Category: Grief

Dear Cain,

cain hand

You were a friend of Charles’ and he was supposed to be in your wedding. But he died by suicide before your big day. It seems like just yesterday that you announced it to me standing in our kitchen in Midlothian. Judea is as amazing as you told me she was. Charles thought so, too.

You told me late last year that you were not always the best influence on Charles. That broke my heart. I could tell that you, like many of us, struggled with guilt after his suicide. You and Charles found each other when you were both struggling. I worried about … Read more...

Grieving Season

grief

So I’m headed into my grieving season.

Last year I was prepared for the death anniversary. But not for Charles’ birthday April 26, Mother’s day in May, Father’s Day in June, then the death anniversary June 5 and then my own birthday June 18.

The stretch was pretty brutal last year. I’m not going to underestimate it this year. I didn’t think of all those special days and what to do for those.

The trick is to make plans. Do something to celebrate life. His life. And mine. I’m not trying to avoid grief simply trying to prepare for it. … Read more...

Smash-a-thon

I have dreamt of renting a racquetball court, putting on safety glasses, and having a big stack of dishes. My friend Tamara, me, Laurie, Scott, Reid, Roz, Henry, Jenny, Pat, Cathy, Shirley, Joanna, and many of you regulars here would be lined up, ready to take a turn. We’d put all the power of our grief behind the effort. And it would be a fundraiser and the video would go viral.

The game is we put on our safety glasses, get behind a wall and smash and slam those damn dishes on the far wall until we are all exhausted. Laughing and crying while … Read more...

Dear Charles from Julie

I know you will never receive this but I hope you see this from heaven. Your loss has impacted me tremendously.

I’m sitting here crying because I once too, actually numerous times, thought about and tried to take my life. But I never thoroughly thought of all of the aftermath, or the pain it would have brought upon everyone who loves you.

I remember when we were just in middle school. You were one of my best friends including Jacob, Sam, Lexi, Vania, and Samantha.

We went to the movies and I remember you stood up for us when another … Read more...

Do men love their children less?

At my Families Anonymous group, I saw just as many men as women cry over the addiction of a child.  I felt honored the men in this group felt it “safe” enough to allow themselves to express themselves emotionally.

Because grief is the result of losing someone you love, men would have to love their children less to feel less grief. I believe dads love their children just as much as moms do. I know my husband hurts as much from the loss of our son by suicide as I do.

Yet often we think of men as “stronger” which therefore must … Read more...

The ache of pictures

I have avoided them. Circled them. Refused to dive in since going through them for the memorial service.

Those boxes and books of memories are full of a life cut short. Full of Charles’ life. His beautiful baby pictures with his huge brown eyes.

Sombreros, shark costumes, silly poses, Santa pictures, family pictures, smiles and some of the ones that caught his later episodes of depression. So hard to see a child with such light have a soul eclipsed with such darkness.

I dove in. A local filmmaker is doing a piece on suicide and wanted our story. And pictures of Charles.… Read more...

The Emotional ICU known as grief

From Anne Moss. Logan suffered from anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and an eating disorder and died in a truck crash.

By Tamara Rollinson

Grief hits you on many levels. Loss of a job. Loss of a marriage. Death of your parents, friends and loved ones. Death is final. No turning back.

Done. Forever in this life time.

There is absolutely no comparison to the death of your child. The death of a spouse, sibling or parent, while earth shattering and sad, does not come close.

As much as I loved my Mom, her death pales in comparison to my son … Read more...

Spotlight hog?

There is one thing about this blog I’ve struggled with. Am I being selfish by sharing all that I do? Am I being a spotlight hog?

As a child I was often admonished for “wanting attention.” I was told, “the world doesn’t revolve around you,” shaming me into a world of feminine propriety to keep things to myself.

I have finally come to a conclusion.

I talk, I write because I want to hear from others about their journey and I am healing emotionally as a result of being able to help others. I’ve always wanted to take inventory of how … Read more...

The secret door

You can’t understand real joy unless you have experienced real pain.

You can’t find joy without compassion for others.

Tragedy brings with it all kinds of struggles and sadness. But it also presents opportunity and a deeper, more meaningful appreciation of joy.

The secret door is a special gift for those of us who’ve experienced an unimaginable loss or tragedy. It’s wisdom and insight.

It was fuzzy at first and came into focus as the months passed after the loss of my son by suicide.  I now see things that I didn’t see before with such beauty and clarity.

The trick to finding the secret door is, … Read more...

Ugly, naked grief

The grief that comes from having lost a child, comes from deep within and turns you inside out. The sound of a soul in agony is raw and gut wrenching. Nothing I have ever experienced is more humbling or leaves me feeling more helpless.

I often feel like my grief is so ugly, I should feel guilty for exposing anyone to it. There is this strong instinct to hide it. I don’t. Obviously. If I do, it snaps back like a rubber band.

Sometimes I need to let it out but I am afraid if I don’t keep it to myself and suffer alone, I’ll be … Read more...

Carrying him in my heart

I find myself adopting traits that Charles had.

Ones I did not possess before his death, I now have. Like they were somehow passed on to me.

I am able to spot a fake a mile away. I can tell, like he could, when someone is suffering inside even if they are smiling on the outside. I can see something written on social media that everyone else takes one way and know immediately that person is either in trouble and needs help or just needs someone to reach out.

Like my son that died by suicide, I’ve always been passionate … Read more...

Hopes and Dreams

movie-theater-charles

On June 5, 2015, my son died by suicide. With him, all the hopes and dreams I had of who he would become evaporated in an instant.

Your kids are your life. And when one of them is taken away, part of your life goes with him. Part of my soul died that day and my grief journey meant finding new hopes and dreams, all while mourning the loss of the ones that would never come true.

Charles had “it.” He wanted to be famous. Wanted his music to be famous. And he had all the ingredients although I don’t think he had the … Read more...

Living with grief. It’s not all sad.

grief2

Sometimes grief sits beside me and I wonder why, at that particular time, it’s not crushing my heart. Those are the days it just glides at my side.

Sometimes it sits on my chest, invades my limbs and sucks my motivation. Those are the days it weighs me down.

Sometimes it slaps me in the face and throws me in a dark hole.

Sometimes it makes my heart swell up and feel like it’s going to burst.

Sometimes grief leaves me on the verge of tears and I feel on edge.

Sometimes it brings me a memory that makes me smile.

Sometimes it takes a … Read more...

Wish list

lamp

I wish I could have one more hug.

I wish I had known that phone call was my last.

I wish Charles had not died by suicide.

I wish my dreams of his future had not been shattered.

I wish I was not staring at an empty seat at our holiday table.

I wish I had a my own dream of Jeanie.

But I am thankful, too.

Thankful I stayed home with my children and I have those memories.

Thankful that I have the love and support that I do.

Thankful Charles was part of my life.

Thankful for what the experience has taught me.

Thankful … Read more...

Grief: How relationships with friends have changed

friendship-after-a-loss

A friend and I had a conversation just recently. And we talked about how things have changed with my friends. For one thing, having lost a child doesn’t exactly put you at the top of an invite list for social events.

Once I noticed this, I made the decision not to be bitter but to host more events on my own and reach out more. Start my own party so to speak.

But why was I still feeling left out?

My friend said something interesting in our conversation, “We haven’t changed how we’ve treated you.” And in general, that’s true.

Except for … Read more...