I am a grieving mother. Even though it’s been over a year, I have moments of sadness when I want, need, to cry. Not a wail fest followed by a flood of tears. Just a tearful moment.
I don’t always need to be distracted, or talked out of my tears. I need to release them, have you understand and just let me talk about my son for a minute.
Tears aren’t a contagious disease or a sign of weakness but a testament that I loved someone that I lost. It means I am trusting you enough to let you see that side of me without shame. Otherwise I would just leave and go hide in the car and cry alone. Grief is isolating enough. A death by suicide so stigmatizing and so full of self blame.
So when you say, “What can I do to help?” I just want you to listen for a skinny minute. Allow me my moment of suffering. Because I can’t bounce back if I don’t let it out.
Tears mean I am strong enough to acknowledge hurt and let grief happen instead of stuffing the emotion deep inside of me.
Crying is OK.
I do have support groups and friends to go to in the event it’s a full out grief relapse. Those of you in the club know what I mean. We are not afraid of each other’s tears.
Getting used to living without the child I raised is a difficult journey and I am learning to incorporate grief into my life. It will change but it will always be part of my life. And if you are a friend of mine, you can’t let it scare you. It’s healthy and sometimes I need the compassion of real live human beings.
Please don’t be afraid of tears.
For the last few years since Rob died, I’ve felt totally numb about it most of the time. It’s only in the last few months that I’ve been starting to try and let my emotions out. I’ve had some people try to cheer me up when I needed to cry. Others have told me on social media that I should stop “wallowing in self-pity” and move forward. I’ve decided that I’m going to let my tears fall if I need to. If it makes others uncomfortable, that’s their problem. We need to get rid of the stigma around suicide and let us cry if we need to. Hopefully, someday, there won’t be as many of us having to cry over losing our loved ones to suicide. Let’s erase the stigma of talking about suicide. Maybe if we do that, people won’t be afraid to talk about it, and will get the help they need. My husband (and also my brother) didn’t get the help they needed. Rob tried but wasn’t successful. My brother never tried. I miss Rob so much! My brother and I had a very complicated relationship. He could be very verbally abusive at times, but I never wanted him to take his life, only get help. Sorry for my long rant.
It’s not at all a rant. I love what you said. It’s so true. This is awesome, ” If it makes others uncomfortable, that’s their problem.” You go girl. I love that you’ve decided to empower yourself and allow you to have those tears.
Hugs to you Anne. I know it’s more than one…..soon to be 4. I can’t imagine what that will even be like. I’m so sorry and thinking of you daily now because of the upcoming date.
1 year, 4, 5…..10. I believe there will always be tears.
I don’t apologize even now. Thanks to your writings and those of others… I refuse to be ashamed of my tears.
I still cry, although sometimes briefly… Every day. Occasionally when the waves come crashing back I wail. . But that is usually by myself. Not because I’m ashamed but I only feel free enough to let the really bad stuff out when I am alone.
Thank you for your compassion and guidance in this hard journey.
It’s four for me. And I cried today and yesterday. The bursts are shorter.
When I lost my son, everyone tried to talk me out of my tears. Thank you!
This is a year late replying Wilhemina. I’m sorry I didn’t reply before. Thank you for your comment
It’s ONLY been just over a year….
Tears are all part of the process of grieving…you need to grieve so you can move through all the stages of loss..you dont want to get ‘stuck’ in depression or anger..hugs to all you mom’s who have lost their children to this awful disease..by continuing to keep it on the forefront of everyone’s minds we all need to keep fighting this battle until we have won!
I agree wholeheartedly with what you just expressed Anne Moss–Thank you for sharing–This new way of life is a tough journey and people shouldn’t shy away when our voice starts to crack or a tear slips from our eyes. And yes, I want to talk about my Charliejohn as you want to speak about Charles–they existed and will forever be in our hearts and thoughts— I always say people have to walk a mile in one’s moccasins before they can understand or judge–I never thought I could experience such pain, loneliness or abject sorrow–your posts are helpful to me –again thanks