Me: I don’t know yet which is worse. The anticipation of June 5, Charles’ death anniversary, or the actual day
Alter Ego: I’ve noticed you are sleeping restlessly again and the hot flashes are worse
Me: And the heaviness in my limbs. It feels like the death anniversary will mean he is farther away from me
Alter Ego: You’ll have to learn to carry him in your heart
Me: Sometimes I know what that means. Other times I don’t and I feel if I cling to my grief I’m closer to him and he won’t fade away
Alter Ego: Did you expect to be “further along”
Me: I think I did. Or I think I really didn’t know what to expect and it’s different than I thought
Alter Ego: Your whole life has changed completely since his suicide. You’ve changed
Me: I know. And adjusting to this whole new person is disruptive. Sometimes I don’t know her and I’m confused and gripped in fear
Alter Ego: You’re actually kind of possessed
Me: I know. And relentless
Alter Ego: You are pretty raw too
Me: Why is that do you think?
Alter Ego: The new you won’t hide behind the hurt. You won’t let it isolate you like it did before and you don’t want anyone else to suffer like that
Me: I don’t know what direction I am going but some part of me does. It’s like part of me is keeping a secret. It’s so bizarre and confusing
Alter Ego: Just go with it
You are loved. You can be whatever you need to be on this day. I give you permission! Take special care of YOU, and if you fall? You know I will be there to catch you.
I want you to know that I will be lifting you up and wrapping you in prayer that day….
Thank you
Hugs❤️. I hope your blog is helping you because I know it’s reaching others!
61,000 this month. I feel good about that. It doesn’t replace but it helps.
I feel like I am on this journey with you, even though my boy is still here. So many similarities. You are amazing and you are not alone. I think of you and Charles every day. Sending a big hug. 💕💕
Thinking of you!
Thank you Leigh
I know all the above. We do change. I can’t imagine anyone out their dealing with the samething saying they haven’t. But the change in you and what you’re trying to accomplish in Charles memory is all for the good. It’s okay to take a step back to regroup. We all need that from time to time. Big hugs