New Years makes me feel like I am leaving him behind

Every year since Charles died, I feel guilty for celebrating a new year and ache that I’m leaving my child behind. As the fireworks explode I have my foot on an imaginary brake pedal as if I could stop the new year from happening.

I have always loved change and moving forward but am ambivalent about that now.

Will the memories I have be forgotten? Will he be forgotten? Will his picture look dated? Will I remember his scent? Will the feel of his hugs fade? Would he resent that I was leaving him stuck in 2015?

Happy New Year …