Category: Grief

Let it go

balloon

At some point, you have to ask yourself, what is that baggage doing for me?

To move forward after Charles’ suicide, I had to let things go.

Like anger. Guilt. Shame.

Unlike other suicide loss survivors, I never felt a lot of shame. When we first started seeing signs of drug use, I did feel shame but as I educated myself, I came to realize addiction was an illness.

So I let it go.

I had some flashes of anger after Charles killed himself but I never thought he died by suicide to hurt me. I never felt anger at anyone else either. I didn’t blame anyone or think someone … Read more...

The day after

charles-post

I remember waking up. Then dreading that I woke up and reality hitting me like ice water in the face.

My child is dead. I am the mother of child who killed himself. I actually feel as if I am in someone else’s skin because it feels so foreign and prickly. I just want to slide out of myself and into someone else’s life. Anything but the one I’m in right now.

Randy and I hold each other sobbing. The coulda, woulda, shoudas hitting us hard in the light of day.

How do I tell people my child is dead? How do I plan a funeral?

I need … Read more...

Does losing a child by suicide hurt more?

davidpol_1460561912_Pain_Scale__Arvin61r58

It would be unfair to other moms and dads who have lost a child to say that my “hurt” was worse than theirs.

It hurts to lose a child. Period. No matter how they died. And other experiences never seem “easier” to me when I hear the story.

I also can’t compare because I’ve only had a child die one way and that’s by suicide. And besides that, grief journeys are very personal experiences.

Loss from suicide is like no other loss

That I can say. And it’s not that it hurts more but the intention part makes it very complex. … Read more...

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Thank you to Denise for suggesting a weekly update. I love your feedback and I … Read more...

Grief Glossary. Add your definitions!

Having some fun with grief. And you didn’t think that was possible did you? Those of us in the “club” can relate.grief-sculpture

Grief – The price you pay for having loved someone and lost them

Grief Ambush– When you are minding your own business and wham, grief hits you from behind and takes you down. You didn’t even see it coming. You feel the weight of it in your heart and all your limbs. It sticks around a while before it lifts slowly allowing you to breathe again. “Grief attack” is a synonym

Grief anxiety – Worrying that you’ll … Read more...

Why didn’t I ask, ‘Are you thinking about suicide?’

I wish I had asked charles this question. Why didn’t I?

One, because honestly, it didn’t occur to me to ask it.

Given the number of evaluations he had that indicated he was “high risk” I should have. But again, no one defined what that meant exactly and I am guilty of never asking for specific clarification. Fear of the answer?

If I had the opportunity for a replay how would I ask this question?

I am not a mental health professional and this blog post is a personal reflection on what I wish I had done

• If you

… Read more...

Grief: Going all ‘hallmark’ on you

grief quote

Grief and I have gone from not knowing each other at all to knowing each other well. What I thought it was compared with what it really is, are so far apart, I have to laugh. But then did I really want to know?

I thought it was only about sadness.

But it’s so much more.

The hair loss, hot flashes, memory losses, sleeplessness, shock, numbness, tiredness, daydreaming, memories, helplessness, pain, isolation, fear, heaviness and waves of despair are part of it.

Then there is that craving for just one more something from the one you love — the unfinished business that a suicide … Read more...

Anticipation of the first death anniversary

cal_june5

Me: I don’t know yet which is worse. The anticipation of June 5, Charles’ death anniversary, or the actual day

Alter Ego: I’ve noticed you are sleeping restlessly again and the hot flashes are worse 

Me: And the heaviness in my limbs. It feels like the death anniversary will mean he is farther away from me

Alter Ego:  You’ll have to learn to carry him in your heart

Me: Sometimes I know what that means. Other times I don’t and I feel if I cling to my grief I’m closer to him and he won’t fade away

Alter Ego:  Did you … Read more...

To those who need it now, don’t let that pilot light of hope burn out

through all the terror i can find beauty and a glimpse of hope

Suicide is loss of hope.

And certainly after you lose a child by suicide, your sense of hope is hard to find.  What do you do after you lose one of the people that gives your life meaning?

The pain of losing my child by suicide was relentless at first until I just went numb and catatonic. That numbness is your body’s only defense to the onslaught of unbearable agony.

Yet through all that despair, I desperately held onto that tiny shred of hope that was going to keep me alive, keep me moving forward. I held onto it with everything I had. That awful night, my son and … Read more...

Top 10 posts in the last 6 weeks the emotionally naked blog

to 10 taboo posts

This is from April 16 until May 28. I started the blog at the very end of January.

Here is the list from last time.

These are ranked by the number of visits from Google analytics so it’s basically your top ten.  I added a bonus #11 because although it’s Charles’ work which is important to me.

The one that ranks #1 is the one I thought no one would ever read or want to read. It was so cleansing for me to let go of it and not have it swirl around in my head all the time.

1.

… Read more...

To Charles: Letter to a Fellow Goon – by Jay Skinner

jay-and-charles
Jay Skinner and Charles in the production of Hairspray

I want to laugh
I’ve heard the news
(and I heard it was you)
So I’m waiting for the punchline

I’m stifling certain giggles until the curtain drops
and we take one last bow together;
Cracking on the lines we jumbled,
the cues we missed
(I’ve got a feeling there’s a big one I should have seen)

You are Charles
(I chew the name like bubblegum; sweet)
but life isn’t a stage, or even an act
You are no one’s son
no one’s brother
no one’s shadow

You are not adjectives, … Read more...

Grief: Finding joy where I can, when I can

Totally embarrassing video below

When Richard, oldest son, was here for the Richmond Film Festival early in March, we got some time to spend together. (His film Cottonmouth got in the festival.)

One day I took him and his roommate out to lunch. While we sat there eating, Richard said, “Hey Mom, do you want to go to the screenings with us this afternoon?” I said,”Yes I can. No plans!”

Whatever plans I had, poof, they were gone. Fortunately I had taken the day off and cannot even remember what my plans might have been.

In the car before we … Read more...

The final 48 hours

Strong emotional content and suicide method referenced. If you are in crisis, text “help” to 741-741 or call 988

This is one of the last photos of Charles before he died
This is one of the last photos of Charles before he died

Charles, who suffered from anxiety and depression and ultimately addiction had been from detox to rehab to a sober house. After rehab he looked great. I call this “Saturday Charles.” He then went to the sober house but relapsed the next morning by walking downtown and buying heroin. We can only imagine he got money from his room at home on the way to the recovery house. The policy … Read more...

My alter ego talks me through my first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego:  It’s Mother’s Day today. Your first

Me: Now that’s a new definition of the first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego: It’s the first since his suicide

Me: I just want to die

Alter Ego: Really? 

Me: No, not really. I planned the birthday and death anniversary but there so many occasions. I just failed to plan for this one. 

Alter Ego: What would you have done? 

Me: Planned a surgery that lasted all day 

Alter Ego:  Well you don’t need surgery

Me: No. I just need the anesthesia

Alter Ego:  It’s just one day

Me: I know, I know. … Read more...

Men get little support in grief

men-grieve
Visual from the Good Men Project. Click the picture to go to the page.

I was recently talking with a Dad who lost his son. He mentioned that his best friend was often by his side but never openly spoke about the death of his son, leaving him no real options for talking about the devastating loss other than his wife and the occasional chance meetings with someone like me.

I talked with him about the fact that for the most part, men do not get the support that women do. About the fact that as awkward as the subject is to most people, … Read more...