Anticipation of the first death anniversary

cal_june5

Me: I don’t know yet which is worse. The anticipation of June 5, Charles’ death anniversary, or the actual day

Alter Ego: I’ve noticed you are sleeping restlessly again and the hot flashes are worse 

Me: And the heaviness in my limbs. It feels like the death anniversary will mean he is farther away from me

Alter Ego:  You’ll have to learn to carry him in your heart

Me: Sometimes I know what that means. Other times I don’t and I feel if I cling to my grief I’m closer to him and he won’t fade away

Alter Ego:  Did you expect to be “further along”

Me: I think I did. Or I think I really didn’t know what to expect and it’s different than I thought

Alter Ego:  Your whole life has changed completely since his suicide. You’ve changed

Me: I know. And adjusting to this whole new person is disruptive. Sometimes I don’t know her and I’m confused and gripped in fear

Alter Ego:  You’re actually kind of possessed 

Me: I know. And relentless

Alter Ego:  You are pretty raw too

Me: Why is that do you think? 

Alter Ego:  The new you won’t hide behind the hurt. You won’t let it isolate you like it did before and you don’t want anyone else to suffer like that

Me:  I don’t know what direction I am going but some part of me does. It’s like part of me is keeping a secret. It’s so bizarre and confusing

Alter Ego:  Just go with it

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

9 thoughts on “Anticipation of the first death anniversary”

  1. You are loved. You can be whatever you need to be on this day. I give you permission! Take special care of YOU, and if you fall? You know I will be there to catch you.

      1. I feel like I am on this journey with you, even though my boy is still here. So many similarities. You are amazing and you are not alone. I think of you and Charles every day. Sending a big hug. 💕💕

    1. I know all the above. We do change. I can’t imagine anyone out their dealing with the samething saying they haven’t. But the change in you and what you’re trying to accomplish in Charles memory is all for the good. It’s okay to take a step back to regroup. We all need that from time to time. Big hugs

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