When a loved one dies by suicide, you think of all the things you should have, would have, could have done. Even if it’s not a suicide, you blame yourself. Hindsight is always clearer.
At first, those coulda-woulda-shouldas haunt you until you learn to let them go. Not that you ever release yourself completely but you do let go enough to find peace. I’m not perfect and I have to accept his death and know I didn’t cause it and I couldn’t cure it.
What is the #griefheart project?
I explain my #griefheart project here.
See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.
Dear Anne,
One of the most difficult things about a loved one’s suicide is dealing with the “What ifs?”
Self blame is so hard to let go. My husband of 43 years had attempted suicide several time in the past. We had made a pact that if he felt a danger to himself, he would drive himself to the nearby mental hospital or ask me to drive him. He was admitted many times. But three weeks before he hung himself, he said to me “I think I am going into another cycle of depression.”
Why didn’t I drive him to the hospital? I think it had been so long since his last admission that it didn’t enter my mind. He seemed to be doing so much better in many ways. But he was having great difficulty sleeping. I truly believe that sleep deprivation is one serious symptom of possible suicide in depressed individuals.
I am trying to let go of the self blame, but the “if only” sentiment haunts me.
They do. And some form of them will always because there is this tiny thread that could have changed the outcome.