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Tag: a mother’s grieving heart

Pajama jeans love— #griefheart number 282

So there is a story behind these. Pun intended since this is a photo of the back end of my most comfortable jeans. So the denim style now is skin tight. That’s NOT the style of this old pair. These are well worn and soft. Because of that, holes appear in the rear. And when they do, I make a patch out of leftover jean material and sew it on to cover the hole.

These are my book writing jeans. Mondays are my dedicated days for writing my book and I’m currently working on draft number two, having completing draft … Read more...

Softened heart— #griefheart number 280

Softened heart

The stabbing pain of grief when we first lost Charles to suicide from depression and addiction was relentless. I didn’t know someone could survive such emotional agony. My soul felt hard and it literally hurt.

Over time, grief has lost its razor sharp edges and my heart has softened. It no longer feels like a dagger but a dull ache with a lot of love and compassion. There are days I get that stab but nothing like the sharpness I experienced the first two years after losing my son. Others told me it would be this way. I … Read more...

Sister-in-law Heart— #griefheart number 276

Sister-in-law heart

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and my sister-in-law, Jenny, with her daughter-in-law Sam (my niece by marriage), are preparing their football feast. This deviation of nature, a red potato no less, was going to be sacrificed for potato salad. And Jenny rocks at potato salad. But no! Samantha to the rescue! Not this precious baby. It needed to be held on this pedestal as a symbol for the #griefheart project in memory of my son, Charles.

So Sam dove in and rescued the potato from his fate before a single mark could be made on it’s precious surface. And then … Read more...

Women’s March heart— #griefheart number 274

grieving heart
Women’s March heart

My friends and I joined the Women’s March in Richmond Virginia today. It was a lively event with chants and singing. The signs were great. And funny. I parked at a friend’s house in the fan museum district and when I got out of the car, this was right in my face. A sign?

As we were walking in Cary Town I thought about how Charles loved protests and marches. And how much he loved Cary Town. Other than the James River, it was his favorite area in Richmond, a city he loved so much and told … Read more...

Heart wall— #griefheart number 265

Heart Wall

I recently visited a contact at SCAN, Stop Child Abuse Now, and when I walked back to her office, I saw this wall. A heart wall, all painted by children who have suffered some kind of trauma.

I liked the fact they were all together making a statement, the group of them all bright and colorful. By themselves, they don’t have as much impact. Charles loved being in groups, teams, with neighbors, friends and family. He was stronger in a group. He hated being alone.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all … Read more...

Typical hurt day

grieving tree
The grieving tree

Wrung out, cried out and feeling the dull ache of ‘miss you Charles.’

Not wanting to get out of bed. But I do.

Not wanting to run. But I do.

Nothing I can grab onto. Sinking.

I want to fix this. But I can’t.

Trying to get out of my own head. But stuck.

Trying to get things done. So unproductive.

Trying to feel normal. Impossible.

Thinking of ways to jumpstart myself. No energy.

Try to straighten my bent posture. I need a crowbar.

Talking to the air. It doesn’t talk back.

Begging for a … Read more...

Slime heart— #griefheart number 253

Slime heart
Slime heart

One of the cutest #griefhearts I have received! Shared with me by Ren Bell, co-facilitator of a Suicide Loss Support Group in Richmond, Virginia and mother of this cute little boy! Renee lost her sister to suicide. 

This so reminded me of Charles. His favorite past time at this age was creating a mess. Gooey. Slimy. Squishy. Mushy. Sticky. He loved it all. And often wound up wearing most of his mess. Of course, when it was all done, trying to get him to participate in clean up was near impossible.

Those were simpler times. Nice memories.

What

… Read more...

Luminous heart— #griefheart number 247

Luminous heart

When I saw this at the Overnight Walk in Washington DC it was like it was made for this project. The luminaries are all about honoring the life and struggles of those who have died by suicide and they are made by those who do this 16 mile trek overnight through the city. This particular arrangement was displayed on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

There were thousands of bags and I did find the luminaries we decorated in Charles’ memory.  Guess where? Not in the heart but at the top on stage. Exactly where I expected to … Read more...

Flock of love— #griefheart number 245

Flock of love

I look at the sky a lot.

The clouds, in particular, are soothing to me since Charles’ suicide. I’m always amazed at how much entertainment is up there.

These birds formed a heart in New Mexico and Katherine caught it with her camera. It made me think of that Hitchcock movie, “The Birds.”

I remember watching the end of that movie with Charles. He didn’t see the whole movie and I remember him asking me a million questions but I couldn’t remember it exactly. He couldn’t believe it because he remembered every scene and every line in a movie … Read more...

Life cut short heart— #griefheart number 215


Charles’ life was sadly cut short, but love remains. And it always will. Just because I lost my child to suicide, doesn’t mean I stopped loving him.

My childhood friend and schoolmate, Leigh, saw this in Dupont Forest a few weeks ago and sent it. Pretty incredible find.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

10 things I learned from Charles
… Read more...

Dragged through the mud – #griefheart number 44

43-dragged-thru-the-mud

It’s been a long time since I’ve made a mud pie. But I made one today. I do feel like I’ve had a grief relapse lately. When I’ve talked to other moms in this “club,” they tell me it’s the result of being close to the death anniversary of June 5. It’s my first so I didn’t know what to expect.

There is some comfort knowing where it’s coming from. It just feels like your heart has been dragged through the mud–sluggish and unmotivated. I just try to remind myself that grieving is healing.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my … Read more...

Waves of Love – #griefheart number 13

#griefheart thoughtful heart

This heart was sent to me by Debbie Morrison. It appeared on the beach, she took the picture and sent it by text today with the message, “Thinking of you.”

It represents the waves of love and outpouring of support I have gotten since Charles died. Support which has been so important to my aching heart. As such, it had to become part of my #griefheart project as that support is part of my grief journey.

It’s my first heart that is nature made.

Thank you Debbie, Alison, Sophia, Kathleen and Laura. I hope you have a grand time at … Read more...

Musical heart – #griefheart number 8

#griefheart Musical heart #8
Musical heart

“I found my place amongst these beats
And my passion with these stanzas.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, 1995-2015

This one is inspired by two songs I thought were lost forever. Charles loved his rap music. He was rarely spotted without those earphones around his neck or earbuds in his ears.

The iPod pictured is one we got for him in 8th grade. He loved it. It held tens of thousands of songs. These are what helped him cope and inspired his writing. You might think of rap music as “bad” but I think without it, Charles would have exited a long … Read more...