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Looking for hope and joy after my son’s suicide

I am standing somewhere noisy when all of a sudden a memory hits me and my heart freezes, breathing all but stops. The crowd becomes this surreal din of noise and I physically shrink in size while the colors of the room smudge together as the grief wave settles in. Lonely is the best way to describe it because right then, I am sure no one could feel such pain in their heart–right down to my muscles and bones.

It will subside but sometimes I want to hold onto it longer because it makes me feel closer to the child I lost. Since this grief has been going on for a while now, I  carefully and gently nudge myself back to the living because that is where Charles would want me to be. He would want me to be happy and to find my way. He would want me to follow my passion.

Finding hope and joy again is an effort every day. It gets easier if that’s the word for it. Somedays the work is still so hard. My love for my son has become richer so following a path of finding hope and joy in the midst of the most devastating tragedy of my life, is essential. The other way leads only to bitterness and resentment. I just can’t live my life that way.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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