Your grief journey is as individual as you are which is why this one is made of fingerprints. There is no timeline and everyone hits different stages at their own pace. There is no rushing it. It has a mind of its own. You can do things to find peace and joy but for the most part, you are along for the ride.
I explain my #griefheart project here.
See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.… Read more...
This #griefheart is in honor of Stephen B Sandknop, March 25, 1983-October 28, 2013. He was in a relapse from methamphetamine addiction and was having psychotic episodes and died by suicide when he jumped off his own apartment building in Hollywood, CA during a phone conversation with his mother, Randy. She didn’t find out until the next morning what had happened to him.
Stephen was a singer/songwriter and three of his songs are in movies. Here’s his YouTube channel. So many artists suffer from addiction and mental illness. This picture is donated by the photographer, his mother, to … Read more...
Charles had a heart of gold. Yes, he suffered from depression. Ultimately succumbed to an addiction to heroin and died by suicide.
But the person underneath the illness of addiction was a sweet, thoughtful person who cared about others. My sweetheart of a child was imperfect. He was stubborn. He was his own person. I do wish he was here with me. But I’ll have to carry him in my own heart instead.
I explain my #griefheart project here.
See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart … Read more...
Charles was all heart and This is part of a card sent to Charles by his beloved theatre group in his sophomore year (I think) in high school and Mrs. Fretwell, his favorite teacher ever. Charles had cracked his skull, supposedly on a skateboard accident. But later we found out he’d cracked his skull “car surfing.”In his sophomore year, Charles was engaging in riskier and riskier behavior which is, by the way, a sign of suicide and depression.–that cavalier attitude about life being a red flag.
This accident in the hospital was the first time Charles took opiates. We had been
For me, the birthday is the hardest. I imagine what he’d be doing at the same time his picture has not aged and he is forever frozen at age 20. His friends have moved forward, graduated from college, gotten jobs, gotten married. He turns a year older to our family but the day is not preceded with the typical Charles banter of what kind of celebration we are going to have on his big day.
Happy birthday my love. You would have been 21 today, April 26, 2016. I will carry you in my heart forever.… Read more...
I believe that by being open about suicide and sharing coping experiences and ideas, we can learn from each other.
The stigma has kept us clammed up for so long, it’s time we shared.
These work for me. Not to wipe away the pain. But to help me figure out how to live my life with this loss.
Writing hurts sometimes. Well, a lot of times. But there is a release of pain after I hit publish. I also feel free to do it now–to say what I want. No one is stopping me because I started my own … Read more...
These might also apply to a death of a loved one that is not a suicide.
However, my grief experience is with the suicide of my son, Charles so I wrote from that point of view.
I will never get over itA suicide, or any untimely death, is not something you “get over.” It’s a journey that changes over time. You’ll always miss your loved one but you learn to carry them with you. Saying something as dour as “I’ll never get over it” merely brings you down emotionally. It shatters your hope of having a life and finding joy after the untimely … Read more...
Is my new normal about being stupid?
Nothing is worse for your grief than lack of sleep. You know if you don’t sleep you are weepier and more prone to sinking into the black hole of grief despair.
And nothing kicks that up like that “spring forward” time of year. Not that I have any past experience with grief and spring forward.
I had started to get up earlier and felt a little lift with spring coming when seeing that sunshine come through the blinds. That was prior to Daylight Savings Time (DST).
Adjusting for me has always been hard. … Read more...
I feel like I’ve gotten weird and I know some of you might think that my experiences are desperation by a grieving mom. Maybe they are. But I don’t really know how to explain some of them especially this one.
So here goes.
I’m walking the dog on Wednesday around noon this week, and it’s like 80 degrees F and suddenly out of the blue I feel this very cold, concentrated breeze for lack of a better description. Probably more like a blast. And then it’s gone.
So I look around to see if I’m on a grate or near … Read more...
My coulda woulda shoulda is that last phone call I had with Charles. Here’s how it goes.
Alter Ego: You missed that last conversation, the one where he texted you, “Please pick up the f@#$%& phone, there is something I need to tell you.”
(my mind usually whines here)
Me: We had already been on the phone for two hours. He was shouting, incoherent and argumentative. I didn’t know where he was. I couldn’t understand him. I said, “I have to go. Bye, bye, I love you.” Then he called again and we talked again.
Alter Ego: But that third phone call, the one that … Read more...
I am standing somewhere noisy when all of a sudden a memory hits me and my heart freezes, breathing all but stops. The crowd becomes this surreal din of noise and I physically shrink in size while the colors of the room smudge together as the grief wave settles in. Lonely is the best way to describe it because right then, I am sure no one could feel such pain in their heart–right down to my muscles and bones.
It will subside but sometimes I want to hold onto it longer because it makes me feel closer to the child … Read more...
Probably one of the toughest things about having a child who died, especially one that died by suicide, is that many people avoid you and say nothing. And yes, we notice. In fact, we are hypersensitive to it.
It’s isolating and devastating enough without the added stress of someone obviously avoiding you or the subject because they don’t know what to say. I understand why. But it still hurts.
And sometimes when I have brought it up to eliminate the elephant in the room, people wave me off or turn away like it’s too ugly and they don’t want to … Read more...