Limitless genius

YouTube video of the above song

I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.

I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion ...  read more

Charles first EP rap album, Hell’s Episode

I have made available Charles’ first rap album on his soundcloud channel. Fortunately, I was able to get into his account.

For a long time it was on iTunes and I discovered it was no longer. Probably due to lagging sales after his death. I added it to SoundCloud because of the creative commons licensing.

Listen to Charles’ first EP on SoundCloud

The American Dream is still available on Amazon for 99 cents

I don’t Wanna be a Patient, the single of an album he was working on when he died by suicide is still on iTunes and amazon for 99 cents.

Discovered a new song today I’d never heard, Angel Dust. Not so much a “mom” song but anything new is gold.

He would hand out his CDs and then people would come back and tell him how much they loved the album. He’d be beaming. His music is dark. It reflects how he felt and how he suffered.

Video: Forgive me momma – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

 

My favorite of Charles’ quotes

music fills my empty and makes my hollow float

Not all of these are sunny and positive. And we tend to avoid darkness. But I think for Charles, writing about the darkness helped him find light–until he found dope. There are so many rap songs and I have so few. Here are some of the quotes from those stanzas that I am sharing.

“…if you make it through today,
you can make it through the next”
——Rap Song: Find Beauty

“Life can crush your perfect world in under a second.”

“As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining even when it’s nighttime.”

“But I bet when I’m deceased,
at peace when my final season ends,
they’ll listen then and say ain’t another rapper dope as reezin is,
or was, cause I’ll be done with the dust unable to feel the love.”

“Through all the terror, I can catch beauty in the glimpse of hope.”

“I want everyone to relax a little. Life ain’t a board meeting.”

“My brain strains and decays, and thoughts stay and hurt like razor blades.”

“So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim,
When happiness is growing slim,
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim,
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work.”

“This world is crushing me but I lift the weight,
Look at a star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place.”

“Even in darkness, sometimes sunshine shines through the blinds.”

“How come I still feel hollow as death When I got a family and I’m obviously blessed.”

“When everything leaves, all you have is hope. All you have is family. I took that for granted and I can’t stand it.”

“They’ll take everything.
That’s what these drugs do.
Strip your motivation,
jail, probation, heavenly elevation.
That’s what these drugs do.”

“My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown,
I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”

“It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small.”

“I could never sit still
Doctor prescribed pills, ‘This kid’s ill,’
I already wrote my will, I don’t know how long I’ll be here till.”

“Dope kills, but I let the opiates fill my brain, but the effects don’t remain.”

“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it,
The
 ...  read more

The story of rap and how Charles taught me to appreciate it

“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it
The only thing guaranteed in life is death
And everything looks sweeter when you haven’t any life left”

– Charles Aubrey Rogers

This one is the hardest for ...  read more

Charles and Sandy Hook. Letter to God

I remember thinking that Charles didn’t pay any attention to the news.

I was wrong

It was after Charles’ suicide when his friend Max from Wasatch Academy, the high school from where Charles graduated, sent me this video which I had never seen. In it you will hear exactly how a depressed kid thinks. How they take on the world’s problems and see themselves as such flawed human beings.

He was deeply touched, angered and saddened by the Sandy Hook shooting. Much more than I thought.

Charles had many gifts but the untreated depression that he thought he could “manage on his own” was too much. I wish he had accepted help. Due to stigma of mental illness and fear of what might happen to him if he admitted it, he adamantly refused to acknowledge he had it.

Those tragically lost in Sandy Hook, probably as a result of young man who also suffered from mental illness and expressed that pain in tragic way that not only took his own life and his mother’s in addiction to innocent children and teachers.

I have to say that as awful as my son’s suicide is, I don’t live through the hell the shooter’s father has had to deal with. After it happened, both the deceased mother and the father that survived them came under such awful scrutiny. None of us are perfect parents.

Some of us are dealt a deck we didn’t expect

The truth is, we don’t have control over another human being including our children, particularly if they suffer from the psychosis of a mental illness. Getting treatment is exceptionally difficult. I know that first hand having dealt with a child who suffered from mental illness and refused treatment. Resources are few and somehow the population at large still expects parents to fix it.

I am remembering the victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy, their families as well as the father and extended family of the shooter.

All need our love and support.

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Shame

What These Drugs Do – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

This was hidden in Charles' closet when he was 15
This was hidden in Charles’ closet when he was 15

Another of Charles’ raps penned under Reezin’ the Revolutionary. This one nails addiction. It’s not pleasant but neither is the illness. I think once you read it, you start to have an understanding of the self loathing an addict suffers from. 

Warning, it has some language. I pondered whether to put it out there. But I know Charles wanted his music shared. He was hardly a dealer but I am sure he sold to support his habit at times. Depression is an awful illness. But addiction really is the devil. During his last days, he suffered a depressive episode and that coupled with the withdrawal from heroin is why he took his own life. 

