In the first few days and weeks following any tragedy, you are in shock. Grief covers you like a lead blanket and you can’t see how you will ever be able to function again.
Your first step? Believe you will survive this. Keep telling yourself you will.
The way I got through each day at first was to tell myself that as bad as it was, it could never be as bad as getting the news my son killed himself. I’ve already gotten that call. The best thing people could do for me is to be there and ask, “How … Read more...
We used to be four. Now we are three. I still struggle with that.
I regret I did not have more children. Not that other children would “replace” the one I lost to suicide . It’s just I feel our family is so much smaller now.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful and grateful for what I have. I know parents who lost their only child. I know parents who’ve lost more than one. People say, “I’d never survive that.” Yes, you would. Because you have no other choice.
Getting complaints from neighbors of loud noise and craziness.
He did have some humdingers of parties in his day.
Wondering where he is…messing with drugs…receiving a call from jail to bail him out…hooking up with bad people who could take advantage of him…driving recklessly…and all those other nightmarish thoughts that haunt every parent, at one time or another, in middle of the night.
He’s not here to get in trouble.
Becoming deathly ill…struggling with depression and anxiety.
Right after Charles’ suicide, the only way I got through those first few weeks after my family left was to remind myself that it will never hurt as much as it did when we got that unbearable news.
A few months later I thought “getting better” or moving forward would mean I wouldn’t think of him every day. Then that thought would frighten me. But I do think of him every day and now I know I always will.
There are so many times I feel like a kite on a tight string in a high wind flapping furiously in … Read more...
Let’s face it. Losing a child hurts. Period. It’s devastating. So devastating you wonder how you will go on. You wake up every day for months and then it dawns on you that your worst nightmare is actually true.
It can’t hurt more.
All I can say is that a suicide is a loss like no other and you don’t know it until you’ve been through it.
A stigmatized death like suicide or overdose does carry with it some shame that other causes of death do not. It’s still a “less noble” cause of death for some reason. So there … Read more...
Shock. Numbness. Tears. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to live through this. But I made a bet with myself to move forward with my life. If I give up, who carries Charles’ legacy? Who fights for change?
It was frustrating how no one mentioned my child’s name for fear of “reminding” me. Like that’s something I could forget. Did any of us ever think that when we were on the other side? The side that was before our child died?
There are lots of grief myths and I’m busting a few of the most glaring ones from my point of view. Many think grief is all emotional symptoms but grief has many physical symptoms, too.
1. You will get over it
It’s not a matter of “getting over it.” It’s a matter of learning to live without the one you lost. It’s a big adjustment. All your hopes and dreams have been yanked from under you. It takes time to rebuild your life with new dreams and you will always have some hurt over the ones that will never come true.
I didn’t mean to hurt you. I numbed you at first because I had to protect you. One can take only so much pain and agony at once.
I watched you in your agonizing moments knowing that these would be building blocks to emotional healing. You suffered under my weight and tried unsuccessfully to lift it yourself when you got tired of it. But I do have a mind of my own and just when you thought you couldn’t take another minute, the weight would lift.
At first, you thought getting better meant getting past me. But then you learned that … Read more...
Some days my efforts for getting up and dressed are half hearted. I do it anyway because lying about in bed won’t make me feel better. There are times you have to fake it before you make it. Losing a child to suicide is so devastating, many days you can’t believe it happened.
If there was one consistent theme about Charles, it was that he always reached out. He reached out to kids who were not always visible to others and to ones who were highly visible as well.
He put himself at risk socially doing this. But unlike other kids his age, he didn’t care.
He’d put himself on the line and stand up for other kids who had no friends at all or had tons of friends. Kids that felt isolated or depressed or were having a hard time with something in their lives. Kids that were unusual, unpopular, different. Kids … Read more...