Every year since Charles died, I feel guilty for celebrating a new year and ache that I’m leaving my child behind. As the fireworks explode I have my foot on an imaginary brake pedal as if I could stop the new year from happening.
I have always loved change and moving forward but am ambivalent about that now.
Will the memories I have be forgotten? Will he be forgotten? Will his picture look dated? Will I remember his scent? Will the feel of his hugs fade? Would he resent that I was leaving him stuck in 2015?
Happy New Year is not quite the right thing to say here to sign off. So instead I hope you find contentment.
I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief.
As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.
Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.
View all posts by Anne Moss Rogers
7 thoughts on “New Years makes me feel like I am leaving him behind”
Your comments struck my heart. I thought I couldn’t wait for 2019 to end after losing my son to suicide on April 8th. Instead I found myself feeling exactly what you wrote. This journey is a difficult one to be on. Prayers for all who must make it.
This journey has always been so different than my expectations. Including New Years. I expect it now but even that changes from year to year. Thank you for letting me know this was a feeling shred by you. It helps to know that.
Oh my Dear Anne. Charles will never be forgotten. His memory will never fade. He lives forever in your heart and others feel Charles in your book🙏You spread your words to so many, you are kind and genuine and caring just as your Charles is watching over you from Heaven🌈✨
Thank you, Anne Moss. You are an important part of my survival team since losing my son, Ray, to his long-fought battle with depression and anxiety 4 1/2 years ago.
Ray died July 28, 2015 at the age of 39. My only child, my everything. He valiantly battled because he didn’t want to break my heart (he told me that himself). His pain at the end must have been horrific… Ray Carey- forever in my heart.
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
Cookie
Duration
Description
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional
11 months
The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy
11 months
The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Your comments struck my heart. I thought I couldn’t wait for 2019 to end after losing my son to suicide on April 8th. Instead I found myself feeling exactly what you wrote. This journey is a difficult one to be on. Prayers for all who must make it.
This journey has always been so different than my expectations. Including New Years. I expect it now but even that changes from year to year. Thank you for letting me know this was a feeling shred by you. It helps to know that.
Oh my Dear Anne. Charles will never be forgotten. His memory will never fade. He lives forever in your heart and others feel Charles in your book🙏You spread your words to so many, you are kind and genuine and caring just as your Charles is watching over you from Heaven🌈✨
Thank you, Anne Moss. You are an important part of my survival team since losing my son, Ray, to his long-fought battle with depression and anxiety 4 1/2 years ago.
Becky I lost Charles about 4.5 years ago. June 5. When did Ray die? And thank you because you are part of my healing journey.
Ray died July 28, 2015 at the age of 39. My only child, my everything. He valiantly battled because he didn’t want to break my heart (he told me that himself). His pain at the end must have been horrific… Ray Carey- forever in my heart.
I had to have been intolerable for him. So you and I are about the same time. Thank you for answering. Gray Maher who wrote a guest post lost her only son too. https://annemoss.com/2019/03/23/surviving-my-sons-suicide-with-depression/