Limitless genius

YouTube video of the above song

I am writing this book and trying to decide which of Charles’ songs to include. That means some have to be left out. Which is really the hard part.

I’ve decided which ones. I think. And almost done with draft three but it’s been hard. So much emotion ...  read more

The story of rap and how Charles taught me to appreciate it

“If you’ve got something good, you better respect it
Hold your world and protect it
The only thing guaranteed in life is death
And everything looks sweeter when you haven’t any life left”

– Charles Aubrey Rogers

This one is the hardest for ...  read more

Cal’s Song – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

The irony in this rap song is downright eerie. And the bullying Cal endured ate at Charles.

Cal died by suicide almost exactly 2 years to the day before Charles did and by the same method. I don’t think Charles’ death was in any way a copycat. Charles wrote two songs that I have but I am sure in his lost notebooks he had others about Cal.

In the history of the wilderness program he attended in Clayton, GA, no two kids from the same hometown, much less the same high school ended up in the same group. Charles and Cal did. And they forged a bond. It was just like Charles to embrace friendship with someone who suffered so from being different. He is obviously very angry and when Charles said, “I would have stood up for you,” he meant that. He would have. 
—–
Comin’ on that real shit,
Guarantee I can make you feel this,
Come a little closer and taste my pain,
You won’t look at me the same when we see face to face.
How can we escape the hate?
I gotta get out of this place,
Welcome to the suicide symphony,
My friend Cal had an eerie way of sayin’,
“You fuckers will remember me,”

You pushed him too much,
Whoever it was I hope it stains your fucking memory like it did to me,
Picture it visually while I’m missing sleep, withering,
Thinkin’ maybe I coulda made that end different,
I woulda stood up for you.

He was so happy, he was a friend to me,
I still remember the last thing you said to me after wilderness was over for you, the 2 months you lived with me,
You may have died but I’m keepin’ your memory alive,
Welcome to history.

After– I bet everyone was like, “Oh shit we were friends,”
When in reality you were teasin’ him,
I hope you bleed within,
And your conscience eats you and eats you again until you feel your sin in each of your limbs.

I hope every time you sleep,
you dream of him every single day til your breathin’ ends
I was supposed to come home and be your friend

Why does it hurt?
God can I ask what the reason is?
I just want someone to blame, I just wanna escape PAIN,
Why do preachers preach lies,
Why do people die? God please just give me a reason why?

Why were we put on this EARTH
Just to hurt, just to hurt
Why the fuck did you create the universe?

I’m staring at this paper contemplating,
Maybe I should rip this shit out,
But this has been stuck on my chest,
I gotta get this shit out,
I gotta spit it out,
And get it written down.

Fuck it’s really hittin’ now,
I hope you know your family misses you Cal,
I wasn’t able to go to your funeral,
I bet it was beautiful!

I’m yet to see your cemetery, Death is scary,
I cried for the first time in a long time when I read your obituary,
You were the only one from my hometown that saw me at my LOWEST,
when they took away my shoes cause everyday I’d try and tie a noose,
Who knew that’s the kinda shit that would happen to you,
Somethin’ you could actually do.
When I used to write suicide letters to my own mother,
Slept next to the staff under the covers,
We called ourselves woods brothers.

You reached out to me,
your mother would’ve proud to see all you did,
How happy you were,
WHY’D YOU GOTTA GO AND LEAVE THIS EARTH?
I’m askin’ God, not a single reason heard.

Why were we put on this EARTH
Just to hurt, just to hurt
Why the fuck did you create the universe?

Remember in wilderness you climbed trees and screamed you ain’t comin’ down?
And we would all laugh cause you was only jokin’ around,
ONLY NO ONE’S LAUGHIN’ NOW! CAUSE YOU’RE NOT COMIN’ DOWN,

Hangin’ there,
I wonder if you suffered stranglin’ there,
I wonder if you made a sound,
I don’t care what the Bible says,
If there’s a heaven,
You found your place in the clouds.

