I miss that beautiful curly hair and his sense of humor. I miss his tall, skinny hugs and the way he altered his voice when he greeted his dog, Andy, and the dog’s reaction of pure joy. I miss the way he smiled with his eyes.
I miss the conversations we had in my office. Those days he’d come in after school, sit in his Dad’s chair and talk. He would tell me the stories that touched his heart.
To Charles, everybody mattered.
Their stories mattered and he was never too busy to listen and connect. As smart and talented as he was, this was Charles’ greatest gift and it’s what I miss the most. Charles kept up with people, a trait that is so much like my Dad who has never wanted anyone to feel abandoned or left out.
When my kids were teens I expected to hear, “I hate you,” at some point. Charles said it once to me. Only once. And he suffered from it far more than I did.
I have read in his music how many times he regretted saying that phrase that one time. It ate him up. He hugged me and said he was sorry later while he sobbed.
The light of our lives, the spark that lit the flame of fun is gone from us. His creative genius, soulful nature, complex problems, his heartfelt hugs and his utter lack of any practical sense whatsoever– all part of his charm. All of his made-up rules, made-up board games, stage presence, knack of holding an audience in his hands, his gift for rapping freestyle, his endearing and genuine charm, his sweet boyish face and uniqueness. Gone.
His suicide was the result of a perfect storm. An opiate epidemic combined with a pathetic lack of mental health resources and a stigma that drove him to hide his illnesses.
Charles was a casualty of a broken system where we’ll throw billions at a mosquito virus that has killed one before funding an epidemic that has been raging for 3 years and has killed at least 165k people in the US since 1999.
Our lives were often a living hell the last 5 years of his life– chaos caused by inconsistent treatment for anxiety, drug abuse, depression and stubbornness, all made worse by his ultimate addiction to heroin the last 5 months of his life.
While heroin sucked the life out of my child, there were moments the “real Charles” was with us.
After his death, my son inspires me to reach out to others, speak out and make a difference. Many times I’m not even sure why I write what I do but I have learned to go with my gut. I’ve never been impulsive but he left some of his own with me.
There is nothing that can replace that craving in your heart to have your child in your arms again.
It just takes one agonizing day at a time.
I stumbled on your website by googling “how to hang yourself” I wasnt expecting a tutorial but it led me to here
I have to admit my mind and heart is in a very dark state of mind.
Some days are easier than others.
Sometimes im distracted from suicide and then a day can have all kinds of wrongs and I just think about it again.
Your son pain is inspiring. I cant fathom how you must feel as a mother and there are not enough comfort words that can erase the pain or make you feel whole again
I commend you for your transparency
I think if people were more transparent and more compassionate there would be less people emotionally hurting
Everytime I think of suicide I come to this site and re read your story.
It seems to help me at the moment
Even though you may have lost your son, just know you are probably able to save someone else’s
Thankyou for sharing your story and stay strong
What a lovely thing to say to a mom who lost her child. And I am so sorry you find yourself in such darkness right now. Just know that I will always answer because sometimes a person who is hurting just wants to be heard. And I hear you.
Anne, I just finished your book. I could not put it down. I am a school nurse and have dealt with several suicide situations. My own children have lost 5 friends to suicide and in my senior year of high school I saw three classmates die from suicide.
You did such a good job in showing the tangled mess of opioid addiction, mental illness, and a lack of treatment facilities as well as highlighting the shame and denial that families experience. Thank you for your book. I have benefitted from your story and will share it with others in my community!!
Thank you so much for those comments, Jennifer. I screenshot and save and savor these. I really appreciate your words. Can you leave a review on
GoodReads https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/48335953-diary-of-a-broken-mind?from_search=true
and if you have time, leave one on Amazon, too.
Amazon: https://amzn.to/2pw5id8
It can be exactly what you wrote here. Thank you so much.
Ann, your story sounds so much like my story. My son died of an opiate overdose December 2015. He was my only child, he was 40 years old, successful in his job, very into fitness and healthy eating, but hiding a drug habit he wanted no one to know of. I was utterly devastated the day I got a call from his job so he hadn’t shown up for two days. My husband arrived at his home first and found him looking very peaceful in his bed, there was drug paraphernalia on his floor and in his nightstand it was the beginning of another nightmare. My son had died of an opiate overdose and nobody even knew he had a drug problem. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain because it does help.
Oh my gosh that had to be a huge shock. Charles lived under our roof for 5 months with a heroin addiction and I didn’t know. It does help to hurt together. No one understands what it’s like to lose a child to a stigmatized death. Overdose and suicide would check that box.
My younger sister, also adopted, was a heroine addict for several years. She attempted suicide twice – once a month after I left for college and once a month before I graduated. Although she’s still with us, it could have so easily gone the other way. Things are calmer now. She’s almost 40 and a mom of two, clean.
Anne Moss thanks for sharing. You’re bleeding heart is evident and I am always sending lots of love and support. You’re an amazing and brilliant woman with lots of love to share. As always very sorry that this is your journey but you give back with Grace.