The grief that comes from having lost a child, comes from deep within and turns you inside out. The sound of a soul in agony is raw and gut wrenching. Nothing I have ever experienced is more humbling or leaves me feeling more helpless.
I often feel like my grief is so ugly, I should feel guilty for exposing anyone to it. There is this strong instinct to hide it. I don’t. Obviously. If I do, it snaps back like a rubber band.
Sometimes I need to let it out but I am afraid if I don’t keep it to myself and suffer alone, I’ll be pushed away.
Sometimes I have wanted to yell, “Pardon me for having interrupted your lovely life and beautiful family with my tragedy!” Then I feel shame.
It took me a while to realize that this feeling is not the result of resenting that others get to keep their children. It’s helpless anger.
And that anger is like the love that I still have for my child, it has nowhere to land.