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Carrying him in my heart

I find myself adopting traits that Charles had.

Ones I did not possess before his death, I now have. Like they were somehow passed on to me.

I am able to spot a fake a mile away. I can tell, like he could, when someone is suffering inside even if they are smiling on the outside. I can see something written on social media that everyone else takes one way and know immediately that person is either in trouble and needs help or just needs someone to reach out.

Like my son that died by suicide, I’ve always been passionate but now I’m driven by it. I have always been intuitive but now I’m hyper intuitive. I’ve always written but now I can’t live without writing. My soul is not satisfied unless I reach out and give back.

Were we that much alike before? I don’t remember me back then, my former self. But I know she didn’t see the things I see now. Why not? Why couldn’t I have these lenses before he died. Was that because I wouldn’t let it? Wasn’t capable? Not mindful enough?

It’s like there was a glass wall I could not penetrate and now I can walk right through it.

I must have looked so clueless to him. He could see on this other side and I couldn’t yet and he must have wondered why.

There is no one like Charles. And I am not Charles. But maybe by embracing these changes in myself I have arrived at a new dimension in my grief journey that signifies emotional healing.

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Dear high and mighty parent

 

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

3 thoughts on “Carrying him in my heart”

  1. ❤️ I love that you have that intuitiveness in hyper form now. What a blessing it is to many. But it can burn you out too, if you are not exercising good self care. Just watch out for that as you give so much to so many…

  2. I feel and exactly the same way. I cant forgive myself for not seeing what now obvious 😭. But also think that God lead us through these trials to make us aware of the great need of compassion in this world. My Joel died exactly a year ago and I still cant find it to be real. But through this sad and painful experience I have become very close to a lot of his friends that need to know they can make it and they can make the difference too. Thank you for your articles Anne Moss 🌹💙

  3. I feel like I really do not deserve to comment as I have not experienced the pain of such a loss as you have…

    …but as you write of sensing pain in others, I surely feel that in your writing…and the regret of not being more aware of Charles’s suffering.

    My own pain right now is the pain of not being able to express my belief that Charles has no regret….he knows …and knew….of your love and concern for him.

    I say a prayer that you can let the regret go, we cannot see what we cannot see.

    I love reading about the new gifts you have received from Charles.

    My own pain of losing loved ones is part of my remembrance of them…I cherish it.

    …in prayer that we can all give ourselves a bit of the forgiveness we extend to others…

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