Tag: grief

Hindsight Heart – #griefheart number 64

Hindsight heart
Hindsight heart

When a loved one dies by suicide, you think of all the things you should have, would have, could have done. Even if it’s not a suicide, you blame yourself. Hindsight is always clearer.

At first, those coulda-woulda-shouldas haunt you until you learn to let them go. Not that you ever release yourself completely but you do let go enough to find peace. I’m not perfect and I have to accept his death and know I didn’t cause it and I couldn’t cure it.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on … Read more...

Yellow Diamond Heart- #griefheart number 58

Diamond Heart
Diamond Heart

This #griefheart is one in a pair of earrings I bought while working for an awesome dealer/friend in NY.

I was desperately trying to sell them years later to help pay for the support services we needed for Charles before he died by suicide. Treating mental illness and addiction is not cheap and we had gone through $260k in our efforts to help him.

At some point, your money runs out as it did in our case. I had sold so many things. But these did not sell fast enough. I didn’t want to look desperate even though I was. And … Read more...

To those who need it now, don’t let that pilot light of hope burn out

through all the terror i can find beauty and a glimpse of hope

Suicide is loss of hope.

And certainly after you lose a child by suicide, your sense of hope is hard to find.  What do you do after you lose one of the people that gives your life meaning?

The pain of losing my child by suicide was relentless at first until I just went numb and catatonic. That numbness is your body’s only defense to the onslaught of unbearable agony.

Yet through all that despair, I desperately held onto that tiny shred of hope that was going to keep me alive, keep me moving forward. I held onto it with everything I had. That awful night, my son and … Read more...

Love to live for– #griefheart number 50

#griefheart
Love to live for

I told Richard, my oldest son and Charles’ brother, what I wanted to do for my #griefheart. I had a hard time getting my hands high enough for his tall self so he kept squatting. He is stifling a laugh over my lack of being able to make a decent heart with may hands.

Dante, his roommate, is trying to hold the camera behind me and in front of my hands. Even funnier.

Both of them are more interested in the attractive wait staff and hostesses than my project by picture 12. Like two year olds I … Read more...

Boardwalk Love – #griefheart number 49

49-heart

Shortly after Charles’ suicide, someone carved or wrote this on the dock at the pavilion at Woodlake in Midlothian Va where Charles grew up. A mom snapped a photo and sent it to me. Sorry but I can’t remember who sent it. We had sold the house 4 days before he died and we had to move. My life at that point was such a blur. To whomever sent it, thank you.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...

Unloved Heart – #griefheart number 48

#griefheart
Unloved Heart

I am always doing hearts about what Charles loved. But today, I’m doing one about something he did not love. And that’s broccoli and pretty much any food in the category of green unless it was a piece of candy.

We were cooking broccoli and we couldn’t help but laugh at the memory of all the ways Charles would make fun of broccoli. He couldn’t eat something that looked like trees.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.… Read more...

Love from Pie – #griefheart number 47

Love from Pie
Love from Pie

This heart is in memory of Maggie Moyler who died by suicide at the age of 17 in 2011. Above is her signature.

I knew Maggie as a young child because the Moylers went to the same church we did in Midlothian. She was adorable–an absolute light. She looked like a child right out of a Gap ad and I thought the Moyler’s had the perfect family.

Years later, after Charles died by suicide in June 2015, Charlotte contacted me from their new home in Williamsburg and told me Maggie had died by suicide at 17. I had not … Read more...

Lipstick Heart – #griefheart number 46

Lipstick Heart
Lipstick Heart

This heart is to raise awareness for the 45% increase in suicide rates in females from 1999-2014.

Middle-aged women 45-64, had the highest suicide rate among women and the largest increase– a whopping 63%. For females 10-14 years old, the suicide rate increased threefold between 1999 and 2014, a particularly alarming statistic.

I believe lack of resources and lack of conversation regarding mental illness are just two of the reasons suicide has gotten this promotion. Chances are your children know someone at school who has either died by suicide, attempted suicide or talked about it.

Please have a conversation about suicide in your family. It … Read more...

Super Heart – #griefheart number 45

#griefheart
Super Heart

Charles loved super heroes. The “man of steel” was his favorite. All super heroes have some pain in their past and I think now he identified with that.

He was always intrigued with super powers and used to talk of mechanical hands and flying as late as eighth grade. I think he hoped a super power could fix him.  And maybe a super power did.

This S is for Suicide Awareness. Thank you all for helping me spread awareness of a subject cloaked in silence.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See … Read more...

Grief: Finding joy where I can, when I can

Totally embarrassing video below

When Richard, oldest son, was here for the Richmond Film Festival early in March, we got some time to spend together. (His film Cottonmouth got in the festival.)

One day I took him and his roommate out to lunch. While we sat there eating, Richard said, “Hey Mom, do you want to go to the screenings with us this afternoon?” I said,”Yes I can. No plans!”

Whatever plans I had, poof, they were gone. Fortunately I had taken the day off and cannot even remember what my plans might have been.

In the car before we … Read more...

Dragged through the mud – #griefheart number 44

43-dragged-thru-the-mud

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a mud pie. But I made one today. I do feel like I’ve had a grief relapse lately. When I’ve talked to other moms in this “club,” they tell me it’s the result of being close to the death anniversary of June 5. It’s my first so I didn’t know what to expect.

There is some comfort knowing where it’s coming from. It just feels like your heart has been dragged through the mud–sluggish and unmotivated. I just try to remind myself that grieving is healing.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my … Read more...

Love & Lace – #griefheart number 43

43-love-and-lace-heart
Love & Lace

Today, two of my dearest friends, Paul and MaryJo Hughes, hosted their daughter’s wedding. I was so excited for them and for Brianna and Michael Palowitch. An absolutely stunning event. With each of these life events, there will be tears of sadness that Charles won’t have these moments. But tears of great joy as well.

Before I left for the wedding today, I set aside time to grieve the loss of those special moments and decided that I was going to enjoy the event without guilt.

I decided that instead of being sad because this is the first time I have been in that church … Read more...

Love of Games – #griefheart number 42

#griefheart
Love of Games

Charles loved games! Every single kind of game. Couldn’t ever get enough of them. When he was little and wanted to read, he loved the phonics game. He loved chess and played that with his Dad. He was in the chess club for a while and played at The Family School in upstate NY. He was pretty good.

It always amazed me that this kid with ADHD had the patience to play chess. But Charles loved strategy and for some reason he could concentrate on a game. Probably because it meant more to him than math homework … Read more...

Prickly Heart – #griefheart number 41

#griefheart
Prickly Heart

This is an original photo from a friend of mine. Obviously I don’t have desert as a yard.

But it does represent how my heart feels some days. Today especially. It just feels like a bunch sharp things are stuck in your heart. And it hurts. I have come to understand, however, that I can’t heal if I can’t feel. And that as long as I do hurt, healing is happening.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Why
… Read more...

Crying Heart – #griefheart number 38

#griefheart
Crying Heart

The shower is the best place to cry. The good news is that I don’t cry everyday in the shower like I once did.

Sometimes I just have nice memories in the shower. But when I really want to let loose, I do it here most of the time. It might hurt like crazy but I let it all hang out and it feels good to do so. I often feel better after. You moms who’ve lost a child know what I mean, don’t you? The car and the shower.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my … Read more...