In the tunnel the fucking cops called your memorial vandalism,
Fuck those police, aren’t you supposed to be protecting the streets?
You didn’t stop Gorski from robbing those children at knifepoint,
But you took his memorial down at least,
I hope you fill guilty every time you breathe,
Oh you’re such a hero Mr. Cop,
I’m kidding, my sarcasm is deep.

I hope those cops hear this song
I hope they each feel wrong
I hope they see the pain and feel it, feel it,
feel it and never heal it,

This is as real as it gets,
Cal I promise they’ll never forget,
I’ll put your memorial in this rap shit,
Let’s see’em try to get rid of this,
cause you helped me a lot kid, you really did.

Even though you were sick,
Gave your tongue a slit so it would flick like a snake lick,
You was different,
But you said they used to tease you,
I don’t know who you are but I hope it eats you,
Cause it eats me,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think maybe I could’ve saved your life.

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Sometimes in My Dreams Cal’s Song, Part 2

cals-song

Verse for the Lonely – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Lonely flower from Gene Nimocks
Lonely flower from Gene Nimocks

All by myself feeling’ lonely as hell
Like I fell in a well, no one hears me yell
Someone get me out of this pit
someone get me out of this shit
Sorry drippin’ down my pen
Bleeding out when I spit

This is a verse for the lonely
When you’re hurt mission’ homies
Poppin’ perks cause your’ lonely on earth
It’s the worst when you immerse into solitude
Your shadow is the only one who follows you
The mirror is the only 1 who talks to you
It eats you alive till it swallows you
Wallow through feeling hollow thinking no 1 understands

God is just a man who let the illusion expand
I once held love in my hands
But fuck she ran
And the pain snapped back like rubber bands

Damn

 

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Sometimes in My Dreams Cal’s Song, Part 2

by Charles Aubrey Rogers

This is real shit, not crap rap,
The park I used to trap at is next to the tunnel where Cal took his last nap.
Just a coupla weeks away from graduation,
He was supposed to have that gown and tassled cap hat.
Cosby was where he was supposed to grad at,
But he tied that rope and choked,
No joke, than ain’t somthin’ to fuckin’ laugh at,
That ain’t somethin’ to fuckin’ laugh at.

I lie in bed and see you die in my head,
Stay awake and squirm while my brain shakes with your final words,
“I’ll see you back at home Charles in a coupla weeks.”
I hate myself. I quake. I hate this place. I shake. It’s hell.
Stay awake and blame myself cause you were there for me when I wanted to take myself,
And I blame myself, even though I know, it’s not my fault at all,
But maybe if I was there I coulda stayed and helped,
You used to tell me to stay myself cause I ain’t like any body else

Sometimes in my dreams, you speak to me,
You say all is well, sounds like angels as they sing to me,
Sometimes in my dreams, demons scream to me,
And feed to me images of your final scenery.

It’s been over 3 months since I picked up a pen, cause every time I write I see images of him,
I visualize your end and I admit I miss my friend I’ll never see again,
I’m just a little empty within,
Cause I sat and waited for time we never got to spend.

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

wilderness pictures
Charles at Wilderness. Happy? Not hardly

—— notes

Charles was in the same group at Second Nature in Clayton, Georgia with Cal Riley. Never in the history of this organization had two kids from the same high school ended up in the same group. There were 30 of them and it’s a surprising coincidence. Or fate?

Cal loved wilderness and to hear Charles tell of it, Cal cried when he had to leave. He stayed longer than every kid in the history of Second Nature. Never before had he felt so accepted and so happy. But it was super expensive, around $475 per day. I’m sure they let him stay as long as they could afford.

Charles did not like wilderness but he did like and reach out to Cal. He got used to it. Cal was an unusual kid but Charles knew he had been bullied and they watched out for each other. He died by suicide two days before graduation on June 3, 2013– almost exactly 2 years prior to Charles’ suicide (Charles died June 5, 2015). 

I finally found Part I of this song but have not typed it up. He’s far angrier in that first song to those who teased and bullied Cal.

