I went to yoga Saturday with some friends. My friend Sophia was teaching. After, we took a picture with everyone making hearts with their arms in honor of Charles. I think the light glowing through the windows is a nice touch that we didn’t plan.
The sky symbolizes heaven and I can’t help but stare at it a lot since Charles died. I have always been fascinated with clouds and the fluffy white ones are always so peaceful next to a Carolina blue sky. I have spotted a heart but didn’t get my camera unlocked fast enough and it was gone. But Esther, my household help for the last 20 years, captured this one and sent it.
I do have more than one cloud heart but when you have a child that died, you kind of want to “collect” all the cloud hearts you can … Read more...
When you lose a child, the bruise on your heart doesn’t fade like the ones on your skin. The pain of a bruised heart from the loss of a child is like no other hurt.
Some days you really think you can’t get through all the hurt. You weren’t supposed to outlive your child. But we find a way to go on. We lift one another up. We start a new chapter. And like a bruise, the process is not always pretty but we manage to get there like countless other mothers and fathers have before us.
I’ll be holding you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again.
This sent to me by my friend Melissa. Someone close to her sent it when she was having a difficult time. And she sent it to me for the same reason. Every day is a tough day still since Charles’ suicide. Thank you guys for reaching out. And those other moms out there in the same club, this is for you, too.
You can find one in the sky,
You can form one out of rocks,
You mold one out of play dough,
You can shape one out of socks.
You can make one out of buttons,
You can stamp one in the snow,
You can fill today with
hearts everywhere you go!
This is the brown bag that contains the clothing Charles was wearing when he died by suicide. What do you do with something like this? I still don’t know.
So I just leave them in a bag in a box in the closet. I do take the bag out and hug it every once in a while. I also hug his backpack on tough days. His scent is no longer there which is heartbreaking. I wish there had been a way to capture his scent.
My friend Bonnie’s daughter got a new pooch. She realized after this picture was taken that she had captured a heart on the dog’s rump. And she sent it to me to be part of the #griefheart project. My late son Charles loved, loved dogs. They loved him.
I asked her the new dog’s name. It’s Charlie. Now that’s ironic.
My friend Laurie sent me this as a “thinking about you” #griefheart. She and I are part of that club no one wants to be in. She and her husband Scott lost their son Dawson to an overdose in 2014 and I am dedicating this one to his memory.
For 4 1/2 years, we went to Families Anonymous and after every meeting, the group says this prayer.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Charles loved his dog. He wanted one forever. He begged in middle school and I felt so guilty for saying no. I knew a dog would require my time no matter what my kids said about “doing everything.”
On his 15th birthday, we finally got Charles a dog. The world rejoiced! We got Andy from my friend Diane’s daughter who had to move to a new apartment that didn’t allow dogs. It was love at first sight.
Andy is still with us. I never thought the dog would outlive our son.