Don’t say: At least he’s in a better place now
Say instead: I know you miss him every day
Don’t say: I couldn’t survive losing a child
Say instead: I can’t fix your hurt. But I can listen
Don’t say: Call me if there is anything I can do for you
Instead say: I will be over at 4 pm to take Sara to soccer.
Is that OK?
Don’t say: I know exactly how you feel. I lost my great grandfather last year.
Instead say: I don’t know how you feel. Can I give you a hug?
Don’t say:… Read more...
It’s a simple question.
However, once the loss of a child is acknowledged in a memorial service and everyone else gets back on the bus, those of us who have lost a child still struggle. If it’s a stigmatized death like suicide or drug-related death, there are additional struggles that come with having lost a child to a “less noble” cause of death.
The question is have you asked your friend or relative how they are? How they are coping months after when no one else is asking or bringing meals?
You guys ask me because I have this blog. … Read more...
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Phrases like, “What can I do?” or “Call if you need anything,” are too open ended for parents who’ve just lost a child. Try to be more intentional with yes or no questions, such as, “I’ll come mow your lawn on Saturday. Would 10am be a good time?”
In the early stages of grief, it’s hard to make decisions and the number we are able to make is limited. And any stories you have about the child that died are appreciated. We always love those.
… Read more...
You have no idea what to say. Will talking about their child make it worse? Will it trigger more grief? No. Because we think about the one we lost every day till the day we die. It changes over time. But we never, ever forget for even one day.
If that parent lost a child to suicide or drug overdose, they suffer the stigma of a “less noble death” even though both of those causes of death are from diseases of the brain. So people say even less. Parents who’ve lost a child are avoided, eliminated from guest lists, and … Read more...
Alter Ego: A lot of new people at this party
Me: I love meeting new people
Alter Ego: What will you say if they ask how many kids you have?
Me: Maybe I will just mention Richard
Alter Ego: What about Charles?
Me: I don’t know. Just saying I have one sort of makes me feel like I don’t honor his memory
Alter Ego: Saying he died is such a conversation killer
Me: Well I’m not going to say “Hi my name is Anne Moss, I had a child die by suicide”
Alter Ego: Let’s hope not
Me: If it comes up…
Alter … Read more...