Charles was at home on his first home visit from a therapeutic boarding school in NY and had planned on seeing Cal.  Cal didn’t know Charles was home on a visit as he had no phone at the time.

I so wish he could’ve stayed in wilderness where he was happy but of course that was cost prohibitive. It broke my heart to hear how much he had loved it. It broke my heart when he died and I thought of his family. I never entertained that it would happen to us. I also never knew he was suicidal while there. 

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Cal’s Song – by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Silver Lining by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Every-CloudThis rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud. But I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the “beats”. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah. The recorded version is on an instrument microphone. 

By Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary– 4/26/1995-6/5/2015

Woke up with not enough sleep
Got to breakfast, too late to eat
Still managed to get a stain on my favorite shirt
Every day’s stress, what’s next?
the news plays and reflects
the plethora of pain on this earth
Go to school all day till my wrist hurts
Still miss my work, staring at my girl’s picture
I think about it so much till I miss her
She’s distant wish I could escape but I can’t afford liquor,
drug test can’t roll a swisher
My money ain’t stackin’ right
My mind feels funny, I ain’t actin’ right and I didn’t sleep last night
I’m smilin’ but not on the inside, but it’s OK cuz it’s just life and

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining even when it’s nighttime

Been a couple months and I’m still picking up the pieces
So many friends I fear I’ll never see again
I let my troubles leak through my pen
She’s not here and the thought that she never will be tantalizes my nightmares
Drowning in my problem late my body ache shore often late
Song sales often not at the proper rate
Dark thoughts contemplate till I look at it another way
My friends like brothers and it’ll be better another day
Close my eyes and see – you and me sitting on the front smilin’ at the beach and you in my reach I feel your breath as you leave
I don’t ever wanna to leave
Can I never go away?
I can almost hear her say, “Charles, you can stay, I’m just waiting for that day”

As dark as my life’s like, I can still smile at the bright side and see the silver lining when it’s nighttime

I’m lonely in dark, I put so much passion in this, I’m only an artist
if success would only start I could go so far
But they make jokes and another day goes I stay broke
A rainy day, I forgot my raincoat
I’m scared of the future
I can’t pass even with a tutor
I guess I’m just a loser
It’s a long day looking like the wrong way
Shit is tough, life is rough, looking in the shadows Ima find the sun
I’m just so sick of the darkness find a little spark
That’s my job as an artist

So play this when your day is gray when hope is dim
When happiness is growing slim
Listen to me rap then reverse the grim
Burn the hurt, let my words do the work.

Let go, emotions flows, let it show and dissipate.
This world is crushing me but I lift the weight
Look at star with a different face
You’ll see tomorrow, the world will be a better place

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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My favorite of Charles’ quotes

Not exactly a suicide note

escape-cloudsHere’s how I understand the why of his suicide. His brain telling him he wanted to go, had to go. It would be better somewhere else. It was too painful here.

It is through these songs, as painful as they are to read, that I understand his depression. I wish he would’ve given life here another shot.

Run Free

Problems just pilin’ all around me
Wish I could just wilin’ in Hawaiian islands
Taking shots of crown
Let the alcohol drown
Take a look around
All this bullshit surround got me down
Wish I could just run free fun free, to the fuckin’ sound
Turn the music loud
Now I’m sprintin’ through the clouds.
Clear your mind free
Your doubts we gon scream, we gon shout till we blow them speakers out.

Time for peace is now, I just wanna run away like a race,
Painkilla music get numb to the bass
Runaway
Feel the sun in my face

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Floatin’ high above the ground, never touch down, never ever comin’ down
High off all the sound.

Sick of all the pain,
I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back
Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past,
mind on the money
I am focused on the cash.
Just broken beyond repair
Feels like no one’s even there
God ain’t even care
It ain’t even fair.

Runaway, runaway I can’t be brave
Sit and stare till I gotta go, up, up, by bye, Geronimo!
I’m comin’ home, comin’ home, just a scared little boy all alone,
Momma don’t pick up the phone when I’m callin’ home
And it’s gettin’ hard so you know I gotta go.

