The first Christmas after Charles died by suicide, I expected it to be hard. All those firsts are hard–first birthday, mother’s day, father’s day etc. Hell, Arbor Day was hard.
For the second Christmas after Charles’ suicide, I was sure the holidays would be better. After all, the first one happened and I survived. How bad could this second one be?
December 1, 2017, two and a half years after my son’s suicide, slapped me hard and shut me down. My head was a mixing bowl with too many ingredients and it was hard to complete anything with more than two steps. It was unexpected and I was unprepared so for it. I know how to try to do things ahead of time, have few expectations, and ask my friends for help when needed.
For those of you who have other children and you feel you have to bring the holiday celebration home despite your grief, please do ask for help. Don’t do this alone. That’s what your friends and family are for.