Limitless genius

YouTube video of the above song

I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.

I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion ...  read more

My favorite of Charles’ quotes

music fills my empty and makes my hollow float

Not all of these are sunny and positive. And we tend to avoid darkness. But I think for Charles, writing about the darkness helped him find light–until he found dope. There are so many rap songs and I have so few. Here are some of the quotes from those stanzas that I am sharing.

“…if you make it through today,
you can make it through the next”
——Rap Song: Find Beauty

“Life can crush your perfect world in under a second.”

“As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining even when it’s nighttime.”

“But I bet when I’m deceased,
at peace when my final season ends,
they’ll listen then and say ain’t another rapper dope as reezin is,
or was, cause I’ll be done with the dust unable to feel the love.”

“Through all the terror, I can catch beauty in the glimpse of hope.”

“I want everyone to relax a little. Life ain’t a board meeting.”

“My brain strains and decays, and thoughts stay and hurt like razor blades.”

“So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim,
When happiness is growing slim,
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim,
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work.”

“This world is crushing me but I lift the weight,
Look at a star with a different face you’ll see tomorrow
The world will be a better place.”

“Even in darkness, sometimes sunshine shines through the blinds.”

“How come I still feel hollow as death When I got a family and I’m obviously blessed.”

“When everything leaves, all you have is hope. All you have is family. I took that for granted and I can’t stand it.”

“They’ll take everything.
That’s what these drugs do.
Strip your motivation,
jail, probation, heavenly elevation.
That’s what these drugs do.”

“My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown,
I feel so unloved, because of the monster created from drugs.”

“It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small.”

“I could never sit still
Doctor prescribed pills, ‘This kid’s ill,’
I already wrote my will, I don’t know how long I’ll be here till.”

“Dope kills, but I let the opiates fill my brain, but the effects don’t remain.”

“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it,
The
 ...  read more

Video: Forgive me momma – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Charles would rather Eminem or Cage be performing this rap. But I don’t know their numbers.

Since 8th grade, rap was Charles’ lifeline. He wrote it, performed it and it helped him deal with his depression and his addiction. I’m not talking about the ...  read more

What These Drugs Do – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

This was hidden in Charles' closet when he was 15
This was hidden in Charles’ closet when he was 15

Another of Charles’ raps penned under Reezin’ the Revolutionary. This one nails addiction. It’s not pleasant but neither is the illness. I think once you read it, you start to have an understanding of the self loathing an addict suffers from. 

Warning, it has some language. I pondered whether to put it out there. But I know Charles wanted his music shared. He was hardly a dealer but I am sure he sold to support his habit at times. Depression is an awful illness. But addiction really is the devil. During his last days, he suffered a depressive episode and that coupled with the withdrawal from heroin is why he took his own life. 

I got that shit that’ll make you rob, steal or kill,
I’ve seen mother fuckers throw away everything for a single pill.
I got that shit that’ll make you sell your xbox, weed dirty like sex talk,
10 crack commandments; I wrote the drug dealin’ bible.

I’m fiendin’, I need it, for survival
Friends stick around like bleach stains
Just call me dude, we don’t speak names,
cause when my product leak through each of your veins you feel the release of pain
Now pay up cause I need the same,
That’s what these drugs do

Say that they love you just so they can fuck you,
But fuck it you’ve got fun to have and a will to lose and I got pills to move.
I’ve got drugs to do so it’s nothing’ new.
Bricks in check, let’s risk death, get the cigarette dipped in wet, I’m not ready for reality yet.

They’ll take everything
That’s what these drugs do
Strip your motivation, jail, probation, heavenly elevation
That’s what these drugs do

I can see the veins on the side of my pupils
I’m high enough to talk to cupid
He gave me some Jesus powder and told me how to move it,
your mind is beautiful and it’s cheap to lose it
Plus, I drink stupid and my shrink thinks I’m using.

