Peter Pan Heart – #griefheart number 102

 

In Charles’ obituary, I referenced the fact that he was Peter Pan hence the inspiration behind this #griefheart.

“…A deep, soulful, passionate and sensitive young man, Charles loved and treasured family. He was a true artist, an off-the-cuff comedian who loved to rap, entertain and act. He loved dogs, funky socks, drama, writing and making people laugh. But most of all, he loved people.

As many artists do, Charles lived life on his own terms and ultimately chose how he wanted to end it. He lit up every room he ever walked into. But he also struggled and is … Read more...

Art heart – #griefheart number 101

3-d-heart
I commissioned this artwork in a shadowbox to feature Charles’ words.

From the artist, Summer DeCoste: This has various labors of thought. The brokenness, yet the thoughtful love he had. The straight pins…the pain in his addiction.

The love in his heart for his family and the spaces in between that mentally he could not piece together. But in all of this he loved you and I hope you realize that you could not fix those pieces. You did the best you could as a loving parent.

It doesn’t mean he was bad or that he wanted to hurt himself … Read more...

Angel heart – #griefheart number 100

Charles wrote a song called ‘My Angel’. I will publish it here this fall. But for now, my favorite line in the song.

“She’s my angel, so its only appropriate that she stay on my mind like a halo.” 

And this from his song, “Run Free.” This part makes me think of him as an angel.

I am sick of all the hurt and the burn
Ima runaway runaway and never return.
Never COMIN’ back
Leanin’ on clouds up in heaven with my rap feelin’ free at last
Floatin’ through the present
I ain’t focused on the past…… Read more...

Love you oodles, piles and truckloads – #griefheart number 99

Love you oodles, piles and truckloads
Love you oodles, piles and truckloads

I used to say this to Charles all the time. He just loved it. And when he’d get upset at a young age, he’d pat me on the back and I’d tell him, “I love you oodles, piles and truckloads.”

Even at an early age, Charles just felt deeper than others. He was a dreamer and nothing is more important to a dreamer than their relationships. I think when he killed himself, he just couldn’t stand the thought that he had “let everyone down.”

The depression and anxiety were bad  but the heroin absolutely … Read more...

Bottomless heart – #griefheart number 98

Bottomless love
Bottomless love

Dear Charles,

My love for you is bottomless–forever and ever. Thank you for loving your friends, watching over them, coming to them in their dreams and giving them hope and inspiration. Thank you for continuing to inspire me even though you are only with us in spirit.

Love you from the bottom of my heart,

Mom

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.… Read more...

Sweet heart – #griefheart number 97

Every one that knew Charles knew about his love of sugar. In all honesty, I believe it was his first addiction. He loved candy, sweet, over-processed cereals and sugary coffee drinks, donuts and sports drinks. He even went trick or treating at the age of 19.

Charles was also a very sweet person. A dreamer at heart, he cared deeply about all of his friends and family. Nothing was more important than his relationships. This is to my youngest child who died by suicide before I got enough of his sweetness.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart … Read more...

Heart mussel – #griefheart number 96

Mussel heart
Mussel heart

Charles loved mussels. Remembering how much he loved them, I ordered them for the first time about 9 months ago. And then I ordered them again and again and found that I liked them, too.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...

So much grief – #griefheart number 95

From the Orlando night club shooting to the siege and beheadings of foreigners in Bangladesh to sniper shootings in Dallas and the terror attack in France, we have seen many brutal and shocking tragedies in the last 33 days. So much senseless loss. And for what?

While we don’t know how to fight this new war, its angry unseen enemies with no rules or regard for human life, we can support families around the world who are grieving the loss of loved ones.

I hate that my project is so relevant to what’s happening in the world right now. My … Read more...

Frozen heart – #griefheart number 94

Today was one of those days where my heart just felt frozen in place–sort of like I was just existing, treading water, going nowhere. It’s one of those days where I question everything I’m doing and just wonder if any of what I want to happen will come to be. I just felt stuck.

It’s that draggy grief feeling that I have come to recognize as disbelief that I am without the son I thought would be here till I die. It’s another face of grief. Tomorrow is another day.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project… Read more...

Charming hearts – #griefheart number 93

many-hearts
Charming hearts

These little heart charms from my friend Carole in Fayetteville. They are so cute–all unique and different. Part of Charles’ charm was his eccentricity, his love of people, family and friends. Then there was his sense of humor, his amazing timing, his writing and undeniable creativity and talent.

People were always drawn in by Charles from the time he was a baby. He was charming by accident. I think he didn’t want to let people down by letting them know he suffered from depression.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest … Read more...

Piece of my heart – #griefheart number 92

piece-of-my-heart-missing

I will heal and I will move forward but a piece of my heart will always be missing.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...

Thinking of you heart – #griefheart number 91

Thinking of you heart
Thinking of you heart

Just because the hearts I get are not always in the horizontal format, I wanted to acknowledge the thoughtfulness.

So I combined them so they fit. Lovely that I have all of you seeing hearts everywhere you turn. Like me.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.… Read more...

Door to my heart – #griefheart number 90

door-to-my=heart
Door to my heart

When I started this project, I let everyone in the door of my heart. Losing a child by suicide is a tough journey and not one I thought many would tune in for.

I am so grateful for all the love and support, the shares and the gift of your hearts.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by the #griefheart category.… Read more...

Strong heart – #griefheart number 89

Strong heart
Strong heart

This heart is made of iron, sent from my high school friend, Kelly’s camera. Some days you do feel strong. You feel as if you are managing well and have things under control.

Those are the days that give you hope and allow you to feel you are going to survive all this grief and learn to move forward.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by#griefheart category.

… Read more...

Bubble wrapped heart – #griefheart number 88

When your first child is born, you realize all of a sudden how vulnerable you are. This new little being has your heart at hello and your instincts to protect kick right in. Sometimes they are so strong you want to wrap your children up put them in a protective bubble so they don’t get hurt. When they suffer, you suffer, too.

But hurt is part of life. And for some kids, life is too harsh and they decide to take a early exit also known as suicide. When they die, a part of our heart dies with them. The … Read more...