Happy f–ing mother’s day

Fortunately, my “grief rash” (hives really) has cleared up thanks to Stephanie and her husband telling me what it was.

I got my mother’s day hives last week. With the help of Benadryl, it’s cleared up. Weird I get all these rashes during grieving season. And then they go away after the June fifth death anniversary. Poof! They vanish.

That first year, Mother’s Day hit me like a ton of bricks. That title expresses exactly how I felt. I felt bitter and resentment and I was pissed at the world. “Go on, go celebrate all your living children,” I wanted to scream.

I wanted to be mad at someone but there was no one to be angry with. I wanted to make a bonfire out of all the mother’s day cards for sale at every drug store. I wanted to go deflate all the mother’s day balloons. (I only did one and I bought it first.)

The facilitator of my grief group had told us to plan things on days that would be hard–birthday and death anniversary, for example. I totally forgot about  Mother’s Day.

I got caught off guard that first year.

The next year was no piece of cake either. I dreaded it. I couldn’t even manage a card in the mail to my own mom.

I think this year I might be OK

It’s my third since Charles’ suicide.

I have come to realize I am still a mother even if one of my children is missing. I’m not jumping for joy or anything, but maybe I’ve gotten to a place where I can tolerate it. Even if I did get the itchy, hot hives a few days ago.

So no offense with the title.

But just know there are a lot of people out there that feel that way today. It might be their first Mother’s Day since losing a child. It might be someone’s first Mother’s Day since losing their mom. And then still others who’ve struggled to conceive and that day is simply a glaring reminder they can’t produce what seems so natural and easy for others.

Cherish the memories you have. Maybe it’s just a holiday to remind us to do that.

 

My alter ego talks me through my first Mother’s Day

 

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

4 thoughts on “Happy f–ing mother’s day”

  1. You are so right—Mother’s Day is hard on so many people but especially those who have lost a child. Sending love…

  2. Back atcha A-M. The day absolutely, positively, without a doubt, 100%, sucks. For me it’s all about my mom (who also lost a child, but still has 2 children and 5 grandchildren). When she is gone, I might just refuse to acknowledge it.

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