by Charlotte Moyler
Music has various effects on my soul. Since my daughter died, I find some songs unbearable to listen to. Several songs bring emotions that I feel ill prepared to experience.
You’re Beautiful by James Blunt came on my car radio as I was driving this morning. When I recognized the tune, I almost changed the channel. It was popular when Maggie was in high school and she loved to mimic Blunt’s unusual voice.
She would belt it out, right out of nowhere and have whomever was around, laughing.
Maggie did that very well, made us laugh
As I reached to change the radio station, a soothing thought told me to listen and to listen with new ears. Not sorrowful ears. Listen and embrace the joy Maggie brought when she sang it. She and her brother Jake would sing it together and the memory of that was challenging, but now joyful.
As I listened to the song, I felt my spirits soar and sky appeared even bluer. I turned it up and started singing aloud. I laughed and could easily visualize precious Maggie hamming it up with her little feet moving so quickly and her body swaging in perfect rhythm to the music.
Realizing that active healing was taking place, I thought, “I may even be able to listen to Billie Jean by Michael Jackson.” Besides from being hysterically funny, Maggie had unbeatable rhythm. She loved to dance, especially to Michael Jackson.
As only God would have it, the very next song to be played on my car radio was Billie Jean. Images flooded back of my spirited daughter and I let them engulf me. I allowed myself to feel more intensely.
I have found that I no longer dread experiencing memories I had adapted to fearing.
Sidenote: Maggie died by suicide in September 2011
Maggie was only 17. After these thoughts of writing this little piece came to me and I checked out the YouTube video of James Blunt’s song You’re Beautiful. At the end of the music video, he gives the impression of taking his life.
This was a cruel blow to me, as I had always viewed it as a simpler and silly song, but I did not let it stop me from writing. I do wonder if Maggie had watched that video and if any tiny seeds may have been planted.
Maggie was a beautiful person inside and out. She always brought a smile to my face whenever she was around because she was just one of those people that had that affect on people. I thought of her when I saw the movie Shack. Her laughing, smiling and skipping like she did as a young child. Loved some Maggie Moo💗💗💗💗
Charlotte – it was 2-3 years before I could enjoy music again. I understand. And now I have a Whitten playlist that I play when I am prepared to just go there…. My therapist says it’s good for us to make the choice to go there. And when we can actually make the choice, we are progressing. Love you.
Charlotte- I never knew Maggie but remember you and Jim and am so sorry for this terrible loss. Around the time of her death we knew 2 others who ended their life both in their 50’s. I am so sorry for what those left behind must endure. You write so beautifully.
Jane Alford
Thank you for sharing Maggie with us Charlotte. Not only is she beautiful but so vibrant and full of life in the photo and the way you describe her. I don’t understand. It seems like MOST of the young adults that we have come to know thru the parents that write about them are ALL so vibrant ,caring and compassionate . I think the social stigma (and perhaps our assumptions) expect dark dreary loners who always wear black! Do the compassionate feel more deeply , sense what others can’t , see what others refuse to look at ??? On the Meyers Briggs personality test( I think that’s the name ) are they all feelers / perceivers ??? Wonder if there’s a screening tool to use to perhaps know ahead who’s more susceptible and counseling/intervention? Just being aware of certain personality types parents would have a head start. And this isn’t just for suicide but drug use. THERES A REASON THEY USE TO NUMB PAIN. This world is a painful place to live.
Charlotte I am so so sorry .I understand. My son Joshua committed suicide.
I think there is. With Preventure, the drug prevention program for high schoolers, they’ve identified 4 personality traits more at risk for developing substance use disorder: impulse control, anxiety sensitivity, hopelessness and sensation seeking. All of these traits are tied to mental illness, too. The empathetic, deep feelers seem to be at higher risk
Ann Moss,this is great information. Thank you for sharing this.
Jackie Raye