I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.
I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion in this journey.
How did all of these words just appear in Charles’ head and spill onto the paper? In rhyme just automatically with minimal editing. It’s so hard to know how much he hurt. I feel I understand him so much better now that when … Read more... “Limitless genius”
“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it
The only thing guaranteed in life is death
And everything looks sweeter when you haven’t any life left”
– Charles Aubrey Rogers
This one is the hardest for me to watch but I feel it reflects his creative genius the most. My opinion, as everyone has their favorite. As you will hear why, I lose it every time I listen to it. It is definitely dark but a portrait of a beautiful, tortured soul.
The irony in this rap song is downright eerie. And the bullying Cal endured ate at Charles.
Cal died by suicide almost exactly 2 years to the day before Charles did and by the same method. I don’t think Charles’ death was in any way a copycat. Charles wrote two songs that I have but I am sure in his lost notebooks he had others about Cal.
All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell
Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell
Someone get me out of this pit
someone get me out of this shit
Sorry drippin’ down my pen
Bleeding out when I spit
This is a verse for the lonely
When you’re hurt mission’ homies
Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth
It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow … Read more... “Verse for the Lonely – by Charles Aubrey Rogers”
This is real shit, not crap rap,
The park I used to trap at is next to the tunnel where Cal took his last nap.
Just a coupla weeks away from graduation,
He was supposed to have that gown and tassled cap hat.
Cosby was where he was supposed to grad at,
But he tied that rope and choked,
No joke, than ain’t somthin’ to fuckin’ laugh at,
That ain’t somethin’ to fuckin’ laugh at.
This rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud. But I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the “beats”. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah. The recorded version is on an instrument microphone.
Here’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.
It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.
Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, … Read more... “Not exactly a suicide note”
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.
I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.
It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.