Wish I could go back to the way it was before I ever had a taste of the stuff life wasted from drugs powder replaced faith and got traded from love hearts now decaying to dust scratchin’ my face as I escape the hate with a buzz
–Numb me, by Charles Aubrey Rogers
If this is not a testament to never doing drugs, I don’t know what is. Once it sucked my child into depravity, shame moved in and took up residence.
I’ve been combing through Charles’ music and this is just a snippet of a song. He … Read more...
I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.
I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion in this journey.
How did all of these words just appear in Charles’ head and spill onto the paper? In rhyme just automatically with minimal editing. It’s so hard to know how much he hurt. I feel I understand him so much better now that when … Read more...
Not all of these are sunny and positive. And we tend to avoid darkness. But I think for Charles, writing about the darkness helped him find light–until he found dope. There are so many rap songs and I have so few. Here are some of the quotes from those stanzas that I am sharing.
“…if you make it through today, you can make it through the next” ——Rap Song: Find Beauty
“Life can crush your perfect world in under a second.”
“As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the
Charles would rather Eminem or Cage be performing this rap. But I don’t know their numbers.
Since 8th grade, rap was Charles’ lifeline. He wrote it, performed it and it helped him deal with his depression and his addiction. I’m not talking about the crap rap that is commercially popular, I’m talking about soulful kind that represents the root of the genre.
He never shared his raps with me and other than the ones online. I saw them only after he died. He knew I’d be alarmed. I called his notebooks his Rap Diaries and in those pages, I … Read more...
Another of Charles’ raps penned under Reezin’ the Revolutionary. This one nails addiction. It’s not pleasant but neither is the illness. I think once you read it, you start to have an understanding of the self loathing an addict suffers from.
During his last days, Charles suffered a depressive episode and that coupled with the withdrawal from heroin is why he took his own life.
I got that shit that’ll make you rob, steal or kill, I’ve seen mother fuckers throw away everything for a single pill. I got … Read more...
This rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud and posted below. I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the beats. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah on an instrument microphone.
Here’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.
It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.
Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, … Read more...
Charles was a Rap artist among his many talents. His notebooks and music were his salvation while he was alive and probably the only reason he lived until 20.
When he was away at a therapeutic boarding school, they did take his notebooks which made me angry. Writing is therapeutic. I don’t hate the school but I didn’t think taking his writing away because they … Read more...
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.
I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.
It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.
And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was … Read more...