The ‘why’ behind suicide

The question that stalks those of us who’ve lost a loved one to suicide is, “Why did he kill himself?”

After they die, we go through their rooms, computers, social media messages, phones looking for answers looking for why our loved one took their life. We talk to their friends who are often equally as stunned. Our investigations turn up more questions. More anguish and helplessness.

There’s often anger at the deceased for killing themselves. How could they do that? Didn’t they know how much it would hurt those of us left behind?

Some of us find art, writing, journals, …

Why did he kill himself? Contributing factors to Charles’ suicide

While I have visited this topic before, I now have the perspective of a couple of years and a lot more education, training and experience. I also know a bit more of the story although there are still missing pieces and there will always be. It is important to note that suicide is the result of multiple factors including health, family history and environment.

1. Charles was going through withdrawal from heroin addiction

We didn’t know this or any of these things to be honest. And he didn’t tell us. But I know from a previous withdrawal, he suffered … Read more...

The day after I died

I wanted someone to ask me. I wanted someone, anyone, to stop me.

You didn’t ask. Probably because you didn’t know to ask. I wanted you to come get me. Save me from myself.

I know I didn’t say it. I know you didn’t know where I was.

Why didn’t I ask you? Why didn’t I tell you?

I was alone for days. I hated how I was living.

I didn’t tell you any of that.

I didn’t want those feelings of suicide. I didn’t want to leave you and Dad. I loved my family. I loved my dog. I … Read more...

Why did he kill himself? Answering the why


Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was … Read more...