Charles Aubrey Rogers
I want to laugh
I’ve heard the news
(and I heard it was you)
So I’m waiting for the punchline
I’m stifling certain giggles until the curtain drops
and we take one last bow together;
Cracking on the lines we jumbled,
the cues we missed
(I’ve got a feeling there’s a big one I should have seen)
You are Charles
(I chew the name like bubblegum; sweet)
but life isn’t a stage, or even an act
You are no one’s son
no one’s brother
no one’s shadow
You are not adjectives, … Read more...
Adam Bloom, son of my oldest and best friend, put this together for Charles’ Memorial service in June of last year.
Thank you Adam for putting this together. I could have never managed to do it myself.
I love you and miss you, Charles. So much. Your mom is trying to find a life after your suicide.
It’s letters like these that make my life worth living since Charles’ suicide. Warning. It will make you cry. A good cry. It is so thoughtful and well written. If the author is out there, thank you. This truly defines my purpose. I have removed identifying information to protect the sender’s identity.
Mrs. Rogers,
I have tried writing to you many times, but have felt like it may be inappropriate for me to reach out to you because I had so little interaction with Charles, but I’ve been keeping up with your blog and after reading about how Charles was always willing … Read more...
This rap song, Silver Lining, is on Sound Cloud and posted below. I wrote out the words a while back so I’d have them. He recorded it with his friend Max Richards, a very talented musician who is doing the beats. He recorded it in 2014 while at Wasatch Academy in Utah on an instrument microphone.
By Charles Aubrey Rogers, Reezin the Revolutionary– 4/26/1995-6/5/2015
Woke up with not enough sleep
Got to breakfast, too late to eat
Still managed to get a stain on my favorite shirt
Every day’s stress, what’s next?
the news plays and reflects
the … Read more...
I went to the COBE event at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University and saw Dr. Kevin McCauley speak (the dude seriously needs a decent online bio).
For many years, Charles and I had a discussion about his “thrill seeking” which I never felt was quite the right phrase since he wasn’t skiing backwards down black diamond ski slopes.
At one point Charles and I had a discussion that perhaps his brain didn’t make endorphins and made too much adrenalin (since he suffered from anxiety).
When Dr. McCauley said “broken reward system” in his presentation, I thought I hit the lottery. That’s the … Read more...
This is not my son’s first birthday. It’s the first birthday since he died. He would have been 21.
Years ago, I dreamed we would be in a better place with Charles–with his depression and addiction. His sleep disorder, his anxiety, his ADHD. We worked so hard at it.
Instead we are grappling with his suicide. I still can’t believe it some days.
As I look back, I see things I didn’t see before.
I can’t even tell you how much I miss him. How much this hurts. I know you know that.
His birthday is my connection to him … Read more...
(aka Reezin the Revolutionary)
Granbobby used to make my card disappear,
and pull a quarter out of my ear,
Momma how’d I end up here?
Life was so different,
I was so innocent,
Who knew I’d ever act like a criminal,
My love for you is far from minimal
Daddy was my hero,
He’s who I wanted to be like,
Taught me how to ride a bike,
Taught me how to live my life.
But you know me,
I never listen to advice.
I write this for family,
The ones I see on holidays annually,
I’m grateful for everything … Read more...
“I found my place amongst these beats
And my passion with these stanzas.”
–Charles Aubrey Rogers, 1995-2015
This one is inspired by two songs I thought were lost forever. Charles loved his rap music. He was rarely spotted without those earphones around his neck or earbuds in his ears.
The iPod pictured is one we got for him in 8th grade. He loved it. It held tens of thousands of songs. These are what helped him cope and inspired his writing. You might think of rap music as “bad” but I think without it, Charles would have exited a long … Read more...
If there was one consistent theme about Charles, it was that he always reached out. He reached out to kids who were not always visible to others and to ones who were highly visible as well.
He put himself at risk socially doing this. But unlike other kids his age, he didn’t care.
He’d put himself on the line and stand up for other kids who had no friends at all or had tons of friends. Kids that felt isolated or depressed or were having a hard time with something in their lives. Kids that were unusual, unpopular, different. Kids … Read more...
So many times I would pass by Charles’ room and sometimes I would notice a smell. I would go in, try and identify it. Open the window to air it out.
No one else could smell it but I could. It was very different. Very distinct.
At first, I thought it might be drug related. But Charles didn’t smoke things in his room. And it was a smell that I remembered from before there were drugs involved. Only it got stronger as he became a teenager.
Not unpleasant just different and a little bit alarming for some reason. Hard to describe … Read more...
Charles loved sweets. Loved snacks. Loved little convenience stores. He would stand at that aisle and take forever to make a choice.
His earliest addiction was sugar. I can remember finding a bunch of packages of candy under his bed when he was around 8-10 years old and then sitting on the bed crying. I knew it had to be a precursor to addiction. Then I thought I could do something about it which I couldn’t.
Although he was the funniest human … Read more...
Document attachments are at the very bottom
Many of you are currently dealing with a child (however old) with an mental illness. It was difficult for some reason to get a diagnosis in writing.
Time and again someone would start to treat him without a true assessment. Wilderness, 2nd Nature in Clayton, Georgia gave us that.
During his stay there, we had weekly one hour meetings by phone with his counselor. We also received letters from Charles … Read more...
I feel like I’ve gotten weird and I know some of you might think that my experiences are desperation by a grieving mom. Maybe they are. But I don’t really know how to explain some of them especially this one.
So here goes.
I’m walking the dog on Wednesday around noon this week, and it’s like 80 degrees F and suddenly out of the blue I feel this very cold, concentrated breeze for lack of a better description. Probably more like a blast. And then it’s gone.
So I look around to see if I’m on a grate or near … Read more...
One of the incidents I have had a hard time with was one that happened in late February 2015 in Chesterfield County Virginia, just 4 months before Charles died by suicide.
Charles was driving home and was stopped by … Read more...
Strong emotional content and suicide method referenced. If you are in crisis, text “help” to 741-741 or call 988
I bet I am not the first mom to write their child in heaven. But this is my first letter to you since you died. I hope you get it because I am not sure how to have something sent to heaven.
It’s been about 8 months since you left us and I miss you. All the time. Every day. And I always will. There are days I wake … Read more...