I got that shit that’ll make you rob, steal or kill,
I’ve seen mother fuckers throw away everything for a single pill.
I got that shit that’ll make you sell your xbox, weed dirty like sex talk,
10 crack commandments; I wrote the drug dealin’ bible.

I’m fiendin’, I need it, for survival
Friends stick around like bleach stains
Just call me dude, we don’t speak names,
cause when my product leak through each of your veins you feel the release of pain
Now pay up cause I need the same,
That’s what these drugs do

Say that they love you just so they can fuck you,
But fuck it you’ve got fun to have and a will to lose and I got pills to move.
I’ve got drugs to do so it’s nothing’ new.
Bricks in check, let’s risk death, get the cigarette dipped in wet, I’m not ready for reality yet.

They’ll take everything
That’s what these drugs do
Strip your motivation, jail, probation, heavenly elevation
That’s what these drugs do

I can see the veins on the side of my pupils
I’m high enough to talk to cupid
He gave me some Jesus powder and told me how to move it,
your mind is beautiful and it’s cheap to lose it
Plus, I drink stupid and my shrink thinks I’m using.

This hip hop shit is my theme music
tryin’ to reach the scarface dream though
it sip lean, lit weak, I trip Lucy, sell amphetamines to buy ketamine,
I’ve see lives ruined, people die, but I get high and put it in my music

This drug problem I’ve fine tuned it, I use it,
Abusive to these hallucinogens, shrooms make life cartoons,
Look the moons movin’, my blood itches,
I’ve scratched my skin to the bone,
Fuck stitches, the drugs fuck with us.
Jesus Christmas dust in thick blunts, hit it once and can’t get enough, binges, woke up already away 3 days in the past, still baked
If this rush is real, life is fake
Let’s see how much pain I can take before I have to escape

They’ll take everything
That’s what these drugs do
Strip your motivation, Jail, probation, heavenly elevation
That’s what these drugs do

I’m sorry mom and dad, that little Charlie is a problem bad,
sicker than a vomit bag
Ether clogged rag, inhalants make time lag,
Where’s my motherfuckin’ mind at? HANDS OFF MY BAG!
Do E pills really kill?
Pink hills, half unconscious but I manage to drink still,
My ink sinks into the stationary, reezin the revolutionary,
Call me a god, call me legendary, me and mary got married space carried loud on the clouds
I’ll come down when I’m buried, life is scary. I know it well

Drugs are bad,
They fuckin’ ruined my life.
But I got a couple hits,
If you wanna do them tonight?

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Verse for the Lonely – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Lonely flower from Gene Nimocks
Lonely flower from Gene Nimocks

All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell
Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell
Someone get me out of this pit
someone get me out of this shit
Sorry drippin’ down my pen
Bleeding out when I spit

This is a verse for the lonely
When you’re hurt mission’ homies
Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth
It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow thinking no 1 understands

God is just a man who let the illusion expand
I once held love in my hands
But fuck she ran
And the pain snapped back like rubber bands

Damn

 

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Sometimes in My Dreams Cal’s Song, Part 2

by Charles Aubrey Rogers

This is real shit, not crap rap,
The park I used to trap at is next to the tunnel where Cal took his last nap.
Just a coupla weeks away from graduation,
He was supposed to have that gown and tassled cap hat.
Cosby was where he was supposed to grad at,
But he tied that rope and choked,
No joke, than ain’t somthin’ to fuckin’ laugh at,
That ain’t somethin’ to fuckin’ laugh at.

I lie in bed and see you die in my head,
Stay awake and squirm while my brain shakes with your final words,
“I’ll see you back at home Charles in a coupla weeks.”
I hate myself. I quake. I hate this place. I shake. It’s hell.
Stay awake and blame myself cause you were there for me when I wanted to take myself,
And I blame myself, even though I know, it’s not my fault at all,
But maybe if I was there I coulda stayed and helped,
You used to tell me to stay myself cause I ain’t like any body else

Sometimes in my dreams, you speak to me,
You say all is well, sounds like angels as they sing to me,
Sometimes in my dreams, demons scream to me,
And feed to me images of your final scenery.

It’s been over 3 months since I picked up a pen, cause every time I write I see images of him,
I visualize your end and I admit I miss my friend I’ll never see again,
I’m just a little empty within,
Cause I sat and waited for time we never got to spend.

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

wilderness pictures
Charles at Wilderness. Happy? Not hardly

—— notes

Charles was in the same group at Second Nature in Clayton, Georgia with Cal Riley. Never in the history of this organization had two kids from the same high school ended up in the same group. There were 30 of them and it’s a surprising coincidence. Or fate?

