Not exactly a suicide note

escape-cloudsHere’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.

It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.

Run Free

Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, to the fuckin’ sound
Turn the music loud
Now I’m sprintin’ through the clouds.
Clear your mind free
Your doubts we gon scream, we gon shout till we blow them speakers out.

Time for peace is now, I just wanna run away like a race,
Painkilla music get numb to the bass
Feel the sun in my face

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Floatin’ high above the ground, never touch down, never ever comin’ down
High off all the sound.

Sick of all the pain,
I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back
Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past,
mind on the money
I am focused on the cash.
Just broken beyond repair
Feels like no one’s even there
God ain’t even care
It ain’t even fair.

Runaway, runaway I can’t be brave
Sit and stare till I gotta go, up, up, by bye, Geronimo!
I’m comin’ home, comin’ home, just a scared little boy all alone,
Momma don’t pick up the phone when I’m callin’ home
And it’s gettin’ hard so you know I gotta go.

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Close my eyes til I don’t exist
Floatin’ through the black,
Peace and bliss
Peacefulness, escape the place where evil is,
Escape it all cuz I can’t face it all.

I just run, run cuz I ain’t gotta place at all,
Melt into the music while I face the wall.
Up in outer space and I chase it off,
I’m in a place that’s lost,
Palm trees, white sand bright, tan with a can in my right hand,
Like this is the life man,
This is the mothafuckin’ life man,
Yea right man,
Ima float and fly away up above it all like fuckitall,
High enough to touch God before I just fuckin’ fall…..
Before I fall on the floor with ya’ll
But I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go
Can’t stop me, no, gotta go, gottugoupup, Bye Bye Geranimo

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

6 thoughts on “Not exactly a suicide note”

  1. Feeling profoundly sad as I consider the words written by Charles. I find myself going into FB more than I used to and reading your posts to learn from your loss and to get to know Charles through you. I wish I had met him and gotten to know him. He had so much to offer the world. Thinking of you often … Barbara

  2. My husband,Milt, committed suicide almost 3 years ago. He was diagnosed with cancer on Friday and killed himself on Saturday. Your posts have helped me as you so well express a lot of what I have felt. David’s almost 13 year old daughter died suddenly about 4 years ago from a heart condition. Please know I have such empathy for you. There is a book “No Time to Say Goodbye” that helped me to know I wasn’t going crazy. Still remember the time your mom and I took you, Russell, and David to Camp Leach. Fondly, Lucy Wofford

    1. Lucy – I did not know that. About your husband. I am so sorry. It’s an extra twist of the knife when it’s a suicide.

      I remember Camp Leach so fondly. I loved that camp. Makes me smile.

      Thank you for commenting and sharing with me and the rest of those who visit here.

  3. So much pain! It hurts to read it, and what hurts even more is to see my good friends tears. It does not matter to me if it was in the middle of SCC. What matters to me is helping you spread the word. You are my friend. I am your servent in this journey.

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