Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

I learned a lot about Charles after his death by suicide from his RAP diary where he wrote his songs. You can see his notebook in his hands in the picture on this page. Many of his friends know what I’m talking about since he carried them with him. They were his lifeline.

charles-wilderness-04-23-12-CR
Charles in Wilderness Program for troubled teens. It was here that we finally got a great diagnosis. He did embrace the program after 4 weeks or so.

It’s in those pages I saw just how much he hurt. Every single day.

And why he ultimately gravitated to heroin as it was the only time he got a break from his pain since he suffered from insomnia and DSPS since he was a toddler.

It was a struggle for him to choose to live every day. And I know he lived for everyone else.  But it meant he chose to stay with us as long as he did.

These are his original lyrics which he hand wrote. He didn’t edit, they just poured onto paper out of his head in a a stream of consciousness style. Pretty amazing really.

Till now, I’ve not shared any of his work that he had not published. It’s like I’m tearing something precious from my heart. But I feel it’s too selfish to keep to myself and I know he wanted his lyrics to touch others who hurt and understood their pain. He always touched other young people who also suffered from depression.

This is what teen depression sounds like, looks like. See Charles’ other rap songs posted on this site here.

Just to Hurt 

by Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary, April 26, 1995-June 5, 2015

Back in another institution,
Guess I’m stupid, feeling useless even though my music tight as a noose is
Every day is a nuisance
Bored as fuck I want to do shit
Guess I didn’t learn my lesson.
Been in treatment most of my adolescence.*
Drug cravings, anxiety and depression
All because of my obsession
I know I’ll get by
But all rehab does is make me wanna get high
I bet God sits in the sky wishing I’d just die
They said I got amazing potential if I’d just try
Since I was 15 I’ve been fed lies
Said I’d be gone for 2 weeks I was gone for 3 years. What the hell why?**
This is my life, That was my time, I can never get it back
That wasn’t yours to take from me
But this is life and there ain’t no pot of gold after the rainbow
But there’s pain through
I promise you there’s pain yo

(chorus)

Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

They said it’s gonna get worse before it gets better
But all I see is hurt and its been getting worse forever
It always seems to rain the most when I’m promised perfect weather
And if you’re hurt too, then we can hurt together

I put these words together, pain stain in every letter
Cause me and Cal used to hangout, before he decided to hang down**,
Heroin took a home from me
He found a place in the ground
I scream for God to answer but he ain’t make a sound

My demons up against me and I’m facin’ them now
I wear the face of a clown
I feel so unloved, because of the monster that was created from drugs

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

I hope this last verse sticks in ya mind momma
I promise Imma fix it this time
I’m putting it behind cause I can’t forgive myself
And you can’t give me back time

My emotions drip through these lines
But even in darkness sunshine sometimes shines through the blinds
You were paying for hope and I was lookin’ for dope
Cause I just couldn’t cope
And I’m just so afraid that I’ll end up alone

I’ll always miss my own home
I always seem to fuck things up
I guess rock bottom wasn’t deep enough
Even breathing’s tough

It’s like I’m surrounded by walls with no escape at all
I’m over 6 feet tall, But I’ve never felt so small

(chorus)
Why we put on here on this earth just to hurt, just to hurt, just to hurt
So much pain in the universe

—————-

*Charles spent 10 weeks in a Wilderness program and 15 months in a therapeutic boarding school

**We sent Charles away to these programs to figure out what was the matter, local resources being very weak. We did it to save his life and to see if he could learn to manage his illness. Although diagnosed with depression, he never admitted it. Too much stigma. 

***Charles knew Cal Riley who hung himself 2 years before Charles did. This haunted Charles. They met in wilderness and became very close. Never in the history of that decades-old program in Clayton Georgia, did two kids from the same high school (Cosby High School) end up in the same wilderness group

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Forgiving myself

12 thoughts on “Why did he kill himself? Answering the why”

  1. Anne, I am always so deeply touched by your sharing, and by the words Charles wrote. He was a gifted writer for sure and clearly had an open heart for others like his mom.

    1. Anne,
      I understand. I had so many messages like these. I went long periods of time not answering at all. It’s an insanity that can not be understood unless you have been through it. Reading the text messages made me feel faint. I would get weak in the knees and could barely function. There is just no way of knowing how to respond. You were and are a good mom. I’m so sorry that your son didn’t make it out of this terrible disease alive. Forgiveness is so important! The pain isn’t discussed enough. Thank you for being so raw and transparent in your writing.

  2. Anne Moss, I am hurting for you. My nephew, who is somewhere on the streets right now, has lived a very difficult life. Having several diagnoses and on meds since he was young, he has been in and out of drug treatment programs, on several occasions he attempted to take his life by overdosing (maybe cries for help because he was never successful), and in and out of jail, even prison. I can relate to many of the lyrics in this rap by Charles. I am encouraged by your willingness to lay it all out there in an effort to help others in their struggles. May God bless you and keep you. <3

  3. Let the river of these Names take you…
    Let yourself float in the beauty of your own heart
    into the ocean of Love that fills all space,
    that ALWAYS is…
    that ONLY is.
    When we know ourselves to be That,
    then we can be This too.
    Then we can play,
    We are free and bound in the same breath,
    The breath of the One breathes in us…
    It’s OK to be messed up, to feel small and sad and hurt
    with no hope of ever seeing a good day.
    It’s OK to forget, to be forgotten,
    to be left behind,
    It’s OK to be betrayed, strung out on everything
    that everyone has ever done to us and we can’t ever forgive…
    Because
    The breath of the One breathes in us.
    Breathes us.
    Even when we don’t know..
    (Listen to this with your heart.) ♡

  4. My fiancé committed suicide 1 year and 9 days ago, he shared a similar story. I ask myself every single day.. why?.. he never left a note. He left us nothing. Something about suicide cuts deeper than anything imaginable.. and I don’t think the pain ever leaves even though I’ve been told it gets better.. I’m still waiting for that.. I knew your son, he was really talented.. he was deep, so was Walt. I think his thoughts ate him alive inside. Both of them. They shared a similar talent, they could rap better than anyone i knew but it stemmed out of this deep pain from inside themselves, this demon that wouldn’t rest.. I want you to know, he watches over me, my Walt, I know he does. It sounds crazy, but I don’t care anymore, your son is still with you. He keeps you safe too, he’s learning lessons on the other side while we learn our lessons here…. I’ve been slowly realizing that our realities are so different now. The lines of safety and security (two things I worry most about) begin to fade in the afterlife.. it’s different.. I know it’s frustrating having all these unanswered questions, trust me I do.. It’s hard to move forward (and then back again) It’s hard to not get hung up every day over them.. I do know one thing is for sure though.. Now they don’t battle demons anymore, they don’t lose sleep or have night terrors anymore, the fear is gone for them, they are safe. They don’t hurt in those ways anymore. That’s the beautiful part.

  5. Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your loss with all of us.
    My children loved your son.
    I loved him too.
    He shared some of his lovely poetry with us.
    He will live in our hearts forever.
    Continue the bravery.
    We support you.

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