Category: Suicide

Ways to kill yourself

United States Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255

Your brain hurts. You don’t want to die, you want to end the pain. It’s intense. It’s unbearable and you think the world would be better off without you.

My son who died by suicide wrote this.

“It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only one who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow
thinking no one understands.”

I am sorry you hurt so much.

I want to help.

I want to listen.… Read more...

Your child has just written you a message he’s suicidal

I do not have permission to share the letters I get from people who are hurting or ones that parents send me from their children with details of their depression and how worthless they feel. They are intensely personal. But I can share similarities I see in most of them.

They often refer to cutting or other self destructive behavior–alcohol, drugs, eating disorders are common symptoms. Every one of them mentions feeling worthless, many with a mirror metaphor. “I look in the mirror and I feel so worthless.”

Most of the letters are naked and raw emotional accounts and confessions of depression … Read more...

Fear of talking about death

Death is an inevitable part of life, yet there is hardly a subject we are more afraid of discussing. I see this fear all the time as a member of the club no one wants to be in.

There are people who have known me for decades, have seen me multiple times since my child died by suicide and have yet to say the first word to me about that loss. That’s despite my having spoken about my son, written nearly 435 posts on this blog telling people that saying nothing is the worst thing of all to say.

I could … Read more...

The emotional roller coaster

Those big family gatherings are great–the times when all the cousins are together laughing and telling jokes. We are all together celebrating my in law’s 60th anniversary. I am enjoying the noise and then all of a sudden it hits, that sadness of the one that’s not here anymore.

I have that ache and disbelief that he’s gone. “Oh how much he would have loved this,” I think. Has he been forgotten? My mother in law makes sure he is not forgotten and hands me a donation to a mental health organization in his name.

He’s in pictures of the past … Read more...

Human connection

We all crave it. No matter what age we are, we want to be accepted. We look for love and happiness.

That is achieved through human connection.

Sometimes it starts with your opening up. Sometimes it means active listening. I don’t mean you have to be as public as I am. That’s not for everyone. However, you can reach out to one human being.

Connecting with another or focusing on someone else helps you get out of your own head.

I took my dog to get a bath recently. And the groomer, a young lady, was asking about Andy– breed … Read more...

The story of rap and how Charles taught me to appreciate it

“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it
The only thing guaranteed in life is death
And everything looks sweeter when you haven’t any life left”

– Charles Aubrey Rogers

This one is the hardest for me to watch but I feel it reflects his creative genius the most. My opinion, as everyone has their favorite. As you will hear why, I lose it every time I listen to it. It is definitely dark but a portrait of a beautiful, tortured soul.

“Crap rap” as charles called it is not real rap. That’s … Read more...

Charles and Sandy Hook. Letter to God

I remember thinking that Charles didn’t pay any attention to the news.

I was wrong

It was after Charles’ suicide when his friend Max from Wasatch Academy, the high school from where Charles graduated, sent me this video which I had never seen. In it you will hear exactly how a depressed kid thinks. How they take on the world’s problems and see themselves as such flawed human beings.

He was deeply touched, angered and saddened by the Sandy Hook shooting. Much more than I thought.

Charles had many gifts but the untreated depression that he thought he could “manage on his … Read more...

Best suicide prevention apps

Updated 05/2021

The apps

These first two are for the suicide attempt survivors or for those who experience suicidal thoughts also known as suicidal ideation. Please understand that the phenomenon of suicidal thoughts is a brain attack and a medical problem and not a weakness of character.

The last one is for medical professionals to assess a situation. If you are a parent or a teacher, it is recommended that you connect your loved one with services and not try to “fix” the situation yourself.

Best apps for those with suicidal thoughts

These will keep you safe when you are … Read more...

How to tell your parents you want to die

If you comment here, I will answer. I want to hear your story.

You have had thoughts of killing yourself and you are not sure why. You feel so worthless and want to end it. The pain just won’t stop.

So I am asking you to ask for help to save yourself.

Telling can help relieve some of the pain

You need to say something because suicide could be the last thing on a parent’s mind. They might not think of asking you. This is not because they don’t care, but because it’s the last thing they think you would … Read more...

Can’t be tamed

My entire life, I have been told, “I love your passion but you need to tame it!” Like the two were separable. That sentence itself is a paradox.  As if the fact that I am bold and think differently is a ugly speck on an otherwise decent personality.

I’ve been made to feel guilty about my forthright personality, encouraged to tame it to be more ladylike and more “in line” with tradition. If only I wasn’t so ambitious, so driven, daring, bold, willing to step outside my comfort zone, and so unwilling to follow traditions I find ludicrous.

If I … Read more...

Hopes and Dreams

movie-theater-charles

On June 5, 2015, my son died by suicide. With him, all the hopes and dreams I had of who he would become evaporated in an instant.

Your kids are your life. And when one of them is taken away, part of your life goes with him. Part of my soul died that day and my grief journey meant finding new hopes and dreams, all while mourning the loss of the ones that would never come true.

Charles had “it.” He wanted to be famous. Wanted his music to be famous. And he had all the ingredients although I don’t think he had the … Read more...

Why aren’t we screening for suicide?

90-of-parents

Many parents who lose a child by suicide have no idea their child has had thoughts of killing themselves.

Even more parents, 90% of them, are unaware their teen has attempted suicide*, according to Lisa M. Horowitz, PhD, MPH, a clinical psychologist from the National Institute of Mental Health with whom I spoke with recently.

That was true in our case.

Charles apparently did have a previous attempt and while in Wilderness, he was on suicide watch according to his music lyrics about Cal Riley, a young man that died by suicide 2 years before Charles.

“I hate myself. I quake.

… Read more...

The Seuss-ing of suicide

Copyright Dr. Seuss Green Eggs & Ham
Picture copyright Dr. Seuss Green Eggs & Ham

We don’t talk suicide with neighbors or teens.

Not with our friends or with our tweens.

Nothing triggers more fear.

Everyone wants to steer clear!

Never taking the time.

Makes suicide rates climb.

The morning isn’t good.

And neither is the evening

We don’t talk on vacation.

Or in a business situation.

Not at a wedding or on a train.

Not in a car or on a bus.

Not while we’re running or when we’re sitting.

Not in a box.

Not with a fox.

Not in a house.

Not with a mouse.

So when is a good time?

After a … Read more...

3 short, easy-read guides to help with a troubled teen

what-do-i-sayThese are all short, easy reads. Number 3 in only 66 pages. The others are glorified booklets.

I know the internet has a wealth of information but at times it felt overwhelming and it helped to be holding one single piece of literature that had been proven to work for tens of thousands of families.

Numbers 1 and 2 apply more to those with a loved one with addiction. Number 3 is great guide for anyone with a teen. It’s not meant for kids with issues but I think it is a template for communicating that can work with any … Read more...

The invisible kid

Picture courtesy of Jessica-Art
Picture courtesy of Jessica-Art

From Anne Moss: This is from a young man who attempted suicide in February 2016.

It so happened my article in the Richmond Times Dispatch ran during that time and his mom read it and reached out to me. Fast forward 9 months and that suicide attempt survivor asked if he could post this on my blog.

As human beings we want to be loved and accepted. It’s a human emotion at the core of our very being. And when that doesn’t happen, despair sets in. As many as 30% of kids who attend a school, go weeks without another human being … Read more...