The holidays hurt

christmas_png3774As early as August, Walmart was stocking the garden shelves with Christmas decor. I wanted to lodge a complaint. Those decorations were a threat and I felt offended.

Must they assault me with holiday tacky in August?

I couldn’t even find the garden clippers which end up being outside buried next to the fertilizer. But I could find a singing santa! That should help with fall gardening.

Like a tsunami, they’re coming whether I like it or not

And I can’t stop them. Can’t get a year off either.

I’d like to skip those two months and the pain of losing Charles by suicide that goes with them. After Christmas, come the two dreariest months of the year, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Worst of all, will I be able to endure people avoiding the topic of my son at the time of year I need to talk about him the most? It always makes me feel like he’s been erased. Yet it’s the time of year when everyone is the most averse to my grief. I have to work hard at not resenting that.

It’s not top of mind for everyone else and I know it shouldn’t be.

It’s only my second Christmas since Charles’ death

I had fantasies I wouldn’t feel as much dread this year. When I think about pulling out those ornaments,  I’d rather light myself on fire.

I love the part where family gets together. But the endless “shopping days” leading up to it are days to be endured.

I think the problem is I don’t yet know where to put all the love I have for the one I lost. I have to have faith that one day I will. I’m just not there yet.

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

5 thoughts on “The holidays hurt”

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I really do. Our first Christmas doesn’t count, because he had died 5 days before -so we were the walking dead. And our second real Christmas was last year. I felt numb. The first year I felt so much pain. Last year I was just going through motions and I wore the “face that I keep in a jar by the door”. So as I ready myself for our third anniversary and our fourth Christmas 5 days later, I feel your loneliness. It is so lonely. At least, at these Christmases, we do not have to unwrap all the presents under the tree that I had bought and wrapped for Whitten. That was an outer body experience. We asked ourselves “Is this really happening? Surely he will come home soon…” Love you Anne.

    1. Wow Gray. That really puts a new spin on the holiday. And it is so lonely. Like there is all this noise and you are just disappearing in the crowd. That’s how it often feels.

  2. “I think the problem is I don’t yet know where to put all the love I have for the one I lost.”
    I never thought of it that way but I understand what you mean. It feels stuck with no where to go. This will be our 3rd year without Daniel.

    ~*teri

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