I wanted someone to ask me. I wanted someone, anyone, to stop me.
You didn’t ask. Probably because you didn’t know to ask. I wanted you to come get me. Save me from myself.
I know I didn’t say it. I know you didn’t know where I was.
Why didn’t I ask you? Why didn’t I tell you?
I was alone for days. I hated how I was living.
I didn’t tell you any of that.
I didn’t want those feelings of suicide. I didn’t want to leave you and Dad. I loved my family. I loved my dog. I loved my friends. But I hurt so much. I felt like such a fuck up.
Those thoughts were so convincing. So relentless. The withdrawal from heroin, the breakup, sleep deprivation, loneliness, despair, the deep depression and most of all the rejection.
I felt so unloved from the monster created from drugs.
That last day we talked on the phone, I lied to you and told you it was not heroin. I screamed at you because I felt like nothing. I had nothing. I didn’t know what kind of help to ask for. I felt like you were tired of me.
I called you as a last hope. But you didn’t understand me. Two hours must have been too much. After that you didn’t pick up the phone again.
I wish I could have been saved. I regretted it the moment I did it. But it was too late.
I saw you and Dad wailing so loud when they told you. I saw your world fall apart. But by that time I couldn’t feel any more. I couldn’t hug you and tell you everything was going to be all right.
This is the kind of failure I can’t learn from. There’s no chance of that now.
Now there’s no hope I’ll find recovery.
I can’t come in your office to hang out to talk.
I can’t pursue my dreams.
I can’t finish my album.
I will never know what I could have been.
I can’t even say I love you.
I ended all that.
I think this may be the first time I’ve read this on your blog. It’s heartbreaking at minimum. The despair and confusion are palpable. That line used by Amy in her comment to you says it all ….. the choice …. It’s chilling, but sums it up.
I can understand why you may not have seen this one since I have 3,600 posts on this site. 🙂 Thank you Jayne.
This always makes me weep. If only our loved ones could see the ‘after’ and the despair they leave behind. Thank you for all you do, Anne Moss. Your strength while writing vignettes such as these is so humbling. Namaste.
Namaste my friend.
I’m having trouble writing this due to my tears. As I am reading it’s like I’m hearing my beloved Joel Fernandez. After 3 visits to the mental hospital he was released with a very high dosis of meds which in my opinion caused him to be more depressed. The Thursday,
he came to lay down beside me and told me “mom,
I don’t want to he on the meds” I told him that he should give it a try at least 3 months and then we’ll see. I got up and start my morning rushing. He would follow me every step and told me he wanted to ride with me to work and come back home by bus, as he has been doing for the last couple of month occasionally. I said NO with a bit of irritation and annoyingly since he kept spending his bus fare just for that reason (would mind to buy him the monthly pass if I knew better 😢)
He had such a sad look in his face after and he asked me “Mom, what would you do if I die?” 💔 his words cut through me like a knife and yet all I could say as I put on a serene face was “cry, cry till I die” but then made give me a hug and told him no to talk like that… I COULDN’T SEE HIS PAIN! called him after when I got to work but here was no answer… His word came to mt mind at noon and I felt a deep agony. In the evening he was no home and his girlfriend was upset cause he didn’t answer the door. 11pm he was still missing and Something whisper to my ears, look down from the balcony… and there I saw him. That view hunts me day and night. and the sound of my immediate NO! He didn’t wanted to die. he was hurting to much… yrs of depression and miss treated.
Oh Joanna. What a shock to have found him that way. Oh my gosh. It’s so hard to see these signs. It’s so hard to be on suicide watch 24/7. It’s so hard to fathom your child would actually kill themselves. It’s all outside our realm of thinking until after it happens. I so get it. I so understand this.
Tears… so sorry.
Anne Moss, I so hope those feeling that depth of despair will read this and maybe reconsider death by suicide. The burden of choosing life when death appears to be freedom is crushing. How I pray for them to find the strength to reach out, stay with us… ❤️
Very powerful Amy–“The burden of choosing life when death appears to be freedom is crushing”
Wow Anne… I remember the late afternoon of the night before he ‘did it’ me and lily were driving in the back way of neighborhood and saw Josh walking towards us with his backpack on. He usually had his backpack with him. I stopped ,happy to see him . I asked ‘Where are you going , need a ride?’. He was angry and agitated ( unlike him ) ‘No mom I’m just going to the cemetery to think. I’ll be home soon’. I had no idea he had taken a sheet from home that was in his backpack….. So I said ok to him and drove home. Interestingly though, I said to lily ‘i don’t think this is going to end good’. She asked ‘ do you think he is going to die’ , I said ‘ I think he might’ . Odd but then I said out loud ‘Im tired too’ to God , myself or Josh (all three?) I don’t know. Was I spiritually in agreement with him? I don’t know. He had hung himself in jail in 2011 but was found in time. Barely though. Told me he was going to I PRAYED and he was found (3 days in hospital) did he ask God to block my prayers? I never prayed for intervention. The only prayer that kept coming out of my mouth we as ‘meet him where he is’ over and over. For hours as he never came home . Prayed it overnight. A Mothers desperate prayer. I called him at 7 pm after our encounter around 5 last time we spoke. I said ‘when are you coming home?’ He answered ‘hour or too’. Sounded upbeat. I said ‘ will you wake me up when you get home?’ he said he would. I said ‘ you know I’m worried that you’ll either skip bond or end your life?’ he said ‘mom you don’t need to worry about that , I’m fine ‘ said our I love yous . Found out later after looking on his phone and the timeline that it was after that last phone call that he within minutes made the videos for me . Coroner estimated time of death 3-4 am… What went on in his head? Relief , anguish , guilt ,sorrow? I don’t know. He had googled methods of suicide on the Friday before , he died Wednesday early am. So it was thoroughly thought out. I don’t know. But what I do know is this – you were right Anne when you said our biggest fear is that our child will be forgotten…. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that Joshua Giannini is not forgotten and that his death will bring change to this society that is so blind and judgemental to drug abuse and suicide . Thank you for allowing me to share. Diane Fielder McCormick
Wow Diane. Thank you for that. It’s that irrational mind of a person experiencing suicidal thoughts. The addiction piece makes it so much more complicated