The letter from heaven I wish I would get

Dear Mom,

heavensentI bet you are surprised to get this letter from me. I tried sending a dove to carry it but they are not as cooperative as you might think.

Guess what? I met John Belushi and Tupac, the rap artist. Tupac and I have been freestyling together. I am much better than he is by far. Belushi is as funny as you said he was.

I am sorry I made the exit I did. But you have my music which I hope helps you understand why I had to kill myself. In that moment, the depression and withdrawal … Read more...

Hold you in my heart till I hold you in heaven – #griefheart 126

Dear Charles- I rather you were here with me. But you are not. So I have no other choice. You suffered more than I thought you did.  I wish I could have helped.

All those years of worrying about what would happen to you, and your worst enemy was inside you. How can a mother know to protect her son from himself? Suicide is just not something we ever think about, can ever imagine.

Like you said in your song to Cal, “You may have died but I’m keepin’ your memory alive.”

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain … Read more...

Grief. Is there a heaven?

I want to believe it without reservation. I do.

And I know most of you do. You’ll tell me there is and all I have to do is believe. However, I am a skeptic. I think there is something out there. But I often have doubts.

I do think it is something very different from what we think it is. A different kind of existence all together. Not a bad existence just not what we think.

I have a lot riding on this belief

Since Charles died, I really want to believe 100%.

Let’s say there is a heaven.  Would … Read more...

Dear Charles. My letter to heaven

man-of-steel
Charles was wearing these shoes when he died. Ironic even in death

I bet I am not the first mom to write their child in heaven. But this is my first letter to you since you died. I hope you get it because I am not sure how to have something sent to heaven.

It’s been about 8 months since you left us and I miss you. All the time. Every day. And I always will. There are days I wake up and the realization that you are gone just hits me like a freight train in my heart.

I am … Read more...

A hug from heaven?

randy-charles-FFS
Last night I had an unusual experience. I woke up from a series of short scary dreams. Not necessarily nightmares but the sort of stories Charles used to tell to spook me. When I woke up, I was verbally talking, telling Charles to quit pranking me because the dreams were messing up my sleep.

I was lying on my left side. Then I get this odd but pleasant tingly feeling all over and feel gentle pressure everywhere on my body like I’m being wrapped up in something warm and cozy.Truthfully it was the most surreal experience I have ever had.… Read more...