Category: #griefheart

These are the #griefheart pictures representing my grief journey

Love & Lace – #griefheart number 43

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Love & Lace

Today, two of my dearest friends, Paul and MaryJo Hughes, hosted their daughter’s wedding. I was so excited for them and for Brianna and Michael Palowitch. An absolutely stunning event. With each of these life events, there will be tears of sadness that Charles won’t have these moments. But tears of great joy as well.

Before I left for the wedding today, I set aside time to grieve the loss of those special moments and decided that I was going to enjoy the event without guilt.

I decided that instead of being sad because this is the first time I have been in that church … Read more...

Love of Games – #griefheart number 42

#griefheart
Love of Games

Charles loved games! Every single kind of game. Couldn’t ever get enough of them. When he was little and wanted to read, he loved the phonics game. He loved chess and played that with his Dad. He was in the chess club for a while and played at The Family School in upstate NY. He was pretty good.

It always amazed me that this kid with ADHD had the patience to play chess. But Charles loved strategy and for some reason he could concentrate on a game. Probably because it meant more to him than math homework … Read more...

Prickly Heart – #griefheart number 41

#griefheart
Prickly Heart

This is an original photo from a friend of mine. Obviously I don’t have desert as a yard.

But it does represent how my heart feels some days. Today especially. It just feels like a bunch sharp things are stuck in your heart. And it hurts. I have come to understand, however, that I can’t heal if I can’t feel. And that as long as I do hurt, healing is happening.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Why
… Read more...

Lyrical Heart -#griefheart number 40

Word heart
Lyrical heart

Charles had a way with words. From stories he wrote to songs he rapped, he was something else with a pen. This was his way of coping as it is mine.

He would take these magnet words and make the funniest sentences that only Charles could think of. He was master of funny. Such a creative genius.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...

Street Heart – #griefheart number 39

Street Heart
Street Heart

We went to the Westover Hills neighborhood picnic and I’m watching the kids play. I turn slightly to the left and there it was, staring me in the face in a big clearing calling my name.

I had been remembering how much Charles loved to play. Loved chalk, the bouncy thing, the balloons, the face painting. All of it. It’s way before he suffered from depression, felt suicidal, or succumbed to the lure of drug addiction. Back to a simpler time when a bad day was having your cake eaten by your dog. He refers to those days here in this song, Family Matters, … Read more...

Crying Heart – #griefheart number 38

#griefheart
Crying Heart

The shower is the best place to cry. The good news is that I don’t cry everyday in the shower like I once did.

Sometimes I just have nice memories in the shower. But when I really want to let loose, I do it here most of the time. It might hurt like crazy but I let it all hang out and it feels good to do so. I often feel better after. You moms who’ve lost a child know what I mean, don’t you? The car and the shower.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my … Read more...

Tangled heart – #griefheart number 37

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Grieving Beauty

“Weave the unveiling fabric of God’s word through your heart and mind. It will hold strong, even if the rest of life unravels.” –Gigi Graham Tchividjian

quote-left

When I lost my brother, Matt Geary, to suicide four years ago, it felt like life had unraveled.

The grief process is not linear but tangled and messy. It has been like a long string of anger, resentment, and hurt all jumbled up and knotted together. Hard to sort out like a ball of string.

But as years have passed, I have learned that you can knit something beautiful out of the passing … Read more...

Market Heart – #griefheart number 36

#griefheart
Market Heart

Charles would have loved our new neighborhood. Sadly, he died by suicide just 4 days after we sold the house. He did not even know where we were going to be living.

And the Farmer’s Market? He would have adored it. All that hustle and bustle. All the people and the buzz. Charles loved to be surrounded by people–the more the better. So when we went today, I thought about that, pictured him eating one of those giant home made donuts that most of the market regulars worship. As I was thinking about just that, this t-shirt met … Read more...

Personal Heart – #griefheart number 33

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Personal Heart

Your grief journey is as individual as you are which is why this one is made of fingerprints. There is no timeline and everyone hits different stages at their own pace. There is no rushing it. It has a mind of its own. You can do things to find peace and joy but for the most part, you are along for the ride.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.… Read more...

Fractured Heart – #griefheart number 32

#griefheart
Fractured Heart

This #griefheart is in honor of Stephen B Sandknop, March 25, 1983-October 28, 2013. He was in a relapse from methamphetamine addiction and was having psychotic episodes and died by suicide when he jumped off his own apartment building in Hollywood, CA during a phone conversation with his mother, Randy. She didn’t find out until the next morning what had happened to him.

Stephen was a singer/songwriter and three of his songs are in movies. Here’s his YouTube channel. So many artists suffer from addiction and mental illness. This picture is donated by the photographer, his mother, to … Read more...

Heart of Gold – #griefheart number 31

Heart of Gold
Heart of Gold

Charles had a heart of gold. Yes, he suffered from depression. Ultimately succumbed to an addiction to heroin and died by suicide.

But the person underneath the illness of addiction was a sweet, thoughtful person who cared about others. My sweetheart of a child was imperfect. He was stubborn. He was his own person. I do wish he was here with me. But I’ll have to carry him in my own heart instead.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart … Read more...

Flat Hearted – #griefheart number 30

flat and lifeless heart #griefheart
Flat Hearted

Some days my heart doesn’t feel sad or happy, it feels flat and lifeless. As if all the juice was sucked out of it like an orange.

It’s those days when I feel a bit dazed, confused, catatonic–like the walking dead. I know now that this doesn’t last forever. When I feel flat, it’s hard to jump start myself out of it and it’s best to just wait it out. It does pass. Episodes now are not as long as they once were.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far … Read more...

BFF Heart – #griefheart number 29

bff #griefheart #suicideawareness
BFF Griefheart

We got news of Charles’ death about 9pm at night. By the time we called Richard and our parents, it was pretty late. I knew Martha didn’t stay up late on Friday nights. She has a very physical job as a special Ed teacher with autistic kids. Many of these kids need a lot of help so I knew she wouldn’t be up.

So first thing when her feet hit the floor June 6, she thinks, “I need to call Anne Moss.” And she did very early which she never did since I am not a morning person. … Read more...

Deflated Heart – #griefheart number 28

Since this is my first Mother’s Day since my son Charles’ suicide, it’s not the best. It’s one day, right?

Thinking about all the women who are grieving the loss of a mom, a child, a grandmother, a sister, an infant or lost pregnancy. And the ones who are struggling to conceive and are not yet moms–but ache to be.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

Happy f–ing mother’s day
… Read more...

Love from Albuquerque – #griefheart number 27

#griefheart

Mariana Marko sent this to me from a trip in New Mexico. So sweet to get “This made me think of you” as it relates to this #griefheart project. There something very thoughtful and intimate about it.

I didn’t set out on this #griefheart project with a bunch of rules because I wanted it to take a life of its own somehow–to guide me kind of like the grief journey does. I am getting through this with the help and support of friends and family. And love these thoughtful “gifts” by message. Thank you Marianna.

By the way, it’s a … Read more...