Happy f–ing mother’s day

Fortunately, my “grief rash” (hives really) has cleared up thanks to Stephanie and her husband telling me what it was.

I got my mother’s day hives last week. With the help of Benadryl, it’s cleared up. Weird I get all these rashes during grieving season. And then they go away after the June fifth death anniversary. Poof! They vanish.

That first year, Mother’s Day hit me like a ton of bricks. That title expresses exactly how I felt. I felt bitter and resentment and I was pissed at the world. “Go on, go celebrate all your living children,” I wanted to scream.

I wanted to be mad at someone but there was no one to be angry with. I wanted to make a bonfire out of all the mother’s day cards for sale at every drug store. I wanted to go deflate all the mother’s day balloons. (I only did one and I bought it first.)

The facilitator of my grief group had told us to plan things on days that would be hard–birthday and death anniversary, for example. I totally forgot about  Mother’s Day.

I got caught off guard that first year.

The next year was no piece of cake either. I dreaded it. I couldn’t even manage a card in the mail to my own mom.

I think this year I might be OK

It’s my third since Charles’ suicide.

I have come to realize I am still a mother even if one of my children is missing. I’m not jumping for joy or anything, but maybe I’ve gotten to a place where I can tolerate it. Even if I did get the itchy, hot hives a few days ago.

So no offense with the title.

But just know there are a lot of people out there that feel that way today. It might be their first Mother’s Day since losing a child. It might be someone’s first Mother’s Day since losing their mom. And then still others who’ve struggled to conceive and that day is simply a glaring reminder they can’t produce what seems so natural and easy for others.

Cherish the memories you have. Maybe it’s just a holiday to remind us to do that.

 

My alter ego talks me through my first Mother’s Day

 

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

4 thoughts on “Happy f–ing mother’s day”

  1. You are so right—Mother’s Day is hard on so many people but especially those who have lost a child. Sending love…

  2. Back atcha A-M. The day absolutely, positively, without a doubt, 100%, sucks. For me it’s all about my mom (who also lost a child, but still has 2 children and 5 grandchildren). When she is gone, I might just refuse to acknowledge it.

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