4 grief phrases that make your journey more painful

griefThese might also apply to a death of a loved one that is not a suicide.

However, my grief experience is with the suicide of my son, Charles so I wrote from that point of view.

quote-leftI will never get over it

A suicide, or any untimely death, is not something you “get over.” It’s a journey that changes over time. You’ll always miss your loved one but you learn to carry them with you. Saying something as dour as “I’ll never get over it” merely brings you down emotionally. It shatters your hope of having a life and finding joy after the untimely death of a loved one. I hate this phrase and refuse to think it.

quote-leftI want to die

I cannot dismiss your feelings. That would be invalidating them. So if is the way you feel, please get help. Please. This is considered a suicidal thought. You are important and you owe it to yourself and your family to find help and to talk about it with someone. I found a suicide support group to be helpful.

quote-leftIt was such and such’s fault

Suicide is so complicated and those who are successful do so for a bunch of reasons combined. Blaming relatives or even drug dealers doesn’t bring you peace or closure. It leaves you bitter and estranged. Do acknowledge those feelings and see if you can come to terms with them with the help of a counselor if you need to.

Staying bitter breeds more bitterness and unhappiness. Forgiveness brings peace and helps you move forward again. Forgiveness does not mean that a person who has done wrong or made errors is absolved of all wrongdoing. It just means that you let go of the resentment and choose to move past it.

quote-leftIt’s my fault

So classic of a death by suicide. We all feel that way. What could we have done differently? You will go to that place whether I tell you to or not.  I did. The coulda, woulda, shoudas are part of the grief suicide journey and are devastating. It’s the knife in your heart with an extra twist. It’s important to learn to move away from it, to let it go as it will only take you down a black hole. I don’t go there often anymore. Not like I did. But that took effort to not sit around and drown in that misery.

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Dear Charles. My letter to heaven

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

4 thoughts on “4 grief phrases that make your journey more painful”

  1. I also wanted to add that our loved ones that committed suicide were very, very, sick. They may have not been diagnosed or known they were sick, but they were. I don’t believe that your husband chose to leave you, Ann, — I believe he was only thinking how he could relieve his pain. In fact, for many, they hold out for a long time because of their loved ones, but sometimes the pain can be too overwhelming. I have a lot of experience dealign with people who are suicidal and that is the main theme over and over again. Their pain was just too much and they could not see another way to escape the pain. Treatment can be very effective, but it takes time – is a lot of trial and error and this just adds to the exasperation the person already feels. I can also speak for myself, as I once contemplated the idea and it was just that, the pain was too much. Please don’t ever feel your loved one chose to leave you. They chose to leave the pain. Hugs to all who have felt any of this. xoxo

  2. Nothing can fill the emptiness when a loved one is gone, but it helps to know that they are at peace and that we will meet again someday. Taking it a day at a time and finding some meaning in our lives each day can help move on. Helping others, like you are doing, Anne, is finding a meaning in life going forward. It is a wonderful way to honor our loved ones and I thank you for your inspiration. xoxo

  3. Grieving a death by suicide is so painful. In some ways, the self blame is natural, especially if you were the last person to be with your loved one. When I lost my wonderful husband of 43 years to suicide, I also felt abandoned or maybe similar to a person whose spouse divorced him/her. My husband CHOSE to leave me, and that thought increased my grief and sadness. I think forgiveness is so necessary to move on with life.

  4. Very true. Living with a loved one’s death by suicide is more shattering and wide spread of a grief than any other, especially if untimely like of your son or daughter. Beating yourself up is a natural response as a parent, even though it’s their choice to have made that tragic decision. Their pain, which led them to suicide, is what breaks our hearts even more.

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