, rap was Charles’ lifeline. He wrote it, performed it and it helped him deal with his depression and his addiction. I’m not talking about the crap rap that is commercially popular, I’m talking about soulful kind that represents the root of the genre.
He never shared his raps with me and other than the ones online. I saw them only after he died. He knew I’d be alarmed. I called his notebooks his Rap Diaries and in those pages, I have the answer to the why of his suicide.
Charles had “it” and sometimes it feels I lost Charles and the world lost Elvis. He had so much creative potential. So to celebrate my son’s life on the weekend of his death anniversary, BES Studio offered to help me with this video. I love you and miss you Charles.
Lyrics below
Forgive me Momma
I just want apologize for all my lies
and all the times you stayed up at night traumatized
from when I said I wanna die,
When we argued, screamed and cried
I used to wonder if it was possible for a soul to bleed inside
I was trapped in the dark, But I see the light
Your love would never budge, even when I would scream and cus, puke and get drunk.
I wasn’t raised that way, I know it cut like razor blades. But you never ever fade away,
Ima graduate, I’m get this paper made, every dreamer needs a believer and I’m paving the way
Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma
My actions were ugly , teenage druggie, looking for anything to numb me, pathetic, scummy.
But you still love me. I would cry when I wanna die and you would hug me.
I was so angry when you sent me away, in my own personal hell to stay.
I hated every day, put me off on layaway
cause you were terrified by the way I lived my life.
I was still your little kid inside, the same little boy who said Momma I lost my tooth,
was the same kid saying I need bail from you, I failed you.
It hurts but that the truth
I got worth to proof, I know you love me and I love you too.
You’re my mom, the only one I’ll ever have, I’m sorry I was bad, all the tears I could sit in a bath, I’m sorry Mom, I’m sorry Dad.
Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma
Apologize for the dirty words of my songs, you didn’t raise me wrong.
But anger blinds and burns strong.
I remember when you told me Cal tied that rope, tears flushed your face and sobs choked in your throat.
I sat in silence, refused to show any expression of pain, my brain played the same sad note but I kept it bottled up and never spoke except the raps I wrote. It hurt and no one was supposed to know, when everything leaves, all you have is hope. All you have is family. I took that for granted and I can’t stand it.
Forgive me momma,
I tried the fast life and got addicted momma
Forgive me momma
I wish I was different momma
Forgive me momma
You mean so much to me Anne Moss, it breaks my heart 💔 to see you in so much pain 😢 please know that if it meant you & Charles could be together again I would swap places with him in a heartbeat, I love you so much & will be forever grateful to him for sending such a special angel 👼 to watch over me, he truly was so lucky to have you as a mom.
Thank you. It was a while ago I did this video but when I watch it the feelings return. It’s ok now as I visit the video I can feel him with me.
I can still remember the first time I watched this video Anne Moss, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but it saved my life that day! ❤️
For real? Thanks for telling me that Cheyenne.
I can’t remember how I came across it but I was struggling with depression & suicidal thoughts to the point where I had a plan, bizarre as it might sound to others, to see how much pain you were in after losing Charles became the thing that saved me from myself, I realised that no matter how dark things got, I couldn’t let you lose me too!
Some people get really mad when they see it like I’m trying to “guilt” them out of it. I get that. And still others just never considered the other point of view. I’m glad you recognized it as my pain after a loss and not a guilt trip. I do understand why others might see it that way, though.
Love you ma’am. It hurts me to see you cry. I want to hug you and let you know how much your son loved you. Let me rephrase. He still Loves you, because he is with you Anne. Stay strong. I know it is tough. But you are keeping his legacy alive.
I have come a long way since this video, Danny. It still makes me cry. But a lot of healing has happened in the five years since I posted this.
Thank you, Anne, for bringing us Charle’s words… in just the way you did. They went right in and made me cry for you and us and our children… my oh my, what they endured while on earth. I could feel the bond between the two of you, such a beautiful and enduring thing… Love to you always xox
Thank you so much Elaine. I was so shocked but also delighted when I found that song.
Anne Moss
I just saw the video you made a year after Charles’ death. It had me in tears. You have turned this personal tragedy into something that helps others. Thank you for that.
I watched it the other day again. I did cry but recognized and appreciated how far I have come in my healing journey. And a lot of it is helping others. That has helped so me so much. Thank Ellen. For commenting and saying what you did.
Anne, it is so great that Charles expressed his deep love for you. He communicates so many sincere feelings of what he was going through. It is so obvious that he appreciated you and that he knew you never gave up on him. Thank you for all you do to help so many of us suicide survivors. When a family member has mental illness, every day can be a challenge. You inspire us.💝
Oh Anne that is so sweet. Thank you. This song means so much. I included it in my book since it’s obviously a favorite.
I listened to some of Charles’s rap. I know this genre pretty well – my boys are into it. I appreciate Eminem who some say is the greatest rap artist of all time. Charles blew me away. Very talented. Hope his work gets attention. It’s very special that his mom appreciates his talent!
He has a lot still. I need to do a book. On my radar now. Thank you!
He KNEW he was Loved
I do believe he did. Thank you Diane
Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this. We don’t know each other ( I do work at Wasatch, and ‘knew’ Charles, and that is how I ended up seeing this) but I love you. I imagine you know this, but your courage is going to save a life if not many lives. I hope with all of my heart that that eases the pain even just a little bit.
Sweet Blessings
❤ no words to say just tears ❤
There are no words. I’m honored that you have chosen to share his words, pain, and soul poetry with us. Holding you up with prayers and love from afar. 💕 you are so loving and giving. Thank you.
❤️ Just ❤️…
Hugs to your family Anne Moss. Thanks for sharing and helping us understand your journey.
I can only imagine how hard this was for you and today, the anniversary. God bless you in your difficult journey. May you find peace and comfort.
Wow. Just Wow. Thank goodness he wrote about his love that he had for you. I’m sure that doesn’t make his untimely death easier by any stretch of the imagination, but it leaves a little insight about the “why’s”. May you continue to talk, help, support and love in his memory. My thoughts are with you and your family every day, but extra today. We all want our kids to be happy and healthy. I guess this was his way of feeling that he would accomplish both. We know differently. Hugs to you.
It does help for him to have left a legacy to understand why it happened.
Charles loved his family so much. Such emotionally powerful lyrics. I’m so very sorry for his pain and your family’s. I know he is proud of the work you are doing to help others. Thinking and praying for you especially today. love, Leigh
Sending you and your family hugs today! Thank you for your courage and for sharing Charles with us! You are amazing! xoxo
I have been thinking about you so much over the past few days especially. Can not imagine how difficult this day is for you and your family. You have so many friends and family members that are supporting you all. Sending a hug your way.
There are no words. You have brought me to my knees. I thank you for your continued fight tackling the stigma that comes with addiction and mental illness. Your strength and courage are a beacon of light for so many. I pray that God wraps you and your family in light and love, strength and hope, not just today but everyday. Thank you for sharing Charles with us today.
I’m glad you can’t see me because I feel every word with tears and frustration. He so eloquently expressed what so many of us feel. Thank you for sharing your heart with me Anne Moss. You are truly loved. I’m so sorry…it’s me saying that to you today and not Charles. He did love you so. May he rest in peace and may God comfort your heart and your soul. ❌⭕️❌⭕️
Hugs and prayers on his anniversary