And on the occasion of his fourth death anniversary, I wanted to start with that. He died by suicide June 5, 2015, the worst day of my life. By comparison even a death anniversary will never feel as awful and unbearable as that day. And for that, I am grateful.
There are times I feel like giving up. Not on life but this cause. And then I ask myself, “So what else do you want to do?” There really isn’t anything else I want to do. By next year I need … Read more...
So what was year three like compared to the previous ones? I will say that the loss has softened some. The edges of my grief are not as jagged and it’s more of a dull ache.
Cries are most often softer compared to the violent break downs, screaming at windows and fist pounding that characterized my initial grief. The ugly, raw, new grief. Now it just sort of settles over me like a lazy dark cloud.
Not long ago, I had lunch with Jacob, one of Charles’ close friends and someone with whom he grew up with. He asked if we were going to have a get together like we had a couple of years ago. I asked if he thought people would be able to come. And they were.
So today, I concentrated on getting food made and preparing to have everyone over. It gave me a goal I was really looking forward to. A lot of them were able to come. We ate dinner, ate homemade ice cream, and walked around the neighborhood.
In the mean time, I’m simply sluggish, tired, and unmotivated lately. I wondered if I was getting sick then I realized, “Oh, it’s the grief.” That undercurrent of heaviness, the desire to just sit with his pictures. Everything takes more effort.
I have learned to live with it. The grief. It took a long time to learn that it was not just going to go away. I have come to expect it. And sometimes even appreciate it. How it forces me to slow down and take time … Read more...
We decided to spend time with family for the second grief anniversary since Charles’ death by suicide June 5, 2015. I have found that having plans is crucial to surviving these significant dates: birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays.
My inlaws drove up from Georgia and we drove down from Virginia to meet in Winston Salem to see my oldest son Richard (where he currently lives) before he moves to LA on July 1, 2017.… Read more...
Last year I was prepared for the death anniversary. But not for Charles’ birthday April 26, Mother’s day in May, Father’s Day in June, then the death anniversary June 5 and then my own birthday June 18.
The stretch was pretty brutal last year. I’m not going to underestimate it this year. I didn’t think of all those special days and what to do for those.
The trick is to make plans. Do something to celebrate life. His life. And mine. I’m not trying to avoid grief simply trying to prepare for it. … Read more...