It can take you to your knees. It can surround you and make you feel trapped. It feels like it will consume you.
But here’s what I want you to know.
Feelings are temporary. Whether it’s joy or agony, that feeling has an end and it will lift. If you numb it or push it away, it will come back twofold. And while you can’t make it go away, you can learn to manage it.
Often what we do to ourselves to avoid it causes years or even a lifetime of more pain.
The secret is to allow it in … Read more...
by Joanna Frank
Note from Anne Moss: I met Joanna in my suicide loss support group. Her husband had taken his life immediately after he missed the signal that their son’s respirator had stalled and died as a result. She lost both sons to health issues and her husband to suicide.
We are all really the same
We all stand in a line
Waiting for that unknown moment.
We may think our lives are unique but our deaths are already designed.
We will all breathe our last breath one day…
We will all be in line
To be call home… Read more...
When we first sent my youngest son, Charles, away to wilderness and then therapeutic boarding school, the grief from having lost what I considered a normal high school experience left me feeling cheated. No home-town plays with Charles in them, no chaperoning the homecoming dances that he’d attend with a date.
We sent him away to save his life. And it was a last resort.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also find relief after he left.
I wrestled with the agony of sending him away against his will while also welcoming the warm blanket of … Read more...
I didn’t talk about death a whole lot before Charles died. He did, though. And I wish I had asked why since obsession on the subject is an indication that someone struggles with thoughts of suicide.
We live in a death-averse, death-phobic culture. We can’t even say the word death, substituting instead, phrases like “passed away” or “kick the bucket” to sugarcoat life’s ending.
So how do you want your end celebrated? Where do you want to be buried? How will it be paid for? Do you want your organs donated (the closest thing we … Read more...
After I lost Charles to suicide, someone I knew called a few months later and shared the sad news she’d just lost her Dad. He had died at 94. Later when I met with her, she told me she hurt just as much as I did and that our situations were exactly the same. I said nothing. I knew she was close to her dad and was really hurting.
I cannot say and never will say that I hurt more than her. There’s no way to compare grief or pain. I just wish she had known that.
Sometimes we want … Read more...
“At least she isn’t suffering.”
“At least you have other children.”
“At least you will no longer worry.”
“At least he is in heaven now.”
If you are thinking of starting any sentence with “at least” to a friend who has suffered a loss, you are essentially trying to polish grief with a coat of positive. In other words, you are invalidating someone’s feelings.
When I suffered a loss, I didn’t want anyone pointing out the good part of losing a child. There was nothing positive about Charles’ suicide. I was at the lowest point of my life, deep in … Read more...
It ended so fast. Yet it took so long to raise him. In one swift kick, my son ceased to exist on earth and my purpose as a parent was yanked from under my feet.
I couldn’t help but reflect on all those nights we stayed up with Charles when he couldn’t sleep, the plays I went to, the costumes I sewed, the carpools full of boys I toted to baseball practice, the noses I wiped, the fevers I treated.
I endured fart jokes, loud gaming sleepovers, and copious amounts of Axe body spray in middle school.
I invested everything … Read more...
This year we left the country the day after Christmas and took the fam on a river cruise; my mother, Richard (my son), Randy and myself. And these are some of the people we met and had fun with on our adventure. This one in Vienna.
It is the people and experiences that make my vacation. It’s not stuff. It’s not hotel rooms. And that’s what we got. Many on this cruise had lost someone and wanted to be with others over the holidays. I met women who had … Read more...
Every year since Charles died, I feel guilty for celebrating a new year and ache that I’m leaving my child behind. As the fireworks explode I have my foot on an imaginary brake pedal as if I could stop the new year from happening.
I have always loved change and moving forward but am ambivalent about that now.
Will the memories I have be forgotten? Will he be forgotten? Will his picture look dated? Will I remember his scent? Will the feel of his hugs fade? Would he resent that I was leaving him stuck in 2015?
Happy New Year … Read more...
Richard made the ornament on the left. Charles the one on the right.
Those macaroni trees and homemade wreaths, glitter reindeer that have long lost their sparkle, styrofoam snowmen held together by toothpicks are all my favorite ornaments now. The ones with Charles’ picture make me smile and ache at the same time. We had no idea back then what was to come. Life was so normal.
Spending the day with my family and extended family on Christmas. And I’m fortunate to have that. But I’ll always mourn the one who isn’t here. I’m sure those of you who’ve lost … Read more...
Look what the plane brought from Los Angeles to Richmond. This is my oldest son, Richard. You are free to say how handsome he is. So this momma is happy. We might see some of him. He’ll want to see all his friends but on Christmas, we’ll hold him hostage.
He’s our only child now. And I know there are some of you here who’ve lost your only child or even both. I’m thinking of you and holding space in my heart for you.
This is a mushy time of year.
For those of us who’ve lost someone before their time–a sibling, child, parent, spouse–tears hover closer to the surface. So we give back more to balance the pain and ease that persistent ache. It’s how many of us manage the pain of that loss that is sharper during the holidays.
We are less likely to get caught up in shopping frenzies or black Fridays, focusing more on our loved ones, friends and neighbors. Life is not about stuff but more about connecting, remembering, finding hope and joy, grieving and managing hurt so it … Read more...
58 minutes
Posted on SoundCloud (Charles’ account, actually). I suppose I should get my own account.
On a segment of WRIR Zero Hour, three parents who’ve lost a child to suicide talk about their grief after that event, what they want all of you to know, and how they’ve managed to move forward and process this loss years after the fact. The segment is about an hour. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-34-year-olds in the United States.
Dave Matthews and … Read more...
by Jenny Derr
This will be our third Christmas without Billy. Sadly, I know too many people who are in the same boat, or are about to go through their first season without a loved one.
It has made me reflect back on how we got through, how we coped and came back up for air on the other side. I thought maybe some of the things I did (and still do) to get through might help someone else.
We lost Billy in April of 2016 at age 24. Billy loved Christmas, our whole family does! I used to … Read more...
It’s the holidays and I had fun. I had no expectation that it would be.
After Charles’ suicide, I focused more on friends and family and less on stuff and decorations. It’s the connections that I need. Not more stuff. In fact, I can’t help but look around and want to purge some stuff .
It’s nice to be invited to things again. Our social life had dwindled when Charles struggled with drugs and alcohol and then it died when he did. Of course, it did. I didn’t want to spend quite that much time with myself, though. … Read more...
