I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.
I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion in this journey.
How did all of these words just appear in Charles’ head and spill onto the paper? In rhyme just automatically with minimal editing. It’s so hard to know how much he hurt. I feel I understand him so much better now that when … Read more...
Not all of these are sunny and positive. And we tend to avoid darkness. But I think for Charles, writing about the darkness helped him find light–until he found dope. There are so many rap songs and I have so few. Here are some of the quotes from those stanzas that I am sharing.
“My cerebellum is difficult to live with.” ––Charles Aubrey Rogers, Rap Song, “Diary of a Broken Mind”
“My demons up against me I’m facing them now I wear the face of a clown I feel so unloved Because of the monster Created from drugs.” —–Rap … Read more...
“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it
The only thing guaranteed in life is death
And everything looks sweeter when you haven’t any life left”
– Charles Aubrey Rogers
This one is the hardest for me to watch but I feel it reflects his creative genius the most. My opinion, as everyone has their favorite. As you will hear why, I lose it every time I listen to it. It is definitely dark but a portrait of a beautiful, tortured soul.
“Crap rap” as charles called it is not real rap. That’s … Read more...
I remember thinking that Charles didn’t pay any attention to the news.
I was wrong
It was after Charles’ suicide when his friend Max from Wasatch Academy, the high school from where Charles graduated, sent me this video which I had never seen. In it you will hear exactly how a depressed kid thinks. How they take on the world’s problems and see themselves as such flawed human beings.
He was deeply touched, angered and saddened by the Sandy Hook shooting. Much more than I thought.
Charles had many gifts but the untreated depression that he thought he could “manage on his … Read more...
Another of Charles’ raps penned under Reezin’ the Revolutionary. This one nails addiction. It’s not pleasant but neither is the illness. I think once you read it, you start to have an understanding of the self-loathing an addict suffers from.
During his last days, Charles suffered a depressive episode and that coupled with the withdrawal from heroin is why he took his own life.
What these drugs do
I got that shit that’ll make you rob, steal or kill, I’ve seen mother fuckers throw away everything for a single pill.… Read more...
All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell Someone get me out of this pit someone get me out of this shit Sorry drippin’ down my pen Bleeding out when I spit
This is a verse for the lonely When you’re hurt mission’ homies Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude Your shadow is the only one who follows you The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you It eats you alive till it swallows … Read more...
Trigger Warning: Strong emotional content and suicide method referenced. If you are in crisis, text “help” to 741-741 or call 988
This is real shit, not crap rap, The park I used to trap at is next to the tunnel where Cal took his last nap. Just a coupla weeks away from graduation, He was supposed to have that gown and tassled cap hat. Cosby was where he was supposed to grad at, But he tied that rope and choked, No joke, than ain’t … Read more...
This rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud and posted below. I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the beats. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah on an instrument microphone.
Here’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.
It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.
Problems just pilin’ all around me Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands Taking shots of crown Let the alcohol drown Take a look around All this bullshit surround got me down Wish I could just run free fun free, … Read more...
Charles was a Rap artist among his many talents. His notebooks and music were his salvation while he was alive and probably the only reason he lived until 20.
When he was away at a therapeutic boarding school, they did take his notebooks which made me angry. Writing is therapeutic. I don’t hate the school but I didn’t think taking his writing away because they … Read more...
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.
I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.
It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.
And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was … Read more...