When a loved one dies by suicide, you think of all the things you should have, would have, could have done. Even if it’s not a suicide, you blame yourself. Hindsight is always clearer.
At first, those coulda-woulda-shouldas haunt you until you learn to let them go. Not that you ever release yourself completely but you do let go enough to find peace. I’m not perfect and I have to accept his death and know I didn’t cause it and I couldn’t cure it.
I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief.
As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.
Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.
View all posts by Anne Moss Rogers
2 thoughts on “Hindsight Heart – #griefheart number 64”
Dear Anne,
One of the most difficult things about a loved one’s suicide is dealing with the “What ifs?”
Self blame is so hard to let go. My husband of 43 years had attempted suicide several time in the past. We had made a pact that if he felt a danger to himself, he would drive himself to the nearby mental hospital or ask me to drive him. He was admitted many times. But three weeks before he hung himself, he said to me “I think I am going into another cycle of depression.”
Why didn’t I drive him to the hospital? I think it had been so long since his last admission that it didn’t enter my mind. He seemed to be doing so much better in many ways. But he was having great difficulty sleeping. I truly believe that sleep deprivation is one serious symptom of possible suicide in depressed individuals.
I am trying to let go of the self blame, but the “if only” sentiment haunts me.
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Dear Anne,
One of the most difficult things about a loved one’s suicide is dealing with the “What ifs?”
Self blame is so hard to let go. My husband of 43 years had attempted suicide several time in the past. We had made a pact that if he felt a danger to himself, he would drive himself to the nearby mental hospital or ask me to drive him. He was admitted many times. But three weeks before he hung himself, he said to me “I think I am going into another cycle of depression.”
Why didn’t I drive him to the hospital? I think it had been so long since his last admission that it didn’t enter my mind. He seemed to be doing so much better in many ways. But he was having great difficulty sleeping. I truly believe that sleep deprivation is one serious symptom of possible suicide in depressed individuals.
I am trying to let go of the self blame, but the “if only” sentiment haunts me.
They do. And some form of them will always because there is this tiny thread that could have changed the outcome.