I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.
I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion in this journey.
How did all of these words just appear in Charles’ head and spill onto the paper? In rhyme just automatically with minimal editing. It’s so hard to know how much he hurt. I feel I understand him so much better now that when he was alive. Twice I’ve run across passages where he mentions psychosis.
Psychosis is characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. These disruptions are often experienced as seeing, hearing and believing things that aren’t real or having strange, persistent thoughts, behaviors and emotions. While everyone’s experience is different, most people say psychosis is frightening and confusing.*
Did he suffer psychosis? I’ve often wondered. Some of those songs, just a few, make me ponder this as a possibility. I won’t ever know for sure.
As I read through his rap diaries, there is so much darkness and so much genius it makes me ache. Writing this book has taken me back to a low place some days. I’ve done enough writing to know that the process brings healing.
But today, I’m utterly spent.