This hip hop shit is my theme music
tryin’ to reach the scarface dream though
it sip lean, lit weak, I trip Lucy, sell amphetamines to buy ketamine,
I’ve see lives ruined, people die, but I get high and put it in my music

This drug problem I’ve fine tuned it, I use it,
Abusive to these hallucinogens, shrooms make life cartoons,
Look the moons movin’, my blood itches,
I’ve scratched my skin to the bone,
Fuck stitches, the drugs fuck with us.
Jesus Christmas dust in thick blunts, hit it once and can’t get enough, binges, woke up already away 3 days in the past, still baked
If this rush is real, life is fake
Let’s see how much pain I can take before I have to escape

They’ll take everything
That’s what these drugs do
Strip your motivation, Jail, probation, heavenly elevation
That’s what these drugs do

I’m sorry mom and dad, that little Charlie is a problem bad,
sicker than a vomit bag
Ether clogged rag, inhalants make time lag,
Where’s my motherfuckin’ mind at? HANDS OFF MY BAG!
Do E pills really kill?
Pink hills, half unconscious but I manage to drink still,
My ink sinks into the stationary, reezin the revolutionary,
Call me a god, call me legendary, me and mary got married space carried loud on the clouds
I’ll come down when I’m buried, life is scary. I know it well

Drugs are bad,
They fuckin’ ruined my life.
But I got a couple hits,
If you wanna do them tonight?

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Silver Lining by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Every-CloudThis rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud. But I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the “beats”. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah. The recorded version is on an instrument microphone. 

By Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary– 4/26/1995-6/5/2015

Woke up with not enough sleep
Got to breakfast, too late to eat
Still managed to get a stain on my favorite shirt
Every day’s stress, what’s next?
the news plays and reflects
the plethora of pain on this earth
Go to school all day till my wrist hurts
Still miss my work, staring at my girl’s picture
I think about it so much till I miss her
She’s distant wish I could escape but I can’t afford liquor,
drug test can’t roll a swisher
My money ain’t stackin’ right
My mind feels funny, I ain’t actin’ right and I didn’t sleep last night
I’m smilin’ but not on the inside, but it’s OK cuz it’s just life and

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining even when it’s nighttime

Been a couple months and I’m still picking up the pieces
So many friends I fear I’ll never see again
I let my troubles leak through my pen
She’s not here and the thought that she never will be tantalizes my nightmares
Drowning in my problem late my body ache shore often late
Song sales often not at the proper rate
Dark thoughts contemplate till I look at it another way
My friends like brothers and it’ll be better another day
Close my eyes and see – you and me sitting on the front smilin’ at the beach and you in my reach I feel your breath as you leave
I don’t ever wanna to leave
Can I never go away?
I can almost hear her say, “Charles, you can stay, I’m just waiting for that day”

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining when it’s nighttime

I’m lonely in dark, I put so much passion in this, I’m only an artist
if success would only start I could go so far
But they make jokes and another day goes I stay broke
A rainy day, I forgot my raincoat
I’m scared of the future
I can’t pass even with a tutor
I guess I’m just a loser
It’s a long day looking like the wrong way
Shit is tough, life is rough, looking in the shadows Ima find the sun
I’m just so sick of the darkness find a little spark
That’s my job as an artist

So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim
When happiness is growing slim
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work.

Let go, emotions flows, let it show and dissipate.
This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face
You’ll see tomorrow, the world will be a better place

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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My favorite of Charles’ quotes

Not exactly a suicide note

escape-cloudsHere’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.

It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.

Run Free

Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, to the fuckin’ sound
Turn the music loud
Now I’m sprintin’ through the clouds.
Clear your mind free
Your doubts we gon scream, we gon shout till we blow them speakers out.

Time for peace is now, I just wanna run away like a race,
Painkilla music get numb to the bass
Runaway
Feel the sun in my face

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Floatin’ high above the ground, never touch down, never ever comin’ down
High off all the sound.

Sick of all the pain,
I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back
Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past,
mind on the money
I am focused on the cash.
Just broken beyond repair
Feels like no one’s even there
God ain’t even care
It ain’t even fair.

Runaway, runaway I can’t be brave
Sit and stare till I gotta go, up, up, by bye, Geronimo!
I’m comin’ home, comin’ home, just a scared little boy all alone,
Momma don’t pick up the phone when I’m callin’ home
And it’s gettin’ hard so you know I gotta go.

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Close my eyes til I don’t exist
Floatin’ through the black,
Peace and bliss
Peacefulness, escape the place where evil is,
Escape it all cuz I can’t face it all.

