It ended so fast. Yet it took so long to raise him. In one swift kick, my son ceased to exist on earth and my purpose as a parent was yanked from under my feet.
I couldn’t help but reflect on all those nights we stayed up with Charles when he couldn’t sleep, the plays I went to, the costumes I sewed, the carpools full of boys I toted to baseball practice, the noses I wiped, the fevers I treated.
I endured fart jokes, loud gaming sleepovers, and copious amounts of Axe body spray in middle school.
I invested everything in my children’s lives. Time, love, money, worry, heartache and joy.
Raising a child takes work. Raising Charles took more work than the average kid. I thought there would be a reward. For me, that meant seeing him thrive, maybe get married or have a family of his own.
That question, “What will he be when he grows up?” played in my head so many times over the years. I was so curious because he was so fascinating and frustrating at the same time. He was unusual, creative, funny, and enormously popular. I was proud of his creative genius and I was sure he’d be famous one day. He was sure he’d be famous one day.
But the premonitions of his future were always fuzzy and milky and I struggled to see him as an adult.
When that phrase “Your son Charles has been found…” replays in my head, I can’t help but think about all the love and hard work that went into raising him. And I feel selfish for even thinking that way but I can’t help but dig into that life and reflect.
I’ve been thinking about this phrase today because two moms I know just got the news I got on June 5, 2015. And I ache for them.
Diary of a Broken Mind: A mother’s story, a son’s suicide and the haunting lyrics he left behind
I am so sorry about new members to the tribe. I am so sorry someone you know is going through this right this minute.
I remember that phone call so well. “He’s gone.”
Those messages resonate in our heads. We never forget that moment although it’s not as sharp as it once was.
So sorry to hear other mothers are facing that devastating pain. I didn’t think I could survive….. day by day—never the same — but here. My heart goes out to all who live this nightmare.
It’s amazing we did survive. And how one line triggers certain memories at one point in that journey and still others later on.