Petrified heart—#griefheart number 285

Petrified is how I felt during the last phone call with Charles that I could not figure out. Petrified is how I felt when I heard the news of his suicide. Not petrified like preserved. But literally scared as shit.

Scared of facing such an insurmountable loss. Fear of what was previously unknown read more

Heart of a blue bird—#griefheart number 284

I got this card from a dear neighbor, Roxann, on Charles’ birthday week. We used to live across the street from her family and watched her kids grow up before they moved away around middle school. They were the best neighbors. She and her husband have two lovely daughters.

So in the card, read more

Birthday cake heart— #griefheart number 283

I celebrated Charles’ birthday at training today and my friend Gray brought a cake in honor of my child who would have been 23. Gray lost her son, Whitten, to suicide. So sweet of her to bring this cake and I had a group with whom to share it.

Meanwhile, my husband went to go retrieve read more

Pajama jeans love— #griefheart number 282

So there is a story behind these. Pun intended since this is a photo of the back end of my most comfortable jeans. So the denim style now is skin tight. That’s NOT the style of this old pair. These are well worn and soft. Because of that, holes appear in the rear. And when they do, I make read more

Easter egg heart— #griefheart number 281

Easter egg heart

On Easter morning, I could not help but remember how much Charles LOVED easter egg hunts. I think he is about seven when we go to the event in my parent’s neighborhood. It was a game, a group activity, and it had candy involved so it had all the ingredients Charles’ loved. What is funny read more

Softened heart— #griefheart number 280

Softened heart

The stabbing pain of grief when we first lost Charles to suicide from depression and addiction was relentless. I didn’t know someone could survive such emotional agony. My soul felt hard and it literally hurt.

Over time, grief has lost its razor sharp edges and my heart has softened. It no longer read more

Black heart— #griefheart number 280

Black heart

I see references in Charles’ music to his black heart. He felt like he was ashamed because of the darkness in his soul.

I hear that a lot from those with mental illness. They think they are not worthy of friends, of a family’s love, or life. That darkness is part of the disease of depression, read more

Carry more love in my heart— #griefheart number 278

Carry more love in my heart

Since losing my son to suicide, I realize I feel every emotion more fully.

At first, I thought it was only pain I felt more acutely. Eventually, I noticed I felt everything, including joy, times one hundred. As strange as it sounds, this loss has given me the capacity to carry more love in my heart.

What is the #griefheart project?

I read more

Healing heart valentine— #griefheart number 277

Healing heart valentine

My husband and I shared the love when our hearts where whole and then when they were shredded.

On June 5, 2015, the night we were devastated with the shocking news that  Charles had killed himself, we made a pact that the last chapter of our read more