Category: Grief

Alcohol is not the antidote for grief

alcohol is not the antidote to grief

I’m talking about purposely looking for relief from the pain of grief with a substance, the most common of which is alcohol. I’m talking about unhealthy self medication.

I’m not talking about those who have lost a loved one and are suffering suicidal ideation, have reached out for help and are taking the appropriate medication. I’m not talking about parents who’ve lost a child and have a prescription to help with sleep in those first months. I’m not talking about people who take medication for mental health condition. I’m not talking about one glass of wine.

The truth is, mind-altering … Read more...

My alter ego soothes my fear of fading memories

charles-beach

Me: Some days I feel like his memory will fade and I will not remember all that I want to remember

Alter Ego: You won’t forget the really important things

Me: But I want to remember everything

Alter Ego: Even with the ones who are living, you forget things. It’s not possible to remember everything

Me: Sometimes when I think about this, my breathing is shallow and I feel panicky. The memories are all I have

Alter Ego: It’s that feeling that it can’t be real. His death, I mean

Me: Exactly. I feel like if I move forward, … Read more...

Reflecting on the first 2 years after losing Charles to suicide

the first 2 years after my sons suicide

The first year

Shock. Numbness. Tears. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to live through this. But I made a bet with myself to move forward with my life. If I give up, who carries Charles’ legacy? Who fights for change?

It was frustrating how no one mentioned my child’s name for fear of “reminding” me. Like that’s something I could forget. Did any of us ever think that when we were on the other side? The side that was before our child died?

Probably. Maybe. Hard to remember.

It sort of made me feel like no one … Read more...

Do you want your child who died to be forgotten?

bear

That’s our greatest fear. That their memory will fade away. So what do you do?

Bring it up first

You’ve buried a child so don’t bury their memory.

Nothing will keep you stuck in grief like refusing to talk about your child. Let others know you want to talk by bringing up their name, posting on Facebook or asking a friend to share your wishes with others. (Don’t worry, it will travel.)

Defining the scope of what you wish they talked about or didn’t talk about, helps. For example, one family said they wanted to talk about their child as … Read more...

Emotional hibernation

charles coke
Charles coke

There are times when I go into emotional hibernation. The length of this hibernation changes but the intensity is pretty consistent–sort of an undercurrent of heaviness.

I’ve realized this will never go away. The month of April is one of those times because Charles was born in April.

The holidays are another time I huddle up in emotional hibernation, sort of immobilized, indecisive, unfocused and unmotivated.  I do talk. But I don’t really want to. I go out. But it’s forced.

I’ve come to realize there will always be these moments–my time to grieve my boy. To love my … Read more...

Maggie Music

maggie moyler
Maggie Moyler

by Charlotte Moyler

Music has various effects on my soul. Since my daughter died, I find some songs unbearable to listen to. Several songs bring emotions that I feel ill prepared to experience.

You’re Beautiful by James Blunt came on my car radio as I was driving this morning. When I recognized the tune, I almost changed the channel. It was popular when Maggie was in high school and she loved to mimic Blunt’s unusual voice.

She would belt it out, right out of nowhere and have whomever was around, laughing.

Maggie did that very well, made us

… Read more...

My heart weighs ten thousand pounds

Richard is far right. This is from a visit 2 years ago.

My oldest, Richard, graduated in May of 2015 from University of NC School of the Arts with a degree in Filmmaking. Two weeks later his brother died by suicide. Obviously at that time, he was not ready to leave North Carolina for Los Angeles.

He is moving to LA today. Driving across country from Tennessee to Kansas to Colorado to Las Vegas to California.

I know he needs to do this. You have to spend some time in LA if you are going to make it as a … Read more...

Vulnerable

vulnerable marlley

Everyone wants to look strong and in charge.

No one wants to look vulnerable.

The funny thing is, once I got over looking vulnerable, people started calling me strong.

Once I told my story in 2014 when Charles was still alive, I started to find support with others struggling from the same.

