Typical hurt day

Wrung out, cried out and feeling the dull ache of ‘miss you Charles.’

Not wanting to get out of bed. But I do.

Not wanting to run. But I do.

Nothing I can grab onto. Sinking.

I want to fix this. But I can’t.

Trying to get out of my own head. But stuck.

Trying to get things done. So unproductive.

Trying to feel normal. Impossible.

Thinking of ways to jumpstart myself. No energy.

Try to straighten my bent posture. I need a crowbar.

Talking to the air. It doesn’t talk back.

Begging for a sign. I get … Read more...

My alter ego soothes my fear of fading memories

charles-beach

Me: Some days I feel like his memory will fade and I will not remember all that I want to remember

Alter Ego: You won’t forget the really important things

Me: But I want to remember everything

Alter Ego: Even with the ones who are living, you forget things. It’s not possible to remember everything

Me: Sometimes when I think about this, my breathing is shallow and I feel panicky. The memories are all I have

Alter Ego: It’s that feeling that it can’t be real. His death, I mean

Me: Exactly. I feel like if I move forward, I Read more...

Reflecting on the first 2 years after losing Charles to suicide

the first 2 years after my sons suicide

The first year

Shock. Numbness. Tears. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to live through this. But I made a bet with myself to move forward with my life. If I give up, who carries Charles’ legacy? Who fights for change?

It was frustrating how no one mentioned my child’s name for fear of “reminding” me. Like that’s something I could forget. Did any of us ever think that when we were on the other side? The side that was before our child died?

Probably. Maybe. Hard to remember.

It sort of made me feel like no one … Read more...

Charles always reached out

Charles at Wasatch Academy in Utah

If there was one consistent theme about Charles, it was that he always reached out. He reached out to kids who were not always visible to others and to ones who were highly visible as well.

He put himself at risk socially doing this. But unlike other kids his age, he didn’t care.

He’d put himself on the line and stand up for other kids who had no friends at all or had tons of friends. Kids that felt isolated or depressed or were having a hard time with something in their lives. Kids … Read more...