My alter ego talks me through my first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego:  It’s Mother’s Day today. Your first

Me: Now that’s a new definition of the first Mother’s Day

Alter Ego: It’s the first since his suicide

Me: I just want to die

Alter Ego: Really? 

Me: No, not really. I planned the birthday and death anniversary but there so many occasions. I just failed to plan for this one. 

Alter Ego: What would you have done? 

Me: Planned a surgery that lasted all day 

Alter Ego:  Well you don’t need surgery

Me: No. I just need the anesthesia

Alter Ego:  It’s just one day

Me: I know, I know. Read more...

Dear Heroin, I F-ing HATE you!

You are the sorriest, most vicious, demonic son of a bitch in the world.

You took over my child at his most vulnerable and you lured him into your lair of deceit. Then wrapped your evil talons around him, leaked into his brain and never let go until he was dead.

You told him that he was the greatest human being in the world–and then the most worthless. You ostracized him from his family and his friends and made him do things he would not ever have done without your influence.

You made him lie, cheat and steal for you. … Read more...

Redefining the meaning of ‘the first birthday’

This is not my son’s first birthday. It’s the first birthday since he died. He would have been 21.

Years ago, I dreamed we would be in a better place with Charles–with his depression and addiction. His sleep disorder, his anxiety, his ADHD. We worked so hard at it.

Instead we are grappling with his suicide. I still can’t believe it some days.

As I look back, I see things I didn’t see before.

I can’t even tell you how much I miss him. How much this hurts. I know you know that.

His birthday is my connection to him … Read more...

Can you make your suicide story positive?

And yes I get this question a lot. And no, I can’t. I won’t.

I won’t sugar coat my story. I won’t lie for the sake of saving you tears. I won’t avoid the subject of my son and his suicide.8615555b339ed34ce94880229f47873d

Most importantly, I won’t leave you without hope.

Many times when he struggled and we struggled, I felt my hope waver. We were desperately in debt and resources for help were slim. But I clung to hope with all my might–never letting that pilot light to go out.

While my son died by suicide, I still have hope. Hope … Read more...

Addiction: What is rock bottom?

Everyone tells you that tough love is the way to go with those with substance abuse disorder (aka addiction).  What no one tells you is when to help your addict.

Rock

No one defines “rock bottom” or when it might be time to actually help your addict.

Everyone’s bottom is different. But everyone concentrates so much on the boundaries, which you need to do, few consider when they might reach in and help their addict get into recovery.

What might that cry for help sound like?

What would make a cry for help different than the multiple calls you’ve gotten before? How do … Read more...

Family Matters – a rap by Charles Aubrey Rogers

(aka Reezin the Revolutionary)

Granbobby used to make my card disappear,
and pull a quarter out of my ear,
Momma how’d I end up here?
Life was so different,
I was so innocent,
Who knew I’d ever act like a criminal,
My love for you is far from minimal
Daddy was my hero,
He’s who I wanted to be like,
Taught me how to ride a bike,
Taught me how to live my life.
But you know me,
I never listen to advice.

I write this for family,
The ones I see on holidays annually,
I’m grateful for everything … Read more...

How did I end up in this f—ing club?

Sometimes I just can’t believe I’m the one that lost a child. That was something that happened to other people. Not me. And not only did my child die, he died by suicide.

I could argue that I know my purpose now
But this “purpose” has such a high price tag.charles-beach

Some days I feel like I am barely able to scrape myself together. I wake up and just can’t believe I am in this place. I have to endure it, shape it, live it. It’s so much work. There’s no magic pill, no “fixing” it. It just is.

This … Read more...

Grief, suicide, addiction, depression: Top 10 Posts

David Letterman did it, why can’t I?to 10 taboo posts
I was just curious regarding which posts were the most popular. So I thought I’d share the results. These were chosen by you guys, by the number of visitors to the page.

I am not surprised by what ranked #1.

1. Why did he kill himself? Answering the why

2. The long arm of the law reaches down Charles’ pants

3. Did Charles show warning signs for teen suicide?

4. What did Charles say prior to suicide to indicate his intentions?

5. Please do not avoid the subject of my son who died

Read more...

9 ways I am coping with the insurmountable grief of suicide loss

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I believe that by being open about suicide and sharing coping experiences and ideas, we can learn from each other.

The stigma has kept us clammed up for so long, it’s time we shared.

These work for me. Not to wipe away the pain. But to help me figure out how to live my life with this loss.

1. Writing

Writing hurts sometimes. Well, a lot of times. But there is a release of pain after I hit publish. I also feel free to do it now–to say what I want. No one is stopping me because I started my own … Read more...

What did Charles say prior to suicide to indicate his intentions?

I’m going to go through the process of what he said in various places to various people so you know what someone contemplating suicide might say.

This is a super hard post to write. Extremely, exceptionally, impossibly painful. I’d not do it if I didn’t think it would help others avoid standing in the shoes I am in now.

Honestly, really and truly. Do not ever think that it cannot happen to you.

Charles’ notebooks revealed a lot but we did not have access to those. His last phone call was cryptic and I was an emotional basket case during … Read more...