Was I judged? Yes I was. And Charles was, too. That hurt the most–the cruel things other parents would say about Charles. He would tell me and it would make me cringe.

By that time, I could’ve given a rat’s ass that people were judging me. If they … Read more...

We don’t heal by holding grief in

You don’t “get over” the loss of a child, or any other un-timely loss. You simply get used to living with grief by incorporating it into your life.

Grief can’t be denied or buried, stuffed or ignored. You can’t refuse to acknowledge it. It can’t be put on hold.

Booze and drugs won’t fix it.

The only way I know how to deal with it is to let it happen. Dive right in. What other choice do we have?

Time doesn’t heal grief

Time helps.

It’s the act of seeking and getting help, taking care of yourself, giving back and allowing yourself to … Read more...

How grief matures

When you lose a child, it changes you forever. And although time doesn’t heal, it does help.

Over time,

Tears of agony become tears of remembrance.

Agony becomes ache.

A hole in the heart becomes a wound with scar tissue.

Denial turns into acceptance.

Despair and isolation turn into purpose and clarity.

Deep depression turns into moments of melancholy.

Helplessness turns into humility.

Love with nowhere to land evolves into a need to give back.

And instead of carrying your child in your arms, you learn to carry him in your heart.

coping strategies for grief and loss

Free eBook Coping Strategies for Grief & Loss

Short, easy-to-read strategies for

… Read more...

Speaking out takes courage. Tell your story in the comments

We need to share our stories about addiction, mental illness, grief overdose and suicide. We must talk about our family’s pain as it relates to the illness of addiction and mental illness because it’s a family issue.

The stories shared with me to post here on emotionally naked this past two weeks have been amazing. I had some prior to that that I included on this page.

You think no one cares or wants to listen?

You’d be wrong.

Visitation to the site has quadrupled lately and we will soon reach 200,000 people reached since Feb 2016. People are interested. And … Read more...

The second death anniversary

6/4/2017- My inlaws and Richard. Being with family on the weekend of Charles’ death anniversary.
5/8/2015 – My immediate family, Richard’s May 2015 graduation from UNC SA

We decided to spend time with family for the second grief anniversary since Charles’ death by suicide June 5, 2015. I have found that having plans is crucial to surviving these significant dates: birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays.

My inlaws drove up from Georgia and we drove down from Virginia to meet in Winston Salem to see my oldest son Richard (where he currently lives) before he moves to LA on July 1, 2017.… Read more...

6 myths about grief after losing a child

There are lots of grief myths and I’m busting a few of the most glaring ones from my point of view. Many think grief is all emotional symptoms but grief has many physical symptoms, too.

1. You will get over it

It’s not a matter of “getting over it.”  It’s a matter of learning to live without the one you lost. It’s a big adjustment. All your hopes and dreams have been yanked from under you. It takes time to rebuild your life with new dreams and you will always have some hurt over the ones that will never come true.

2.

… Read more...

Short life

I have to feel thankful for the gifts Charles left and the memories I have now. So thankful that my family allows me to cry and to talk about my youngest child after his suicide.

Randy doesn’t recoil and panic when I cry. Richard gives me a hug and always just lets me get it out of my system.

Charles told me when he was 14 he didn’t think he would live to be old. And he’d talk about people that died young. I didn’t know it at the time, but those are clear signs of suicidal ideation.

I think … Read more...

It’s messages like these that keep me going

Picture credit courtesy of my brother Gene Nimocks

Note: You all have no idea how deeply appreciative and honored I am that you share your stories and messages with me. All of you inspire me. Becca, you’ve inspired me. Thank you –Anne Moss Rogers

Dear Mrs. Rogers-

I had no idea how to start this e-mail as I feel like I’m writing a lifelong friend, although you have no idea who I am! My name is Becca, I’m twenty-two and a psychology student at VCU. I switched my major to psychology when I was nineteen; my best friend and soulmate … Read more...