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

Close my eyes til I don’t exist
Floatin’ through the black,
Peace and bliss
Peacefulness, escape the place where evil is,
Escape it all cuz I can’t face it all.

I just run, run cuz I ain’t gotta place at all,
Melt into the music while I face the wall.
Up in outer space and I chase it off,
I’m in a place that’s lost,
Palm trees, white sand bright, tan with a can in my right hand,
Like this is the life man,
This is the mothafuckin’ life man,
Pff
Yea right man,
Ima float and fly away up above it all like fuckitall,
High enough to touch God before I just fuckin’ fall…..
Before I fall on the floor with ya’ll
But I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go
Can’t stop me, no, gotta go, gottugoupup, Bye Bye Geranimo

I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, I just wanna run free, run free, just wanna run free, run FREE

See Charles’ rap songs posted on this site here.

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Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

charles-wilderness-04-23-12-CR
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was the only time he got a break from his pain since he suffered from insomnia and DSPS since he was a toddler.

It was a struggle for him to choose to live every day. And I know he lived for everyone else.  But it meant he chose to stay with us as long as he did.

These are his original lyrics which he hand wrote. He didn’t edit, they just poured onto paper out of his head in a a stream of consciousness style. Pretty amazing really.

Till now, I’ve not shared any of his work that he had not published. It’s like I’m tearing something precious from my heart. But I feel it’s too selfish to keep to myself and I know he wanted his lyrics to touch others who hurt and understood their pain. He always touched other young people who also suffered from depression.

This is what teen depression sounds like, looks like. See Charles’ other rap songs posted on this site here.

Just to Hurt 

by Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary, April 26, 1995-June 5, 2015

Back in another institution,
Guess I’m stupid, feeling useless even though my music tight as a noose is
Every day is a nuisance
Bored as fuck I want to do shit
Guess I didn’t learn my lesson.
Been in treatment most of my adolescence.*
Drug cravings, anxiety and depression
All because of my obsession
I know I’ll get by
But all rehab does is make me wanna get high
I bet God sits in the sky wishing I’d just die
They said I got amazing potential if I’d just try
Since I was 15 I’ve been fed lies
Said I’d be gone for 2 weeks I was gone for 3 years. What the hell why?**
This is my life, That was my time, I can never get it back
That wasn’t yours to take from me
But this is life and there ain’t no pot of gold after the rainbow
But there’s pain through
I promise you there’s pain yo

(chorus)

Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

They said it’s gonna get worse before it gets better
But all I see is hurt and its been getting worse forever
It always seems to rain the most when I’m promised perfect weather
And if you’re hurt too, then we can hurt together

I put these words together, pain stain in every letter
Cause me and Cal used to hangout, before he decided to hang down**,
Heroin took a home from me
He found a place in the ground
I scream for God to answer but he ain’t make a sound

My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown
I feel so unloved, because of the monster that was created from drugs

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

I hope this last verse sticks in ya mind momma
I promise Imma fix it this time
I’m putting it behind cause I can’t forgive myself
And you can’t give me back time

My emotions drip through these lines
But even in darkness sunshine sometimes shines through the blinds
You were paying for hope and I was lookin’ for dope
Cause I just couldn’t cope
And I’m just so afraid that I’ll end up alone

I’ll always miss my own home
I always seem to fuck things up
I guess rock bottom wasn’t deep enough
Even breathing’s tough

It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

—————-

*Charles spent 10 weeks in a Wilderness program and 15 months in a therapeutic boarding school

**We sent Charles away to these programs to figure out what was the matter, local resources being very weak. We did it to save his life and to see if he could learn to manage his illness. Although diagnosed with depression, he never admitted it. Too much stigma. 

***Charles knew Cal Riley who hung himself 2 years before Charles did. This haunted Charles. They met in wilderness and became very close. Never in the history of that decades-old program in Clayton Georgia, did two kids from the same high school (Cosby High School) end up in the same wilderness group

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Forgiving myself