I just run, run cuz I ain’t gotta place at all,
Melt into the music while I face the wall.
Up in outer space and I chase it off,
I’m in a place that’s lost,
Palm trees, white sand bright, tan with a can in my right hand,
Like this is the life man,
This is the mothafuckin’ life man,
Pff
Yea right man,
Ima float and fly away up above it all like fuckitall,
High enough to touch God before I just fuckin’ fall…..
Before I fall on the floor with ya’ll
But I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go
Can’t stop me, no, gotta go, gottugoupup, Bye Bye Geranimo

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Charles’ new Rap is online on iTunes. I don’t wanna be a patient.

reezin-album-cover
This was the intended album cover for this album. Only 1.5 songs from it and this is the finished one. Photo by Louis King at Imperial Alliance Media in Richmond VA

Charles was a Rap artist among his many talents. His notebooks and music were his salvation while he was alive and probably the only reason he lived until 20.

When he was away at a therapeutic boarding school, they did take his notebooks which made me angry. Writing is therapeutic. I don’t hate the school but I didn’t think taking his writing away because they didn’t like what it said was the right move. There were many good people who went there and worked there. It saved lives. Others didn’t make it. Some still struggle.

Charles was clearly sick and tired of being sick. When I listen to this rap, I Don’t Wanna Be a Patient, I hear things from how he saw it, his perspective. Of course, we were trying to save his life, save him from going down the path he ultimately went down.

Link to single --I don't wanna be a Patient
Link to single –I don’t wanna be a Patient

I do think it illustrates a teen’s frustration with the mental health system and how long it takes to get help and for things to work. No wonder they self medicate. Definitely emotional, brilliant and heartbreaking.

From my heart to yours.

Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

charles-wilderness-04-23-12-CR
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was the only time he got a break from his pain since he suffered from insomnia and DSPS since he was a toddler.

It was a struggle for him to choose to live every day. And I know he lived for everyone else.  But it meant he chose to stay with us as long as he did.

These are his original lyrics which he hand wrote. He didn’t edit, they just poured onto paper out of his head in a a stream of consciousness style. Pretty amazing really.

Till now, I’ve not shared any of his work that he had not published. It’s like I’m tearing something precious from my heart. But I feel it’s too selfish to keep to myself and I know he wanted his lyrics to touch others who hurt and understood their pain. He always touched other young people who also suffered from depression.

This is what teen depression sounds like, looks like. See Charles’ other rap songs posted on this site here.

Just to Hurt 

by Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary, April 26, 1995-June 5, 2015

Back in another institution,
Guess I’m stupid, feeling useless even though my music tight as a noose is
Every day is a nuisance
Bored as fuck I want to do shit
Guess I didn’t learn my lesson.
Been in treatment most of my adolescence.*
Drug cravings, anxiety and depression
All because of my obsession
I know I’ll get by
But all rehab does is make me wanna get high
I bet God sits in the sky wishing I’d just die
They said I got amazing potential if I’d just try
Since I was 15 I’ve been fed lies
Said I’d be gone for 2 weeks I was gone for 3 years. What the hell why?**
This is my life, That was my time, I can never get it back
That wasn’t yours to take from me
But this is life and there ain’t no pot of gold after the rainbow
But there’s pain through
I promise you there’s pain yo

(chorus)

Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

They said it’s gonna get worse before it gets better
But all I see is hurt and its been getting worse forever
It always seems to rain the most when I’m promised perfect weather
And if you’re hurt too, then we can hurt together

I put these words together, pain stain in every letter
Cause me and Cal used to hangout, before he decided to hang down**,
Heroin took a home from me
He found a place in the ground
I scream for God to answer but he ain’t make a sound

My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown
I feel so unloved, because of the monster that was created from drugs

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

I hope this last verse sticks in ya mind momma
I promise Imma fix it this time
I’m putting it behind cause I can’t forgive myself
And you can’t give me back time

My emotions drip through these lines
But even in darkness sunshine sometimes shines through the blinds
You were paying for hope and I was lookin’ for dope
Cause I just couldn’t cope
And I’m just so afraid that I’ll end up alone

I’ll always miss my own home
I always seem to fuck things up
I guess rock bottom wasn’t deep enough
Even breathing’s tough

It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

—————-

*Charles spent 10 weeks in a Wilderness program and 15 months in a therapeutic boarding school

**We sent Charles away to these programs to figure out what was the matter, local resources being very weak. We did it to save his life and to see if he could learn to manage his illness. Although diagnosed with depression, he never admitted it. Too much stigma. 

***Charles knew Cal Riley who hung himself 2 years before Charles did. This haunted Charles. They met in wilderness and became very close. Never in the history of that decades-old program in Clayton Georgia, did two kids from the same high school (Cosby High School) end up in the same wilderness group

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Forgiving myself