The letter from heaven I wish I would get

Dear Mom,

heavensentI bet you are surprised to get this letter from me. I tried sending a dove to carry it but they are not as cooperative as you might think.

Guess what? I met John Belushi and Tupac, the rap artist. Tupac and I have been freestyling together. I am much better than he is by far. Belushi is as funny as you said he was.

I am sorry I made the exit I did. But you have my music which I hope helps you understand why I had to kill myself. In that moment, the depression and withdrawal from heroin were so bad I just couldn’t see any other way out.

I don’t blame you and dad. Remember that, OK?

I want more than anything for you to enjoy life despite what happened. I see you struggling but I want you to know I am OK. I miss making you laugh, throwing Andy the ball, hanging out at the river with my friends.  I miss family.

I don’t miss emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn or having to clean the toilet. That’s one thing about checking out. No chores. There is also a ton of candy here and I can eat all I want and get no cavities. It’s heaven. (That’s a little joke for you.)

I will watch over my cousins, Andy and Richard and my friends who are still struggling. And even the ones that are not. A shout out to all of them. If they get in trouble, I’ll visit them in their dreams and freak them out. My favorite thing to do.

This angel spirit thing is still new to me so I’m not as good at visiting or leaving clues yet. Watch out when I do get good at it.

Have you been getting my hugs? And I did hug you the day I left the earth. You were right about that.

Remember when I used to send letters from camp telling you how much I hated it? I don’t feel that here. The food is decent, I have 3 dogs and a ferret and I am able to sleep!  I do wish now I had made another choice and stayed with you but I didn’t and I just want you to know that I am rapping with the angels.

Love, Charles

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Dear Charles. My letter to heaven

 

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

2 thoughts on “The letter from heaven I wish I would get”

  1. This is wonderful, Anne Moss. I smiled all the way through it. I also pictured you alternately crying and laughing out loud as you wrote it. Peace and love to you…

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