Category: Grief

My heart was hacked

map2000This website was hacked. I know many of you noticed because I got so many, “Where is it?” messages.

What I didn’t expect was how devastated and out of sorts I would be. I didn’t realize how attached I was to the village I have cultivated here.

I missed writing. I missed your commentary. And it was only down 38 hours but it felt like a month.

It was then I realized this is my baby.

As you guys know, I post something every day. The attack felt so personal, I literally felt like I was losing my child all … Read more...

Dear friend

mickey-minnie-charles-disney-2008

The last time I saw you, my son was alive. My son Charles grew up with yours. Yet when we ran into each other, you didn’t mention his name. In fact, you looked like you were afraid of me. I think if you had had enough warning, you would have avoided me all together.

When I lost my son, I did not erase him from my family tree. Nor did I erase him from my memory. But when I run into people who say nothing, it makes me feel like my child never counted for anything.

You worry that you’ll … Read more...

The holidays hurt

christmas_png3774

As early as August, Walmart was stocking the garden shelves with Christmas decor. I wanted to lodge a complaint. Those decorations were a threat and I felt offended.

Must they assault me with holiday tacky in August?

I couldn’t even find the garden clippers which end up being outside buried next to the fertilizer. But I could find a singing santa! That should help with fall gardening.

Like a tsunami, they’re coming whether I like it or not

And I can’t stop them. Can’t get a year off either.

I’d like to skip those two months and the pain of losing Charles by suicide that … Read more...

My brain on grief unless I write

hamster-wheel

It is emotionally draining to write some of these posts. I do revisit the emotions of losing my son to suicide all over again which hurts like the devil.

The truth is the stories run round and round in my head like a hamster wheel. When I am stubborn and refuse to write about it, my thoughts stalk me until I let it out.

Stuffing the grief makes it worse–makes me feel like I’m stuck in quicksand.

I have from 10-20 unfinished entries in the back end of this website at any given time. Brain dumps some of them. Many of them hardly worthy … Read more...

5 things to help you find hope after tragedy

How do you get the worst news of your life and move forward? How do you weather a tragedy that alters your life so much you can’t see how you can survive? How do you find the strength to enjoy life after that? Will you ever laugh again?

At first, you are in shock, moving through a fog. It’s hard to put anything in order and you feel lost and in disbelief. But once you come out of the fog, you need to find your way and you have to fight for it. Because we only have one life and I want … Read more...

Scamming bereaved parents

scam-alert

The lowest form of life is a scammer that scams parents who’ve just lost a child. These are the ones that Richmond, VA moms including me have experienced.

My advice is that if you have a friend that has lost a child, step in and help where you can because it’s unlikely parents are thinking straight.

1. Holding your child’s body hostage

Never having lost a child, or anyone really, I had no idea how to choose a cremation home. I asked a friend who had been through a death recently, and I couldn’t remember the whole name, only the first letter … Read more...

The letter from heaven I wish I would get

Dear Mom,

heavensentI bet you are surprised to get this letter from me. I tried sending a dove to carry it but they are not as cooperative as you might think.

Guess what? I met John Belushi and Tupac, the rap artist. Tupac and I have been freestyling together. I am much better than he is by far. Belushi is as funny as you said he was.

I am sorry I made the exit I did. But you have my music which I hope helps you understand why I had to kill myself. In that moment, the depression and withdrawal … Read more...

Talking to the air

talking-to-the-air

Other moms and dads who’ve lost a child know what I mean.

That precious being that gave our life meaning is gone. And now we do things like talk to them out loud. In the car. In our homes. While walking the dog. And sometimes in the grocery store.

We ask our child questions. We ask them to watch over their friends. We ask them for strength to deal with not having them there. We tell them how much we miss them and have bat-sh*t crazy one-way discussions on things we’re trying to figure out.

We ask for a sign that they are out … Read more...

Don’t talk me out of my tears

tears

I am a grieving mother. Even though it’s been over a year, I have moments of sadness when I want, need, to cry. Not a wail fest followed by a flood of tears. Just a tearful moment.

I don’t always need to be distracted, or talked out of my tears. I need to release them, have you understand and just let me talk about my son for a minute.

Tears aren’t a contagious disease or a sign of weakness but a testament that I loved someone that I lost. It means I am trusting you enough to let you see that side of me … Read more...

What I miss most about Charles

charles aubrey rogers

I miss that beautiful curly hair and his sense of humor. I miss his tall, skinny hugs and the way he altered his voice when he greeted his dog, Andy, and the dog’s reaction of pure joy. I miss the way he smiled with his eyes.

I miss the conversations we had in my office. Those days he’d come in after school, sit in his Dad’s chair and talk. He would tell me the stories that touched his heart.

To Charles, everybody mattered.

Their stories mattered and he was never too busy to listen and connect. As smart and talented as he was, this … Read more...

From where I do I draw my strength?

I have been asked this question several times since Charles’ death. And I know that others not in this club must wonder how we go on.

I have had many near-death experiences –a broken neck, an attempted rape and murder at knifepoint, a brain tumor, two brain surgeries, and a near lightning strike.

I would have thought this would have groomed me for whatever came my way. The truth is it did not prepare me for watching my son self-destruct and his ultimate suicide. It did build my resilience and I was able to utilize those tools after his death.

At my … Read more...

Why saying ‘he’s in a better place’ can be a dangerous phrase

grief, in a better place

I made a pledge when Charles died by suicide not to nitpick what people said to me after his death. After all, it is so hard to know what to say. I was overjoyed if someone said anything at all.

To be honest, the worst thing you can say is nothing at all. So don’t fret if you have used the “better place” expression.

Here is my issue with it

When we say “better place” we could potentially be glorifying heaven as a destination. Basically you could be promoting an early exit since you are implying the place after death is “better” than … Read more...

A letter I wrote Charles in 1999 that was opened in 2010

o1LPlTH

On the eve of the millennium, I wrote both my children a letter that I ended up giving to them on their 16th birthday. 

Charles kept his letter and the creases and letter were well worn which indicated he had opened it and read it often in the 4 years before he died at 20. 

After his suicide, we got his backpack back and in it he had every single card or letter I had written him while he was away at boarding school, every family picture he could find and have printed out– and this letter.  

I don’t know … Read more...

My alter ego talks to me when I want to give up

push-uphill

Me: Some days I just want to give up. I just feel like I’ll never be heard

Alter Ego: But you are being heard

Me: Why don’t I feel it?

Alter Ego: You can’t really expect that every day you’ll feel it

Me: I feel sure people are so tired of me. Want me to just shut up about it

Alter Ego: Why do you feel that way?

Me: Suicide is a dour subject that people want to tune out

Alter Ego:  And you think you should shut up because of that? 

Me: No

Alter Ego:  What are you expecting … Read more...

Worthless

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” –Robert Schuller

There are times during this grief journey that I feel small and worthless. I don’t normally suffer from lack of self esteem so the intensity of this feeling is foreign to me.

Not that I have never felt this way. Everybody does at some point. But since Charles’ suicide, it has, at times, been paralyzing and more persistent.

My normally tough exoskeleton is soft and pliable during these episodes that I can only assume are triggered by the vulnerability of grief. I have moments when I think if I screamed … Read more...