Every year since Charles died, I feel guilty for celebrating a new year and ache that I’m leaving my child behind. As the fireworks explode I have my foot on an imaginary brake pedal as if I could stop the new year from happening.
I have always loved change and moving forward but am ambivalent about that now.
Will the memories I have be forgotten? Will he be forgotten? Will his picture look dated? Will I remember his scent? Will the feel of his hugs fade? Would he resent that I was leaving him stuck in 2015?
Happy New Year is not quite the right thing to say here to sign off. So instead I hope you find contentment.
Your comments struck my heart. I thought I couldn’t wait for 2019 to end after losing my son to suicide on April 8th. Instead I found myself feeling exactly what you wrote. This journey is a difficult one to be on. Prayers for all who must make it.
This journey has always been so different than my expectations. Including New Years. I expect it now but even that changes from year to year. Thank you for letting me know this was a feeling shred by you. It helps to know that.
Oh my Dear Anne. Charles will never be forgotten. His memory will never fade. He lives forever in your heart and others feel Charles in your book🙏You spread your words to so many, you are kind and genuine and caring just as your Charles is watching over you from Heaven🌈✨
Thank you, Anne Moss. You are an important part of my survival team since losing my son, Ray, to his long-fought battle with depression and anxiety 4 1/2 years ago.
Becky I lost Charles about 4.5 years ago. June 5. When did Ray die? And thank you because you are part of my healing journey.
Ray died July 28, 2015 at the age of 39. My only child, my everything. He valiantly battled because he didn’t want to break my heart (he told me that himself). His pain at the end must have been horrific… Ray Carey- forever in my heart.
I had to have been intolerable for him. So you and I are about the same time. Thank you for answering. Gray Maher who wrote a guest post lost her only son too. https://annemoss.com/2019/03/23/surviving-my-sons-suicide-with-depression/