Dear people who are tired of me

You must be so bored with all my posts about suicide, addiction and mental illness. Why on earth would I continue to assault you with my tirade of posts, presentations and videos about these awful subjects? Why can’t I just get the hell over it? I mean all this shit is not going to bring back my precious son, right?

I lived this insipid system known as the mental health system. Endured criticism, lack of support and humiliation and shame from the people I expected and paid to help us.  I lost a child because of it.

Most of you … Read more...

Drained heart – #griefheart number 183

So for the last month, I have passed by this “heart” on the sidewalk when I run. Because I am not tied to anything electronic when I run, I have not had the phone to take a picture of it. But today walking the dog, I had it.

It looks like the heart was turned upside down and drained. That is so precisely how I feel some days. I think recent loss of a 15-year-old girl at James River High who died by suicide has left me feeling helpless and defeated. Which means tomorrow I will wake up to fight … Read more...

A story of hope: I never thought I would be alive to see graduation

by Carly Stansfield

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be fighter. Throughout my whole journey I have had to fight day in and day out to find happiness. I have had to fight for the one thing I have always wanted the most, full recovery.

For those who don’t know me, here is my story

I’ve always had insecurities and struggles–the biggest was separation anxiety from my mom.

In elementary school, I remember running to my mom who worked at the school, and clinging to her as my teacher pulled me off. I know now … Read more...

Be the change if you’re not seeing the change you want – #JRW16

Thank you Lisa Mistra for this illustration. Love it! Melissa Scott Sinclair was the moderator, a talented author and writer for Richmond magazine and Style Weekly and I am the presenter on the topic of personal branding.

If you are an aspiring author in Richmond, Virginia, James River Writers is the group for you. Such a gracious, interesting, supportive and engaged group. I thoroughly enjoyed presenting to this group. And that’s saying something since I had been in a serious grief relapse.

The topic was personal branding and social media and I used some examples from this site, annemoss.com. It … Read more...

Hold you in my heart till I hold you in heaven – #griefheart 126

Dear Charles- I rather you were here with me. But you are not. So I have no other choice. You suffered more than I thought you did.  I wish I could have helped.

All those years of worrying about what would happen to you, and your worst enemy was inside you. How can a mother know to protect her son from himself? Suicide is just not something we ever think about, can ever imagine.

Like you said in your song to Cal, “You may have died but I’m keepin’ your memory alive.”

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain … Read more...

From where I do I draw my strength?

pray for the strength to endure life's challengesI have been asked this question several times since Charles’ death. As a result, it’s been on my mind because I know that others not in this club must wonder how we go on.

I have had many near death experiences that I have mentioned before–a broken neck, an attempted rape and murder at knifepoint, a brain tumor, two brain surgeries and a near lightening strike.

I would have thought this would have groomed me for whatever came my way. The truth is it did not prepare me for watching my son self destruct and his ultimate suicide.

At my … Read more...

My alter ego talks to me when I want to give up

push-uphill

Me: Some days I just want to give up. I just feel like I’ll never be heard

Alter Ego: But you are being heard

Me: Why don’t I feel it?

Alter Ego: You can’t really expect that every day you’ll feel it

Me: I feel sure people are so tired of me. Want me to just shut up about it

Alter Ego: Why do you feel that way?

Me: Suicide is a dour subject that people want to tune out

Alter Ego:  And you think you should shut up because of that? 

Me: No

Alter Ego:  What are you expecting Read more...

Relentless

never-give-up

Guilty as charged. Part of my charm.

This one is for those of you who turn away because the subject of suicide  is too much.

You don’t want to read my posts.

You do sometimes with one eye shut.

They make you squirm.

They make you uncomfortable.

They make you sad.

They make you cry.

They are too raw.

You don’t want to be reminded that this awful thing happened to someone.  It’s your worse nightmare and you fear the same might happen to you.

Or you think it couldn’t possibly happen to you. It doesn’t touch your life so … Read more...

To those who need it now, don’t let that pilot light of hope burn out

through all the terror i can find beauty and a glimpse of hope

Suicide is loss of hope.

And certainly after you lose a child by suicide, your sense of hope is hard to find.  What do you do after you lose one of the people that gives your life meaning?

The pain of losing my child by suicide was relentless at first until I just went numb and catatonic. That numbness is your body’s only defense to the onslaught of unbearable agony.

Yet through all that despair, I desperately held onto that tiny shred of hope that was going to keep me alive, keep me moving forward. I held onto it with … Read more...