Cal loved wilderness and to hear Charles tell of it, Cal cried when he had to leave. He stayed longer than every kid in the history of Second Nature. Never before had he felt so accepted and so happy. But it was super expensive, around $475 per day. I’m sure they let him stay as long as they could afford.

Charles did not like wilderness but he did like and reach out to Cal. He got used to it. Cal was an unusual kid but Charles knew he had been bullied and they watched out for each other. He died by suicide two days before graduation on June 3, 2013– almost exactly 2 years prior to Charles’ suicide (Charles died June 5, 2015). 

I finally found Part I of this song but have not typed it up. He’s far angrier in that first song to those who teased and bullied Cal.

Charles was at home on his first home visit from a therapeutic boarding school in NY and had planned on seeing Cal.  Cal didn’t know Charles was home on a visit as he had no phone at the time.

I so wish he could’ve stayed in wilderness where he was happy but of course that was cost prohibitive. It broke my heart to hear how much he had loved it. It broke my heart when he died and I thought of his family. I never entertained that it would happen to us. I also never knew he was suicidal while there. 

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Cal’s Song – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Silver Lining by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Every-CloudThis rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud. But I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the “beats”. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah. The recorded version is on an instrument microphone. 

By Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary– 4/26/1995-6/5/2015

Woke up with not enough sleep
Got to breakfast, too late to eat
Still managed to get a stain on my favorite shirt
Every day’s stress, what’s next?
the news plays and reflects
the plethora of pain on this earth
Go to school all day till my wrist hurts
Still miss my work, staring at my girl’s picture
I think about it so much till I miss her
She’s distant wish I could escape but I can’t afford liquor,
drug test can’t roll a swisher
My money ain’t stackin’ right
My mind feels funny, I ain’t actin’ right and I didn’t sleep last night
I’m smilin’ but not on the inside, but it’s OK cuz it’s just life and

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining even when it’s nighttime

Been a couple months and I’m still picking up the pieces
So many friends I fear I’ll never see again
I let my troubles leak through my pen
She’s not here and the thought that she never will be tantalizes my nightmares
Drowning in my problem late my body ache shore often late
Song sales often not at the proper rate
Dark thoughts contemplate till I look at it another way
My friends like brothers and it’ll be better another day
Close my eyes and see – you and me sitting on the front smilin’ at the beach and you in my reach I feel your breath as you leave
I don’t ever wanna to leave
Can I never go away?
I can almost hear her say, “Charles, you can stay, I’m just waiting for that day”

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining when it’s nighttime

I’m lonely in dark, I put so much passion in this, I’m only an artist
if success would only start I could go so far
But they make jokes and another day goes I stay broke
A rainy day, I forgot my raincoat
I’m scared of the future
I can’t pass even with a tutor
I guess I’m just a loser
It’s a long day looking like the wrong way
Shit is tough, life is rough, looking in the shadows Ima find the sun
I’m just so sick of the darkness find a little spark
That’s my job as an artist

So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim
When happiness is growing slim
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work.

Let go, emotions flows, let it show and dissipate.
This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face
You’ll see tomorrow, the world will be a better place

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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My favorite of Charles’ quotes

Not exactly a suicide note

escape-cloudsHere’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.

It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.

Run Free

Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, to the fuckin’ sound
Turn the music loud
Now I’m sprintin’ through the clouds.
Clear your mind free
Your doubts we gon scream, we gon shout till we blow them speakers out.

Time for peace is now, I just wanna run away like a race,
Painkilla music get numb to the bass
Runaway
Feel the sun in my face

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Floatin’ high above the ground, never touch down, never ever comin’ down
High off all the sound.

Sick of all the pain,
I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back
Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past,
mind on the money
I am focused on the cash.
Just broken beyond repair
Feels like no one’s even there
God ain’t even care
It ain’t even fair.

Runaway, runaway I can’t be brave
Sit and stare till I gotta go, up, up, by bye, Geronimo!
I’m comin’ home, comin’ home, just a scared little boy all alone,
Momma don’t pick up the phone when I’m callin’ home
And it’s gettin’ hard so you know I gotta go.

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Close my eyes til I don’t exist
Floatin’ through the black,
Peace and bliss
Peacefulness, escape the place where evil is,
Escape it all cuz I can’t face it all.

I just run, run cuz I ain’t gotta place at all,
Melt into the music while I face the wall.
Up in outer space and I chase it off,
I’m in a place that’s lost,
Palm trees, white sand bright, tan with a can in my right hand,
Like this is the life man,
This is the mothafuckin’ life man,
Pff
Yea right man,
Ima float and fly away up above it all like fuckitall,
High enough to touch God before I just fuckin’ fall…..
Before I fall on the floor with ya’ll
But I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go
Can’t stop me, no, gotta go, gottugoupup, Bye Bye Geranimo

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers