Category: Grief

Day #2 of the 12 Days of Coping with Christmas

The second coping strategy is “Write”

After Charles died, others didn’t seem to want to talk about him. Or let me talk about him. I kept wondering, “Why can’t I talk about my son?”

So two  months after he died, I started writing an article for the newspaper about his death. We had just moved out of the house where he had grown up because it had sold four days before he stunned us by killing himself.

He died June 2015. I started writing August 2015. The first version was sloppy and pointless but I kept writing it, revising it, … Read more...

Jesus can’t fix this

This will offend some people, but I have come to hate the phrase, “My prayers were answered.”

When my son’s drug abuse turned to addiction and he died by suicide, my prayers were not answered.  Does that mean my prayers were not good enough? Was I not worthy? Did I not go to church enough to be on the prayer radar?

It’s not any of that.  It’s simply that Jesus, Buddha, God, Goddesses, saints, sons of God, or any deity can’t fix my tragedy. And what happened was not the result of a life poorly lead or my failure in parenting … Read more...

Coming soon. Twelve days of Christmas

I’m going to have twelve days of Christmas in December. Instead of golden rings, calling birds, and turtle doves, I will highlight a coping strategy each day.

This time of year is difficult so I’m trying something different to jump start my own motivation while also inspiring yours. If any of you want to share a coping strategy that has worked for you to help me out with this exercise, make a comment below.

Let’s make this a group effort.

Dear holidays, I hate you
… Read more...

Dear Mike, I know you’ve joined Charles

Michael Alexander Berges Stewart
 Michael Alexander Berges Stewart

When I saw 12:48am on my phone with your mom’s name on it, I knew there had been a tragedy.  She was one of the first people to call me after Charles’ suicide three years ago and I never wanted her to be in this club, too.

Mike, I would have thought when you wore “Charles socks” or one of his shirts I shipped to you after his death, those things would have protected you from this ending. But that’s not how it works, is it?

You meant so much to my boy and even … Read more...

Are you ready to be emotionally naked in public?

People search in google when they want information. Sometimes they type in, “my son died from overdose,” or “kill myself after my daughter’s suicide,” “my girlfriend killed herself,” “I relapsed and no one loves me,” “bipolar suicide attempt,” “my father killed himself,” “2 years clean” and so on.

Every day this happens. They search on Google, Facebook, Linkedin, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, Yahoo, Bing, and even smaller search engines. All are in search of connection that you provide with your emotionally naked stories and wisdom.

People will sometimes search by your child’s name if they know that child has died. And … Read more...

Setting expectations for the holidays after the death of a child

The first Christmas after Charles died by suicide, I expected it to be hard. All those firsts are hard–first birthday, mother’s day, father’s day etc. Hell, Arbor Day was hard.

For the second Christmas after Charles’ suicide, I was sure the holidays would be better. After all, the first one happened and I survived. How bad could this second one be?

December 1, 2017, two and a half years after my son’s suicide, slapped me hard and shut me down. My head was a mixing bowl with too many ingredients and it was hard to complete anything with more than … Read more...

Don’t suffer on an island

As I suffered through the mental illness and addiction of my child, I curled up in a ball and folded up inside myself.  Back then there was little support even when I reached out for it and wanted to talk.

But things changed.

I found a support group who was willing to be there for me but when things really got bad, I pulled inside myself again instead of relying on the network of love available to me.

When my son relapsed, so did I.

I don’t want to make that mistake again. Because I won’t get a badge of … Read more...

Over a year after my son’s suicide, I no longer hate being alive

by Christine Dudek

There’s something about the light piercing through the clouds at 30,000 feet when I’m lucky enough to get a window seat. It looks like every picture of heaven I’ve ever imagined since I was a little kid and so it makes me feel closer to Tyler.

Flying has gone from the most excruciating stillness to a peaceful experience. It doesn’t matter that it’s all in my head. The illusion or delusion that I’m closer to my boy makes me feel better.

There’s something about a pinstriped uniform with those two interlocking letters (NY) that makes me happy … Read more...

Asking a favor

I’m working on getting an agent which is the first step to getting my book published. It would help if I have more subscribers because they will want to know if I have a following.

Bigger numbers equal more interest from both agents and publishers.

It might be you have this site bookmarked and you don’t subscribe. I would appreciate it if you did. There is a weekly option and a daily one and I can add bi-monthly if there is demand. Just let me know in the comments.

What’s more, the shares by you guys have reached others … Read more...

My boyfriend died from a drug overdose

by Victoria Kiarsis

Billy Derr and Victoria Kiarsis

I met Billy Derr at a 12-step meeting in Boston in the fall of 2014.

Although I didn’t think much about him at the time and was even dating someone else, Billy had different ideas. He told me later that when he saw me for the first time, in my burgundy pants, tan booties, and leather jacket, he knew he’d make me his girlfriend one day. And that he did.

In May 2015, when I was single again, we went to a concert together with friends. He wooed me with his dance … Read more...

Melancholy Moments

A song, or a familiar visual triggers a memory of Charles. Right then, there is a place in my mind I go to sink into it all by myself. No sounds or other thoughts penetrate. And I don’t want interruptions or company because this is my time with my child that is no longer here on earth.

Sometimes there is only a partial memory. The rest of it stays stubbornly masked, just out of reach. That’s when I leave a message for my brain to retrieve it. That one must have been filed away in the stacks.

Why do … Read more...

Have you lost someone to suicide in the last five months?

by Noam Schneck, PhD
Assistant Professor, New York State Psychiatric Institute/Columbia University

We hope that you will be able to join our mission of helping people grieving suicide.

The Survive Together Research Study at New York State Psychiatric Institute/Columbia University Department of Psychiatry is looking for people who are grieving a loss by suicide in the past 5 months. By joining our study you will help us learn how to help others who have lost a loved one to suicide.

You can participate even if you do not live near NYC. If interested, please contact schneck@nyspi.columbia.edu for further details. You … Read more...

Triggers

Triggers are sights, sounds, actions, people, situations, and songs that trigger an emotional response. They may produce uncomfortable emotional or psychiatric symptoms, such as anxiety, panic, discouragement, despair, or negative self-talk.

Fireworks can trigger PTSD. A lighter can trigger a lapse into self-harm. Chronic illness can trigger anxiety and so on.

Grief triggers are reminders of the one I lost. In my case, that’s a tow-headed, white-blonde three-year-old boy at the beach or a curly-headed, tall skinny teenager playing lousy basketball. I see it and I stop, stare, and watch the movie in my head.

Some songs trigger my tears … Read more...

All this noise

Me: Some days I think, “How will I ever get through to people?” No one can hear me. I just feel drowned out.

Alter Ego: Everyone feels that way.  

Me: I know that. But I feel that way today, damn it. 

Alter Ego: So what do you want a pity party? 

Me: No. I just want to be heard. I keep pushing and pushing and pushing. I feel like I’m yelling but the crowd around me drowns me out and it makes me feel like my message is just not important. 

Alter Ego: You know there is so much noise … Read more...

I’m not doing enough

Sometimes when I meet other moms or dads who’ve lost a child to suicide or drug-related death, they feel as if they are not doing enough for the cause.

Compared to me usually.

So there are some things I want to point out.

For one thing, we have enough to beat ourselves up about with a child’s death, I don’t think that you need to add ‘giving yourself a hard time that you are not doing enough’ to that mix. But in case you still feel that way, like somehow you don’t measure up to Jane Doe or John Doe, … Read more...